Signing Off...

"Parting is such sweet sorrow..."

I have been anxious to write and to not write this last and final post for Warriors Wear Pink.

For me this day is a huge milestone-one of great victory, strength, and privilege. I owe everything to God and the people he directly put in my life on this path.

Today one year ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer and as I sit here-I feel amazing! I feel wonderful about today, am excited about tomorrow, and over the moon about what the future has in store for me.

Trust that you have NOT heard the last of me, in fact-this my friends, is only the beginning. I have always said I would stop this blog at my 1 year anniversary, my goal is to turn this into a book and God willing, get it published...if not, I will do it on my own. At this point I am afraid of nothing and invented the term"push through".The 2 main gifts this blog gave me was (1)my sanity at an insane time and (2)something to give my family to remind us all of just how beautiful the day after a storm really is.

I will keep this blog up for others to share and read, I hope that it will be helpful in some way, to ease the pain or calm the fears for someone who might be embarking on this Pink Sorority Ship.

I will begin my next blog Pink Lotus after Rhett and I get back from our celebration cruise(speaking of ships), which is just around the corner. This will be less about my personal story, but more about lessons, inspirations, and advice...coming from many different, but well thought out sources. There will be links, resource pages, and even more music. My hope is that it will be even more helpful for fighters and their caregivers.So, you see-this is not the end, but actually the beginning of something very new and exciting.

In true form I have included 2 final self portraits(ha)...you know the ones, usually me behind the wheel in my car or in the restroom of a restaurant...showing hey, that's me in my ordinary life-after all it does keep moving along-it's your choice to go with it or not. I chose to not only keep going with it, but to lead the pack. I encourage anyone else to do the same.

The only other thing I may include on this blog is a beautiful storyboard the Charleston Breast Center had put together for their Golf Tournament coming up June 7th out at Kiawah. They asked me to share my story and I felt honored to be asked to be a part of something I already felt so passionate about...anything to help my fellow Warrior Women gear up or stay strong for battle.

Other than that...this is it. I am once again crying over my laptop as I write this because my blog has been one of my best friends...it has been part of my salvation and a direct link from heart to brain to paper. My guts are on these pages and what I write comes from my toes...while I have always claimed to be a non-writer...all of these words have been poured from my soul straight from the heavenly Divine Himself. Thank you God for giving me the release of fear and pain, for I have left it all on this paper.

Lastly, I want to thank anyone and everyone who has ever given us a dollar or a prayer. You know who you are! I simply cannot list them all or that will begin what would become the biggest cry fest yet...just know that I love you all dearly and that "thank you" will never even ever come close.

Until we meet again, which will be very soon...I will close out with these final words:

Happy trails to you, until we meet again-

Some trails are happy ones

Others are blue

Its the way you ride the trail that counts...

Here's a happy one for you.

Dale Evans

Peace, love and light to all my Warriors out there. God bless you and keep you well.

All my love,

Leslie

aka-"Pink Warrior"

Sacred Ground...Sacred Time

No photos, no images...just thoughts,just words.

This is the beginning of what my girlfriend Deb calls the Sacred Week...it is the week that started everything. Yesterday was the day I left my primary Dr's office one year ago with a prescription in my hand for a mammogram-even at that exact moment as I was checking out, I could feel the air leaving my body...I knew what was in store for me even before I got my actual mammogram. God was already preparing me and I could feel it, really feel it.I recall floating out of that office with a sense of deflation, but the time I got to my car-I had already made up my mind to get into Warrior mode. Yep, it happened that fast. As foggy as that day seemed and the news that was to come in the follow 2 days...I was already gearing up. My gut told me what was about to happen... though never in my wildest dreams I would think it could become a reality-it got real...real fast!

Some people are saying "Why would you want to celebrate this day or that day?"." It was one of the worst days of your life?".

What I am celebrating is getting through the toughest year in my life...this week to me is not about celebration, but respect. Every year on this week, I will do something sacred and speciaI. It might be a trip, it might be a walk, it might be helping another warrior...but it will be something respectful and meaningful. I am not in the mood to "celebrate", but my instinct is to get very still and very quiet. I want to pay respect to a week where tests, words, and results were so powerful that it would forever change everything. Sounds fair to me. By acknowledging the course of events doesn't give "it" power, it gives me back my power. I can think about it and know where I came from and know where I am today and say that I kicked ass and took names.I can remember how scared I was then and how strong I feel today. I feel like I am not afraid of much in this life and I say "Bring It'...but that only happened because of June 1st.

It has and continues to mold me as a new person, even as I write this and I am so very excited to see what the future has in store for me. So for that- I have to say Thank you to God for lining this up in my path.It has not been easy, but it has been enlightening. I have been more blessed than burdened and I have great trust in the bigger picture.

I am off to enjoy some "me" time. I think a walk on the beach will be nice and then I think I will pay the sweet rad tech (who did my initial mammogram) a visit. She was crying just as hard as I was that very day when we left that office. She and I both knew we were about to take a "Left turn Clyde!". I would love to go back and give her a hug and tell her I am alright...in fact, I am better than alright-

I am GREAT!

Celebrating One Year, Wild Dunes Style

Well, I just came off one of our many celebration events...as it is raining I am reflecting on how much I love the people that surrounded us this past weekend. There are many others, in fact-we couldn't have rented a house big enough to hold everyone who have simply meant the world to me over this past year. A year...what can happen in a year is mind blowing and right now as we start rounding the corner on the one year anniversary of things-it is blowing my mind! I feel like I am floating in the ocean at night-meaning I am looking up seeing the moon and it's brilliant light and all the stars representing all the possibilities. However, if you know me, you know I am a bit afraid of the ocean and what might lie beneath...the unknown, the things I cannot see. Still, I am afloat and coasting with the tide and current, trying to just roll with things. Right now it is the best way to explain how I am feeling.

In my mind I am also running through the fields of gold, because by the Grace of God physically I feel amazing. I don't know what it is about hitting the "one year" mark about anything but especially something so life changing-it makes you want to stop right in your tracks and get down on your knees. So many people have been asking me about my blog and will I continue on...I will be finishing this particular blog on the one year anniversary of my diagnoses and starting a new one. My plan is to turn the first part of my journey into a book and to make the next blog more helpful for people. The vision for the next 2 years is very clear, but the vision for the next 2 month or so is still rest and recovery. Work is still very busy and we have so many celebration "vacations" coming up...it will consume most of the summer.

So much has happened to me in every way- physically, mentally, spiritually-my diagnoses has changed so much in my life- but I can say this loud and clear...what I know to be certain is that I am loved and I am blessed. I know that I have always stopped to smell the roses, but I now stop and smell them, touch them, look at their deep blood red color and know that it is the same color of red that runs through my veins and how lucky I am to say that.

My mind is flooded with thoughts and perspective right now, so I may be writing more frequently up until June 1st. I am sure there is a reason for this and I am just going to go with the flow. See where my thoughts take me and what lesson there is for me in closing out this chapter of this book.

I am posting a few pictures of this past weekend. (Yes, that would be me with the unruly hair "do"...but hey, it's hair!) Thank you everyone who came out and who helped make this weekend happen, there are many many more photos that I will post later (somehow I can only fit a handful per post), and most of all Margaret-we MISSED you dearly!

I am raising my cup of coffee to the thought of this weekend, toasting to the best of friends and family. I love you all dearly, thank you for the beginning of the "kick off" season of celebration!

Waggin' Warriors...Pups Wear Pink Too!

Wow, so much has happened over the past week!

I did my first destination wedding this past weekend, so I was gone for 4 days! It was up in the hills/mountains of Alabama/Tennessee. It was a gorgeous affair, with a gorgeous Bride and I thank my lucky stars they were just as wonderful on the inside. It was a looong trip, but in the end I learned so much and figured out how to pull off a national gig (not easy by the way). The main purpose of me even taking that job was to get quality time in with my Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins...I have so many relatives in Huntsville-so the trip had purpose and meaning. It was worth the blood, sweat, and tears getting there to have that special time with my family. I felt like I was a little girl again. There house even had the same aroma it did when I was a child, I was flooded with memories the entire time.They were taking such good care of me, catering to me, and doting over me-I felt like a queen. It was wonderfully quiet and very peaceful-just the change of pace I needed to regroup. Even though the trip was exhausting, I came home refreshed and was blessed for the opportunity to have that time with all of them. I also met a wonderful gal who assisted me the day of the wedding and I have a feeling we will keep in touch. I just loved her and was super grateful for her time and talent.

The other major thing we have had going on is with our sweet pup Zoe. She was our first "baby" and I surprised Rhett with her when we first got married and bought our first home. She is a very smart, intuitive pooch and very sensitive. About a month ago, we took her in because the vet thought she had fluid on her knee. We were told to come back if the meds we gave her didn't work and they would drain her knee (not uncommon in big breeds), well when we returned from Charlotte it had gone from it's egg size, to the size of a baseball! We took her in again and found out it was a tumor and not just any tumor...a fast growing aggressive tumor. After I cried for 2 days, we made a plan. Within a week we had many appointments with several vets, all suggesting best case was to amputate her leg and that the quality of life for her would be so bad-we in reality needed to look at putting her down. WHAT??? I was NOT willing to do that until we exhausted all options. We told Dad (Rhett's dad) what was going on and his vet called the next day saying he wanted the path report and to see Zoe for himself. I was so mad that cancer yet again was affecting our precious family, but tried to stay focused that this might be our last shot of giving her a second chance. Not to mention, the previous mentioned surgery was to the tune of about $3500.00! Still, we were not going to give up...

Fast forward...he agreed it was worth a shot to do the surgery (tumor now the size of a grapefruit) and we would pray he would get it all. Best case-we get it all, she heals and has several more wonderful years. Worst case, it comes back...and we will have to make tough decisions from there concerning quality of life and time. Thank the good Lord that this man stepped up and agreed to take this on, AND the best news is that he is doing it pro bono through the SPCA...so ladies and gentleman know that your local donations go to helping people like us. Next time you see an SPCA can sitting out somewhere, throw a couple of dollars in...it may be the family next door that needs their help, or it could be you! All I can say is that we are grateful for Dad putting us in contact with this vet, grateful that he is a man of heart who donates his time and talent to the SPCA, and had the attitude and gump to say..."Let's do THIS!"

Zoe is sitting here right next to me, I bundled her up in my pink breast cancer ribbon blanket just for extra luck...as I write and work-she is resting and recovering. We both have a little something in common and I feel that she feels it, she knows. Pray the surgery worked and that she has a good recovery and we will keep you all posted on this waggin' warrior!

Thank you God for a safe weekend and for giving my Zo Zo a second chance!

Happy Mother's Day!

Is that Happy Mother's Day or Happy Mother's Day? I guess any day where Momma is happy is a Happy Day, right?

The saying goes..."Happy Wife, Happy Life" and I like

"Happy Momma...No more DRAMA"! Amen.

When I think about Mother's Day, I think about many things...I think about my amazingly sweet children here on this earth, who even in the hardest of times, I love so much my heart just aches. Such a profound love that without question I would give up my life in a instant to save or protect them. I also think of my two little stars up in heaven who didn't have the chance to make it into our homes, but certainly made it into our hearts. They were our first babies and we will always have a place for them in our hearts, as they have a place for us with them up in heaven. There were many tearful nights wondering if we were ever even going to be parents...and God has blessed us twice! They are what make my Mother's Day cherishable(if that isn't a word, it is now) and precious.

I also think about all of my wonderful Mothers and how each one has touched my life, especially during this past year. We are so close on coming to the "Year" mark of my diagnoses and I'm am still trying to get my head around the severity of these past 11 months and how it has forever changed some things and not changed some things at all. (More of the first, honestly).

I think of how blessed I am to have such strong supportive Mothers...all so different, bringing different elements into my life. I am eternally grateful for all the love and support my "Mothers" have given me...they have all shown up at some point or another. Some went to Drs appointments with me and took notes when I couldn't even believe I was there, much less absorbing what I was being told. Some held my hand during treatments as the poison swam through my body-how hard it must have been for a Mother to watch a child endure that? Or the "Mother" who breaks into my house because I am too sick to come downstairs to answer the door-she rushes in to feed me, to give me my meds, and to brush my hair off my pillow that continued to fall out...all with a brave face, now that's a strong Mom! Or how about the Mom who took my kids countless times and left bags of groceries, week after week. As time went on, each Mother seem to blossom in their own way of support and caregiver-always stepping up to the plate. They were my crutch for leaning, my shoulder for crying, my ears for listening, my sounding board for my rants, my safety net for my falls...thank you God for putting Mothers on this earth and thank you for blessing me with more than I deserve in that department.

I think back to last year's Mother's Day. We had Lexi dedicated at church, then went and had a huge family lunch. This year, we went to church and then had a family picnic, followed by more family time. As busy as it can be, to me that's what Mother's Day is all about...family.

I hope all Mothers today had a wonderful, beautiful, and blessed Mother's Day. You are the roots to our tree of life...whether you are here on this earth or up above in heaven-you keep us grounded. You are our rock and our soft safe place to fall,all in one.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me the love only a "Mother" could.

For all of you precious Mother's who are up in heaven, know that we celebrate and honor you in everything beautiful that's in this life here on earth.

You are not forgotten but remembered even more.

Happy Momma's Day!

Who Gives Love a Bad Name???

They totally give love a bad name! It has been over a week since we saw Bon Jovi and I am still trying to figure out how we can get to another show! It was that good!

So many people have asked how the concert was, so I thought I would post a few pics we took-not bad for someone who was jumping around the entire time. Really, I was so excited-I was shaking!

I say, you haven't lived until you hear 20,000 people screaming

"Shot through the heart and you're to blame...".

Whew, I am sweating thinking about it...I know I know, I am a crazy fan! Call it like you see it, right?

I want to say thank the good Lord, I feel like a new person! Last week was a pretty low week for me and my family and as soon as I stopped taking Tamoxifen, my life turned around. I know I will need to start my new meds soon and that they will be long term, but I am just so grateful for modern medicine and options. That drug was making me literally crazy and we had to find something just as effective that would give me back my life. I know that there are many unpleasant side effects to taking meds like this one, but these were way outside of the normal range. Rhett and everyone around me said that they have noticed a drastic change and that I almost seem "happy"again. Anyone who knows me and knows me well- last week would have scared the poop out of you-I was a different person and this week I feel like "me" again .I felt like I had a better quality of life while I was doing chemo if that tells you how bad it was...for now, I am going to enjoy "detox" and being somewhat chemical free!

I was blessed to have a great weekend! Worked a very long day out of town Saturday and had great friends and family time on Sunday-it was wonderful!

I having been thinking alot of my sweet Mimi who passed away of lung cancer my senior year of high school. She was such a strong lady and is still a strong presence in my life-I hear her voice and advice all the time. She was a sassy spit fire, who probably weighed 100lbs soaking wet-but she was a force to be reckoned with and was full of life and words of wisdom. I believe she faced alot of challenge in her life, but always with her head held high. This is what I hear often when I am thinking of her. She always said, "My dear, there will always be someone more fortunate than you, and you will always be more fortunate than someone else. You are where are, and it is what it is...change what you can change and learn to accept what you cannot...Live your life true to you and always do the right thing, no matter what". The very last thing she gave me was a bible, which sits on my nightstand-it is the very first thing I see when I get up every morning.

I have been very lucky and blessed to have 2 amazing "class act" Grandmothers in my life. Their words of wisdom mold me and their truth in reality help me document my life as it happens. I know I have one angel here on earth who loves me and prays for me, and one looking down keeping a close eye on me, reminding me to "Live my life true to me..." and that's what I am trying to do.

One day at a time...

Hope you all have a wonderful and blessed week, I am sure to make it a better one over here in our neck of the woods!

Thank you God for the valleys, because the climb to the top is that much sweeter.

This Is Your Brain...

This is your brain post treatment...

I immediately recalled the old skool commercial, "This is your brain...this is your brain on drugs" when it showed an egg, then a fried egg. Forgive me, I am digging for the humor right now.

I wanted to wait until I met with Dr. Brescia before I posted an update, plus it has taken me this long to pull myself together enough to write. It is time to purge and hopefully finally get rid of some of this stuff I have been holding inside. I feel like an emotional bulimic- minute to minute changes for me and today was definitely new territory. I believe I hit an emotional "bottom".

As many of you know, life lately has been challenging to say the least. I realize this might confuse some of you (heck it has confused me) and you may think the timing is weird and hey...shouldn't she be rejoicing now that treatment is done? In one word...YES! It is what I should be doing, but instead I will tell you the truth and tell you what's really going on.Remember, I am not normally Debbie Downer, but girlfriend is gonna keep it real...

Let me just start off by saying that I will do whatever, whenever it takes to keep me clean and free. No doubt, no question...my focus and priority are to live the best quality of life for the longest time possible. For my children, my husband, and to serve those around me. I want to make a difference in the lives I come in contact with. I will also say that I know my situation is a fortunate one in many ways, there are still so many sick people fighting for their lives. Knowing this only makes me feel more guilty for feeling the way I do. However, this is an important part of the journey, which I why I am even writing about it-these past few weeks have been pivotal for me and my family and have made us pull back layer after layer. I have said this before, sometimes the emotional work is harder than the physical work.

Now the trick is, in order to take care of those around you, you have to take care of yourself...which leads me to my next point.

I was warned about the possible side effects of the post drugs I MUST take, I was also warned that I may fall into a small group where the side effects are beyond the normal range.

Now I have been on T. for about a month now and I have been keeping track of how bad I have been feeling, and it has just gotten worse and worse. Listen, I took treatment like a champ for the most part, and rarely had a gripe or complaint about anything. I did my best to be honest, but tough. There was no toughing out what I was going through...not this time.

It's hard to tell, am I feeling this way because I am still in the throws of "What the heck just happened to me?" Could it be the natural stress of having a young family? A blessed, but thriving business? Or could it be the meds I am on? Seriously, I am losing my mind at this point?

So today was physically a better day for me (more energy, less pain)-but emotionally, I was a hot mess. I couldn't even get it together to go see Dr. Brescia. I had a light bulb moment and thought,"He needs to see me like this, this is what my everyday has come to..." So in I went, crying hot mess and all.

In a nut shell, the drug I was taking was making me crazy. Life was a roller coaster and I am not kidding when I say I was bawling one minute and screaming the next! Dr. Brescia said NO MORE! We have options on meds that are just as effective, that won't make me feel this bad. After talking,he said to stop taking Tamoxifen immediately! He wants to give my body a break(anywhere from a week to a month) and then start me on an AI, Lupron, and Zumeta. He made a very good point, he said this was a huge long term commitment, and that I can't be this frail for the long haul. No way Jose'. Me, frail? Yes, me a wreck! He smiled his sweet smile, gave me a hug and said,"You can't have it all...you have trucked through everything else with gold stars...this? This we have some options with. We need you back for the long haul, so...he's bringing me back by taking me off of these meds and we are going a different, but just as effective route!

Whew...sorry to be so long winded. I don't even know who reads this anymore,but again-I felt it was super important to include. This was definitely a chapter I had to include in the cancer chronicles.

If this can be of any help for someone who may be going through something even close to this, I want you to know you are not alone. You are not crazy and you are not alone. Talk to your Dr. and ask for help!

Stay with me folks, I promise it will get better!

Peace, Love,Healing, and Happiness-

Warrior