Round 13 Goes to....

Warrior!

As I write this, I can't even believe I said Round 13!

Take one down, pass it around, 3 more rounds of chemo on the wall.

I was thinking earlier today how far (mentally) I have come (toot toot) and that which won't kill you will only make you stronger. Seriously, there were many times, many days before we knew we were going to have to "do" treatment, where I would throw up at the pure thought, much less the image of me in a chemo chair doing treatment. I was so scared. It doesn't scare me as much, because I refuse to let it. Not that it has become old hat, or that "practice makes perfect".

Not that anyone wants to be a professional chemo champion, or hold the Gold Medal in the IV PORT Olympics...nobody wants to be there, and nobody certainly wants to be "good" at it.

My message to anyone out there getting ready to go through a tough phase, whether it's treatment or something totally different-YOU can do it. If I can do this, you can take on any challenge or battle any demon you are facing. By the grace of God, my amazing support system, and countless prayers...I can now see a little bit of the light at the end of the tunnel.

I still have a ways to go, but I can at least see it (light) and begin to see my life taking a turn for the better. It's tiny, but praise God what little light I see is at least bright. I am starting to at least write down the things I want to get done in my life time, set new goals, realize and affirm new dreams. I am making plans. Right now I am too tired to act on most of them, but the main thing is...I HAVE them stored up in this noggin (and that's half the battle).

The reality is that no matter what, you will have good days and then better days. I am trying to be better about what I allow in my head, and what I let get to me. I find for me to get right with myself- I need a quiet, still place.Far far away from the chaos.

So physically,I have felt pretty good- up until this afternoon...I hit a wall. It's always that darn 3rd and 4th day. I start feeling not so hot, then the exhaustion kicks in. For now, I am just trying to bend with the curve and go with it. It's weird how some days I will have energy and some days I can't seem to make it up and down the stairs.

I am still looking at mounds of gifts to put away before we can even start putting away the actual Christmas decorations....you know what though? They will be there tomorrow and maybe even the next day. Those darn elves need to be as good at putting things away as they were at getting them here!

I posted a few pics of my brother Ryan's Graduation- I was so blessed to be able to attend. This was a huge deal for me to be able to go....I was and am so proud of him. There is one great picture of my 3 crazy siblings (I must have already bolted to get out of the crowd aka "germ" zone).

Anyway, I have the best brothers and sister in the world...our family ROCKS and I'm glad to be along for the ride!

Until our next blog date...xo

Santa vs. Warrior

I hate to say, but as sweet as he is...I beat out the ole' fat guy in the red suit!

Red is definitely more his color, for it will always remind me of adriamycin- aka...red dragon or devil:s blood.One of chemos most powerful cocktails.

Round 12 went to Warrior and I am already suited up with gloves on ready for tomorrow's...Round 13! Yep, you read correctly...4 more rounds to go!

Last Monday, when we were in for treatment in was oddly quiet...almost eerie. I was a bit out of sorts...sitting on the "wrong" side, different nurses (although they were wonderful), and I looked around and it was just me and my girls...Deb and Jess. Deb had come in early, so she was almost done, and Jess was in for her short round, so she left soon after I got there. It was weird...I was the only one in there for a while-it was like we were shooting a movie...very surreal.

As much as I am ready to be done, you somehow get attached to coming to treatment every week, seeing the same people over and over. I have been warned that after treatment there is a bit of a let down and some depression... that you don't know what to do with yourself now that you are not actively in treatment. I can see that...and how that could happen.

Again, all we can do is take one day at a time. I like to be prepared, but not predict...you never know.

I hope everyone had a wonderful and blessed Christmas. As much as I simplified our calenders and paced our family...it went by so fast. My biggest joy was watching the children, they were so happy and excited. People get so caught up...I felt a bit overwhelmed at times, but certainly not caught up. There is a difference.

One of my best friends, you all know her by now- Ashley Grace, was in the hospital with Keith (her little boy, Cameron's buddy) who is 4. His appendix ruptured and for 7 days they spent fighting secondary effects from his surgery. It was heartbreaking to know what was going on and even more so to know they were going to spend Christmas in the hospital. On top of that, Caroline(Ash's daughter) had gotten a horrible virus, so she couldn't even go visit in the common areas (no kids allowed on the hospital floors)...it could have been worse, but it was a white hot mess because everyone was split up. I couldn't go up of course, so we did multiple drive by's, dropping off any and everything we could think of that might make things better...knowing good and well the only thing we ALL wanted was for him to get well and come home. Thank goodness I can say, he went home last night and is at home resting and recovering. Thank the Lord!

Of course I have been thinking of them and praying for them so hard-duh! But as I was really thinking of them, it dawn on me (and the reason why I am writing about this)...is that it yet again changed my perspective, (especially for the Holidays). Ash and I were talking about it again today, how when you are stripped of all of life's "stuff"...your needs are very simple. God, health and happiness.(In that order mind you). That's all you need. Sometimes certain situations will force your hand at realizing this, after all many people proclaim to already know this and it doesn't have to take a "bad" situation to figure this out. I just think it makes you figure it out faster if you don't get it...

Like many things in life, it was a bittersweet week for them and a bittersweet time...in the end, they are all back together under one roof. Amen.

For me it reminded me of many things that were or have become bittersweet, but at the end of the day-I know where I lay my head, who is beside me, and who I pray to...

Before I end this post...I have to say, that I am grateful for the people I got to visit with and the things I got to do over the past few days. I did alot of praying that not only was I well enough to be around people, but that people were well enough to be around me. If you have never had a compromised immune system, I realize you don't get it...but it changes your life and how you do everything. For me it was a blessing to go to church Christmas Eve and to even be around the kids for the festivities...please God, just keep me well enough to plug through 4 more rounds of treatment!!

Thank you for your continued love, prayers, and support...they keep our hearts warm and our love tank full. God bless you ALL!

Angel Kisses, Christmas Wishes

Dear Santa,

My Christmas wish is coming directly from the heart-

Health, Peace, and Happiness from me is where it starts.

Time is on my list this year, something often taken for granted-

Count our blessings one by one, pay it forward...may the seed be planted.

The promise of tomorrows, a glance into years ahead-

The blessing to see my son graduate, the gift to see my daughter wed.

My wish is to forgive and forget, start anew from a place so pure-

While you're at it- oh dear Santa, could you also find us the CURE?

Take away the the sick, the suffering, all of those in need and pain-

Bless our surrounding soldiers and for those who were not lost in vain.

On my list I wish to live, but never live in fear-

Let go of absolutely all regrets, but reach for this new year.

Santa, if I had to... I would do it all over again-

2009 held so many blessings, I can't imagine 2010.

Thank you for listening and for taking a little time-

For this is not a list,but a prayer... I know, because it's mine.

Love,

Warrior Girl

Round 11 Goes to...

You guessed it...WARRIOR! I am so so grateful! Aside from some port issues (ugh), it was a long but uneventful drip this past Monday. (Remember, we like uneventful).I was in great company and think I recall most of what we talked about (wink wink)...Tuesday was a bit rough, but I was lucky enough to rally for the drive up to Spartenburg to see my older younger brother Ryan WALK!! He is now an official graduate of USC (we are so excited-we won't even hold that against him, being major Clemson fans!). I felt so fortunate to be well enough to go, I certainly keep praying for good health, as I DON'T take it for granted.

As we get closer to the holidays and things get busier and busier...I try and make more of an effort to slow down and really let things soak in. I would rather shave a few things off my social calender in order to really enjoy what I plan on showing up for...

My perspective has changed...I felt myself starting to get overwhelmed yesterday. The thought of trying to make all the events planned and all of the people involved happy, almost kept me driving straight on I 85 yesterday...I didn't care where we ended up, as long as it was NOT here where I knew the pressure would be. I closed my eyes and said a prayer...took a very deep breath and LET IT GO. Some people might find this very "Bah Hum Buggish", but you think you know, but you really don't know. I have a HUGE family, love them all dearly, and in the end I am very blessed! It's the old saying,"Too much of a good thing...".

I post this photo above because it makes me smile for the most part (and cry a little to be honest)...it was a year ago today that my sister and I were taking this picture. We were on a cruise and felt like we didn't have a care in the world (although I am sure we did).We spoke about it yesterday and thought, "Wow, what can happen in a year..." So much has happened in a year, some things wonderful (my niece)...some things, not so wonderful...(my diagnoses). I reflect back on this year I have had so far (it ain't over yet...) and am amazed by so much. The blessings, the friendships, the emotions, the roller coaster ride that will forever change my life and how I see it. I still don't think I get the full scope of what has been happening over the past 6 months, and that's okay. God will reveal things to me (as He already has) in His own time. In the meantime, I will revel...revel in the goodness we do have. God has given us so much, it is mindblowing.

People ask me all the time, "Are you always so flippin' positive and uplifting?" I am the real me all the time(which is sometimes like opening a bag of crazy, just ask my husband) (Chuckle) But...NO, No, and no...I have not so good moments, not so good days, and heck- sometimes, not so good weeks! Every post I have ever written has been straight from my heart and head. Most days are sunny, but there are some days I simply can't stop crying for one reason or another. People that are close to me know this and it's important that you all know this too.

But for now and for today...the day is a glorious one. We try and take things not even day to day around here, but hour by hour, sometimes even minute by minute.

Over the next 2 nights I am looking forward to spending some good quality time with my girls. They have been an amazing support to me and I just can't wait to be in their company (minus an IV pole...ha!) Instead of a saline bag in hand, I just may have a small glass of Presseco!

Cheers people...here's to peace, love, health and happiness!

Round Em Up, Round 11...

Okay, so I HAD to put these on here....look at these shoes! I am drooling all over the computer as I write this! They are PINK and SPARKLY! The perfect shoe! We are scaling back, way back for Christmas this year. Buying for only the children and the Mom's...which is kinda nice. We were able to put more focus on the kids, which is what the holidays are all about anyway, right? Blah blah blah...Unless you are talking about THESE shoes! Please little elves, if you happen to be listening, I am a size 8.5, have been really good this year and would donate half of what's in my closet for these! Haha...a girl can dream, right?

Well, this weekend came and went like Santa on speed and here we are back again at Monday, Monday (that's for all you Al Roker fans)...drip date time! Round 11 goes to Dad and Tricia, they are taking me today and I am looking forward to catching up and chatting about the upcoming holidays (they will just have to remind me of what I say, because apparently last week Steph and I stopped at CFA to grab something to eat and I DON'T remember that). Soooo, I just throw a disclaimer of what I do and what I say...roll with it and have fun! It's unique how each person I know that goes to treatment handles things differently, some people like to be quiet and still, listening to their ipod visualizing stomping out all cancer cells forever. Some people, are inquisitive and ask questions the entire time, which is their sweet way of trying not to worry, some people sleep the ENTIRE time which I am jealous (I am always in and out of light sleep), and then there is me...making my rounds saying Hi to everyone like I have been invited to a party! I don't know what happens to me and saying that I look forward to going to treatment would be a stretch, but I do love seeing my friends and my nurses, especially my Judi. They bring me a sense of proactive comfort...all my little soldiers gathering together, while the war we fight on the outside is quiet and peaceful, the war on the inside is raging. Kill cancer, kill cancer....nice sweet thoughts for the holiday season we are in huh? Again, I feel like I am living 2 different lives, but oddly enough, I feel present in both.

Speaking of sweet holiday season, we had a fantastic weekend. We took Lou to her first movie, which she LOVED! We had so much fun watching her watch the movie! Then we celebrated Cameron getting Student of the Month....HUGE DEAL! We are so proud of him I almost wet my pants! We will be celebrating that for a long time. Then it was off to get Lou's ears pierced, another big deal (I had to be 12 before I could get mine done),there was a group of cutie pie teenagers there watching Lexi, trying to convince Cameron to get his ear pierced too(ummmm, NO!) Then we had a small family birthday party for Alexis,...it was a Cinderella day all day-just for my Lexi. I will upload pics later, my disc was NOT cooperating...sorry!

This week ahead, my wish and prayer is to pace myself(and my family) to stay well enough to attend all of these important festivities. I don't have to stay long at any of them, we just have a busy week. Treatment today, then we get to go up to Sparkleburg, to watch my brother Ryan graduate college-whahooooo! Then it's ornament exchange Thursday, cocktail time with the girlies on Friday, wedding on Saturday, and then Family Christmas Party on Sunday...whew! Again, I am pacing myself and do not have to stay long at any of these...the second I get tired or hear someone cough or sneeze...I am OUTIE!

Then next week is Christmas...can you believe it??? I am very much looking forward to taking most of January and February OFF baby!

Alrighty, need to scoot off. It's always a rush to see what I can get done before I have to leave for treatment. Enjoy your week sweet people, take a few minutes each day to be still, say your prayers, and give lots of hugs...you never know who's day you will make, maybe your own!

Round 10 Goes To....

WARRIOR!

Amen, I can say it a bit louder this week. It hasn't been a walk in the park, but so far this week is at least better than last. It always seems to get a bit more difficult towards the end of the week. I think it's all the meds and drugs working and weaving their way through my body, plus the fact that I may be tired from "running" my life. My focus these days is to "walk" it and walk it kinda slow...I want to get things done, but at a very cautious pace. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

I have 6 more weeks of this taxol and clinical trial, and I am so ready to be done. I have blown up to the size of a small Macy's Day Parade float and feel just miserable. I know treatment effects everyone differently, but the side effects never truly leave me, I guess maybe the only good side to that is that maybe this is my assurance they are continuely working. I do have an important decision to make about continueing the study drug or not...it is a blind study, so we won't know until the end of the 6 weeks if I have really been getting the drug or not. Some days I think I am, some days-not so sure. There have been a few people who have suffered some heart failure (not fatal thank goodness), but who have obviously had to go off the trial. They monitor my heart and it's stability closely and feel that to date my heart has been strong enough to continue, but ultimately it is my call to continue or not. I can pull off at any time.You never think you will have to make decisions like, okay...continue killing potential cancer cells? or possible flubbing up your heart? Either way, I am so ready to be done. At least I know that everyday when I do what my energy allows... I know I am trying my best, physically and mentally. That's all I can do.

I am heartbroken to even write this... 2 of my friends lost their Mothers to cancer this past week and I am mad for them. Cancer steals away people before we are ready, but I imagine it is especially hard so close to the holidays. I pray for peace and comfort for them and for the ability to feel God's arms around them as they go through not only these tough days ahead, but for the tougher days to come.

As tough as some days can be, I am grateful that God allows me another day here...to go out and find my purpose and to try and make a difference.

I hope the Holidays are treating you all well and that you are able to slow down and enjoy the reason for the season. It is always a challenge to be in the moment, especially when you have small kids, they just get so excited they tend to run 100 miles an hour (which is just not possible for me right now)...God bless them and their energy, and God bless YOU!

Have a good rest of your week and we will check in with you later....Big Warrior LOVE!

The Line of Decision...

Happy Sunday evening to ya...I hope you all truly had a good week,thankfully my week got a bit better. I feel ready to start again with a new week, a better week! Tomorrow marks Round 10, can you believe it? Each minute of each day holds different time. Sometimes it flies, sometimes it stands still. As long as I am crossing treatments off, may the days keep rolling...

Steph is my drip date tomorrow and I am looking forward to our time. We always have good conversation, throw some chemo meds in there and I am sure things will get real fun, heck we might even start a riot!

I was listening to Bon Jovi's new cd today and one of my new favorite songs is cut 12..."Learn to Love the World Your Living In". The entire song is amazing, but there is one line I love-

"On the fence of decision, it's revenge or forgiveness..." Now I spend alot of time thinking about relationships, it's what matters most to me. I consider myself a very loyal, devoted, committed kind of person....but I am not perfect. I try to think before I speak and do...but I am not perfect. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated...but again, I am not perfect.

Ever since my diagnoses, I have been digging deeper, doing even more soul searching about life and how I should and could handle "things". Just because I have had breast cancer or am up to my eye balls in treatment, doesn't make me immune to stupid (for lack of a better word) "crap". It just changes the way I react to them (most days, depending on my whacked out hormones).

I won't lie and say that my life is now issue free...after all I am human. However, I am more selective on what I let bother me and what I do about it. If something is bothering me, I envision myself addressing the situation. Really visualize confronting the issue...if it feels like it would be worth my time, worth my energy, and it could actually change things-then I move forward with a plan. If not, I try to learn how to let it go, really let it go. The fence of decision is not a fun place to be on, and this song got me really thinking about forgiveness. I'm not really interested in revenge, I know who has my back and He will take care of holding other people accountable.That's certainly NOT my job. So all that's left is acceptance and forgiveness. Can you forgive someone if they don't even know they have done something to hurt you? I don't know, maybe that's the true measure of true peace. That's all I am ever after...true peace, health, and happiness.

I don't know what got me started on this, with chemo brain you tend to be thinking about the most profound thing, to thinking if you remembered to bring the toilet paper downstairs. I think with the holidays upon us, we tend to think more about each other and relationships...what we can change, what we cannot change.I guess what I think is, we can't be expected to change other people, so maybe learn to change our thinking and figure they are the ones missing out.

I don't have it all figured out, especially with many of my brain cells MIA these days. However, that will not stop me from trying to figure out what is and what remains important.

Have a fantastic start to your week sweet people, say a little prayer that all goes well for Round 10, after this we have 6 more to go! We will check in with you sometime mid week!

Lots of big Warrior Love!