Warriors Wear Pink

Signing Off...

2010-06-01T17:59:00.000-07:00

"Parting is such sweet sorrow..."

I have been anxious to write and to not write this last and final post for Warriors Wear Pink.

For me this day is a huge milestone-one of great victory, strength, and privilege. I owe everything to God and the people he directly put in my life on this path.

Today one year ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer and as I sit here-I feel amazing! I feel wonderful about today, am excited about tomorrow, and over the moon about what the future has in store for me.

Trust that you have NOT heard the last of me, in fact-this my friends, is only the beginning. I have always said I would stop this blog at my 1 year anniversary, my goal is to turn this into a book and God willing, get it published...if not, I will do it on my own. At this point I am afraid of nothing and invented the term"push through".The 2 main gifts this blog gave me was (1)my sanity at an insane time and (2)something to give my family to remind us all of just how beautiful the day after a storm really is.

I will keep this blog up for others to share and read, I hope that it will be helpful in some way, to ease the pain or calm the fears for someone who might be embarking on this Pink Sorority Ship.

I will begin my next blog Pink Lotus after Rhett and I get back from our celebration cruise(speaking of ships), which is just around the corner. This will be less about my personal story, but more about lessons, inspirations, and advice...coming from many different, but well thought out sources. There will be links, resource pages, and even more music. My hope is that it will be even more helpful for fighters and their caregivers.So, you see-this is not the end, but actually the beginning of something very new and exciting.

In true form I have included 2 final self portraits(ha)...you know the ones, usually me behind the wheel in my car or in the restroom of a restaurant...showing hey, that's me in my ordinary life-after all it does keep moving along-it's your choice to go with it or not. I chose to not only keep going with it, but to lead the pack. I encourage anyone else to do the same.

The only other thing I may include on this blog is a beautiful storyboard the Charleston Breast Center had put together for their Golf Tournament coming up June 7th out at Kiawah. They asked me to share my story and I felt honored to be asked to be a part of something I already felt so passionate about...anything to help my fellow Warrior Women gear up or stay strong for battle.

Other than that...this is it. I am once again crying over my laptop as I write this because my blog has been one of my best friends...it has been part of my salvation and a direct link from heart to brain to paper. My guts are on these pages and what I write comes from my toes...while I have always claimed to be a non-writer...all of these words have been poured from my soul straight from the heavenly Divine Himself. Thank you God for giving me the release of fear and pain, for I have left it all on this paper.

Lastly, I want to thank anyone and everyone who has ever given us a dollar or a prayer. You know who you are! I simply cannot list them all or that will begin what would become the biggest cry fest yet...just know that I love you all dearly and that "thank you" will never even ever come close.

Until we meet again, which will be very soon...I will close out with these final words:

Happy trails to you, until we meet again-

Some trails are happy ones

Others are blue

Its the way you ride the trail that counts...

Here's a happy one for you.

Dale Evans

Peace, love and light to all my Warriors out there. God bless you and keep you well.

All my love,

Leslie

aka-"Pink Warrior"

Sacred Ground...Sacred Time

2010-05-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

No photos, no images...just thoughts,just words.

This is the beginning of what my girlfriend Deb calls the Sacred Week...it is the week that started everything. Yesterday was the day I left my primary Dr's office one year ago with a prescription in my hand for a mammogram-even at that exact moment as I was checking out, I could feel the air leaving my body...I knew what was in store for me even before I got my actual mammogram. God was already preparing me and I could feel it, really feel it.I recall floating out of that office with a sense of deflation, but the time I got to my car-I had already made up my mind to get into Warrior mode. Yep, it happened that fast. As foggy as that day seemed and the news that was to come in the follow 2 days...I was already gearing up. My gut told me what was about to happen... though never in my wildest dreams I would think it could become a reality-it got real...real fast!

Some people are saying "Why would you want to celebrate this day or that day?"." It was one of the worst days of your life?".

What I am celebrating is getting through the toughest year in my life...this week to me is not about celebration, but respect. Every year on this week, I will do something sacred and speciaI. It might be a trip, it might be a walk, it might be helping another warrior...but it will be something respectful and meaningful. I am not in the mood to "celebrate", but my instinct is to get very still and very quiet. I want to pay respect to a week where tests, words, and results were so powerful that it would forever change everything. Sounds fair to me. By acknowledging the course of events doesn't give "it" power, it gives me back my power. I can think about it and know where I came from and know where I am today and say that I kicked ass and took names.I can remember how scared I was then and how strong I feel today. I feel like I am not afraid of much in this life and I say "Bring It'...but that only happened because of June 1st.

It has and continues to mold me as a new person, even as I write this and I am so very excited to see what the future has in store for me. So for that- I have to say Thank you to God for lining this up in my path.It has not been easy, but it has been enlightening. I have been more blessed than burdened and I have great trust in the bigger picture.

I am off to enjoy some "me" time. I think a walk on the beach will be nice and then I think I will pay the sweet rad tech (who did my initial mammogram) a visit. She was crying just as hard as I was that very day when we left that office. She and I both knew we were about to take a "Left turn Clyde!". I would love to go back and give her a hug and tell her I am alright...in fact, I am better than alright-

I am GREAT!

Celebrating One Year, Wild Dunes Style

2010-05-24T10:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I just came off one of our many celebration events...as it is raining I am reflecting on how much I love the people that surrounded us this past weekend. There are many others, in fact-we couldn't have rented a house big enough to hold everyone who have simply meant the world to me over this past year. A year...what can happen in a year is mind blowing and right now as we start rounding the corner on the one year anniversary of things-it is blowing my mind! I feel like I am floating in the ocean at night-meaning I am looking up seeing the moon and it's brilliant light and all the stars representing all the possibilities. However, if you know me, you know I am a bit afraid of the ocean and what might lie beneath...the unknown, the things I cannot see. Still, I am afloat and coasting with the tide and current, trying to just roll with things. Right now it is the best way to explain how I am feeling.

In my mind I am also running through the fields of gold, because by the Grace of God physically I feel amazing. I don't know what it is about hitting the "one year" mark about anything but especially something so life changing-it makes you want to stop right in your tracks and get down on your knees. So many people have been asking me about my blog and will I continue on...I will be finishing this particular blog on the one year anniversary of my diagnoses and starting a new one. My plan is to turn the first part of my journey into a book and to make the next blog more helpful for people. The vision for the next 2 years is very clear, but the vision for the next 2 month or so is still rest and recovery. Work is still very busy and we have so many celebration "vacations" coming up...it will consume most of the summer.

So much has happened to me in every way- physically, mentally, spiritually-my diagnoses has changed so much in my life- but I can say this loud and clear...what I know to be certain is that I am loved and I am blessed. I know that I have always stopped to smell the roses, but I now stop and smell them, touch them, look at their deep blood red color and know that it is the same color of red that runs through my veins and how lucky I am to say that.

My mind is flooded with thoughts and perspective right now, so I may be writing more frequently up until June 1st. I am sure there is a reason for this and I am just going to go with the flow. See where my thoughts take me and what lesson there is for me in closing out this chapter of this book.

I am posting a few pictures of this past weekend. (Yes, that would be me with the unruly hair "do"...but hey, it's hair!) Thank you everyone who came out and who helped make this weekend happen, there are many many more photos that I will post later (somehow I can only fit a handful per post), and most of all Margaret-we MISSED you dearly!

I am raising my cup of coffee to the thought of this weekend, toasting to the best of friends and family. I love you all dearly, thank you for the beginning of the "kick off" season of celebration!

Waggin' Warriors...Pups Wear Pink Too!

2010-05-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, so much has happened over the past week!

I did my first destination wedding this past weekend, so I was gone for 4 days! It was up in the hills/mountains of Alabama/Tennessee. It was a gorgeous affair, with a gorgeous Bride and I thank my lucky stars they were just as wonderful on the inside. It was a looong trip, but in the end I learned so much and figured out how to pull off a national gig (not easy by the way). The main purpose of me even taking that job was to get quality time in with my Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins...I have so many relatives in Huntsville-so the trip had purpose and meaning. It was worth the blood, sweat, and tears getting there to have that special time with my family. I felt like I was a little girl again. There house even had the same aroma it did when I was a child, I was flooded with memories the entire time.They were taking such good care of me, catering to me, and doting over me-I felt like a queen. It was wonderfully quiet and very peaceful-just the change of pace I needed to regroup. Even though the trip was exhausting, I came home refreshed and was blessed for the opportunity to have that time with all of them. I also met a wonderful gal who assisted me the day of the wedding and I have a feeling we will keep in touch. I just loved her and was super grateful for her time and talent.

The other major thing we have had going on is with our sweet pup Zoe. She was our first "baby" and I surprised Rhett with her when we first got married and bought our first home. She is a very smart, intuitive pooch and very sensitive. About a month ago, we took her in because the vet thought she had fluid on her knee. We were told to come back if the meds we gave her didn't work and they would drain her knee (not uncommon in big breeds), well when we returned from Charlotte it had gone from it's egg size, to the size of a baseball! We took her in again and found out it was a tumor and not just any tumor...a fast growing aggressive tumor. After I cried for 2 days, we made a plan. Within a week we had many appointments with several vets, all suggesting best case was to amputate her leg and that the quality of life for her would be so bad-we in reality needed to look at putting her down. WHAT??? I was NOT willing to do that until we exhausted all options. We told Dad (Rhett's dad) what was going on and his vet called the next day saying he wanted the path report and to see Zoe for himself. I was so mad that cancer yet again was affecting our precious family, but tried to stay focused that this might be our last shot of giving her a second chance. Not to mention, the previous mentioned surgery was to the tune of about $3500.00! Still, we were not going to give up...

Fast forward...he agreed it was worth a shot to do the surgery (tumor now the size of a grapefruit) and we would pray he would get it all. Best case-we get it all, she heals and has several more wonderful years. Worst case, it comes back...and we will have to make tough decisions from there concerning quality of life and time. Thank the good Lord that this man stepped up and agreed to take this on, AND the best news is that he is doing it pro bono through the SPCA...so ladies and gentleman know that your local donations go to helping people like us. Next time you see an SPCA can sitting out somewhere, throw a couple of dollars in...it may be the family next door that needs their help, or it could be you! All I can say is that we are grateful for Dad putting us in contact with this vet, grateful that he is a man of heart who donates his time and talent to the SPCA, and had the attitude and gump to say..."Let's do THIS!"

Zoe is sitting here right next to me, I bundled her up in my pink breast cancer ribbon blanket just for extra luck...as I write and work-she is resting and recovering. We both have a little something in common and I feel that she feels it, she knows. Pray the surgery worked and that she has a good recovery and we will keep you all posted on this waggin' warrior!

Thank you God for a safe weekend and for giving my Zo Zo a second chance!

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T18:20:00.000-07:00

Is that Happy Mother's Day or Happy Mother's Day? I guess any day where Momma is happy is a Happy Day, right?

The saying goes..."Happy Wife, Happy Life" and I like

"Happy Momma...No more DRAMA"! Amen.

When I think about Mother's Day, I think about many things...I think about my amazingly sweet children here on this earth, who even in the hardest of times, I love so much my heart just aches. Such a profound love that without question I would give up my life in a instant to save or protect them. I also think of my two little stars up in heaven who didn't have the chance to make it into our homes, but certainly made it into our hearts. They were our first babies and we will always have a place for them in our hearts, as they have a place for us with them up in heaven. There were many tearful nights wondering if we were ever even going to be parents...and God has blessed us twice! They are what make my Mother's Day cherishable(if that isn't a word, it is now) and precious.

I also think about all of my wonderful Mothers and how each one has touched my life, especially during this past year. We are so close on coming to the "Year" mark of my diagnoses and I'm am still trying to get my head around the severity of these past 11 months and how it has forever changed some things and not changed some things at all. (More of the first, honestly).

I think of how blessed I am to have such strong supportive Mothers...all so different, bringing different elements into my life. I am eternally grateful for all the love and support my "Mothers" have given me...they have all shown up at some point or another. Some went to Drs appointments with me and took notes when I couldn't even believe I was there, much less absorbing what I was being told. Some held my hand during treatments as the poison swam through my body-how hard it must have been for a Mother to watch a child endure that? Or the "Mother" who breaks into my house because I am too sick to come downstairs to answer the door-she rushes in to feed me, to give me my meds, and to brush my hair off my pillow that continued to fall out...all with a brave face, now that's a strong Mom! Or how about the Mom who took my kids countless times and left bags of groceries, week after week. As time went on, each Mother seem to blossom in their own way of support and caregiver-always stepping up to the plate. They were my crutch for leaning, my shoulder for crying, my ears for listening, my sounding board for my rants, my safety net for my falls...thank you God for putting Mothers on this earth and thank you for blessing me with more than I deserve in that department.

I think back to last year's Mother's Day. We had Lexi dedicated at church, then went and had a huge family lunch. This year, we went to church and then had a family picnic, followed by more family time. As busy as it can be, to me that's what Mother's Day is all about...family.

I hope all Mothers today had a wonderful, beautiful, and blessed Mother's Day. You are the roots to our tree of life...whether you are here on this earth or up above in heaven-you keep us grounded. You are our rock and our soft safe place to fall,all in one.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me the love only a "Mother" could.

For all of you precious Mother's who are up in heaven, know that we celebrate and honor you in everything beautiful that's in this life here on earth.

You are not forgotten but remembered even more.

Happy Momma's Day!

Who Gives Love a Bad Name???

2010-05-03T06:13:00.000-07:00

They totally give love a bad name! It has been over a week since we saw Bon Jovi and I am still trying to figure out how we can get to another show! It was that good!

So many people have asked how the concert was, so I thought I would post a few pics we took-not bad for someone who was jumping around the entire time. Really, I was so excited-I was shaking!

I say, you haven't lived until you hear 20,000 people screaming

"Shot through the heart and you're to blame...".

Whew, I am sweating thinking about it...I know I know, I am a crazy fan! Call it like you see it, right?

I want to say thank the good Lord, I feel like a new person! Last week was a pretty low week for me and my family and as soon as I stopped taking Tamoxifen, my life turned around. I know I will need to start my new meds soon and that they will be long term, but I am just so grateful for modern medicine and options. That drug was making me literally crazy and we had to find something just as effective that would give me back my life. I know that there are many unpleasant side effects to taking meds like this one, but these were way outside of the normal range. Rhett and everyone around me said that they have noticed a drastic change and that I almost seem "happy"again. Anyone who knows me and knows me well- last week would have scared the poop out of you-I was a different person and this week I feel like "me" again .I felt like I had a better quality of life while I was doing chemo if that tells you how bad it was...for now, I am going to enjoy "detox" and being somewhat chemical free!

I was blessed to have a great weekend! Worked a very long day out of town Saturday and had great friends and family time on Sunday-it was wonderful!

I having been thinking alot of my sweet Mimi who passed away of lung cancer my senior year of high school. She was such a strong lady and is still a strong presence in my life-I hear her voice and advice all the time. She was a sassy spit fire, who probably weighed 100lbs soaking wet-but she was a force to be reckoned with and was full of life and words of wisdom. I believe she faced alot of challenge in her life, but always with her head held high. This is what I hear often when I am thinking of her. She always said, "My dear, there will always be someone more fortunate than you, and you will always be more fortunate than someone else. You are where are, and it is what it is...change what you can change and learn to accept what you cannot...Live your life true to you and always do the right thing, no matter what". The very last thing she gave me was a bible, which sits on my nightstand-it is the very first thing I see when I get up every morning.

I have been very lucky and blessed to have 2 amazing "class act" Grandmothers in my life. Their words of wisdom mold me and their truth in reality help me document my life as it happens. I know I have one angel here on earth who loves me and prays for me, and one looking down keeping a close eye on me, reminding me to "Live my life true to me..." and that's what I am trying to do.

One day at a time...

Hope you all have a wonderful and blessed week, I am sure to make it a better one over here in our neck of the woods!

Thank you God for the valleys, because the climb to the top is that much sweeter.

This Is Your Brain...

2010-04-27T16:24:00.000-07:00

This is your brain post treatment...

I immediately recalled the old skool commercial, "This is your brain...this is your brain on drugs" when it showed an egg, then a fried egg. Forgive me, I am digging for the humor right now.

I wanted to wait until I met with Dr. Brescia before I posted an update, plus it has taken me this long to pull myself together enough to write. It is time to purge and hopefully finally get rid of some of this stuff I have been holding inside. I feel like an emotional bulimic- minute to minute changes for me and today was definitely new territory. I believe I hit an emotional "bottom".

As many of you know, life lately has been challenging to say the least. I realize this might confuse some of you (heck it has confused me) and you may think the timing is weird and hey...shouldn't she be rejoicing now that treatment is done? In one word...YES! It is what I should be doing, but instead I will tell you the truth and tell you what's really going on.Remember, I am not normally Debbie Downer, but girlfriend is gonna keep it real...

Let me just start off by saying that I will do whatever, whenever it takes to keep me clean and free. No doubt, no question...my focus and priority are to live the best quality of life for the longest time possible. For my children, my husband, and to serve those around me. I want to make a difference in the lives I come in contact with. I will also say that I know my situation is a fortunate one in many ways, there are still so many sick people fighting for their lives. Knowing this only makes me feel more guilty for feeling the way I do. However, this is an important part of the journey, which I why I am even writing about it-these past few weeks have been pivotal for me and my family and have made us pull back layer after layer. I have said this before, sometimes the emotional work is harder than the physical work.

Now the trick is, in order to take care of those around you, you have to take care of yourself...which leads me to my next point.

I was warned about the possible side effects of the post drugs I MUST take, I was also warned that I may fall into a small group where the side effects are beyond the normal range.

Now I have been on T. for about a month now and I have been keeping track of how bad I have been feeling, and it has just gotten worse and worse. Listen, I took treatment like a champ for the most part, and rarely had a gripe or complaint about anything. I did my best to be honest, but tough. There was no toughing out what I was going through...not this time.

It's hard to tell, am I feeling this way because I am still in the throws of "What the heck just happened to me?" Could it be the natural stress of having a young family? A blessed, but thriving business? Or could it be the meds I am on? Seriously, I am losing my mind at this point?

So today was physically a better day for me (more energy, less pain)-but emotionally, I was a hot mess. I couldn't even get it together to go see Dr. Brescia. I had a light bulb moment and thought,"He needs to see me like this, this is what my everyday has come to..." So in I went, crying hot mess and all.

In a nut shell, the drug I was taking was making me crazy. Life was a roller coaster and I am not kidding when I say I was bawling one minute and screaming the next! Dr. Brescia said NO MORE! We have options on meds that are just as effective, that won't make me feel this bad. After talking,he said to stop taking Tamoxifen immediately! He wants to give my body a break(anywhere from a week to a month) and then start me on an AI, Lupron, and Zumeta. He made a very good point, he said this was a huge long term commitment, and that I can't be this frail for the long haul. No way Jose'. Me, frail? Yes, me a wreck! He smiled his sweet smile, gave me a hug and said,"You can't have it all...you have trucked through everything else with gold stars...this? This we have some options with. We need you back for the long haul, so...he's bringing me back by taking me off of these meds and we are going a different, but just as effective route!

Whew...sorry to be so long winded. I don't even know who reads this anymore,but again-I felt it was super important to include. This was definitely a chapter I had to include in the cancer chronicles.

If this can be of any help for someone who may be going through something even close to this, I want you to know you are not alone. You are not crazy and you are not alone. Talk to your Dr. and ask for help!

Stay with me folks, I promise it will get better!

Peace, Love,Healing, and Happiness-

Warrior

"We Weren't Born To Follow"...

2010-04-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

I will start this off by posting something fabulous, something I have been looking forward to for a long long time....two words baby-BON JOVI!!!

Rhett and I leave tomorrow for Charlotte to go see one of my all time favorite bands (no worries auntie Vida, we have a house sitter and an alarm system!).

If anyone has their latest cd, know that many hours throughout my treatment have been spent listening to track #12 "Learn to love the world you're living in..." I don't think it will be on their set list tomorrow night, but that is okay-they can get up and sing Ole Mac Freakin' Donald for all I care...again, it's BON JOVI, they can sing the phone book if they wanedt to! Things have been so crazy lately, this is a well deserved mini getaway.

I cannot wait...!!!

Secondly, please forgive anything that might not make "sense"...I have noticed lately that I have just not made total sense, sometimes any sense at all. I can't add, spell, speak full sentences...in one word-DUH? I have major chemo brain at the moment and I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

Speaking of crying, that leads me to my next topic-CRYING! I will admit, right now I am a hot mess and even before tonight's Idol Gives Back, I had already cried 12 times today, now the count is up to at least 20 and I am not even joking. Seriously, did anyone else see the entourage of artist that sang "Stairway to Heaven" tonight? Unbelievable!

Back to the crying...I am miserable and cannot wait to get back to Dr. Brescia so I can report to him that this Tamoxifen is kicking my behind. I am crying one minute, mad as a hornet the next, then the next minute-I am fine (but am I really fine?). I am all over the place, so this has to even itself out or I will have to take something else to counter some of these side effects...I don't think I can do it, and I don't think Rhett can do it. And I am suppose to be on this stuff for the next 5 to 10 years??? My kids deserve better, my husband deserves better, and I deserve better. I want to stay "c" free of course, but there has got to be a way around all these side effects.

It's no surprise that I returned back to seeing Dr. Carter today. I haven't seen her due to scheduling conflicts and I had to get back on her books. I needed some professional perspective and FAST! I explained that it would be my biggest wish to take a year long nap right now, that I wish I could just get away and recharge my head, my heart, and my body. We both agreed that I need to minimize my calender and then prioritize what I have already "on the books". Do something healing for myself at least once a day and take at least one day a week and really spend it on resting and recovering. I am going to have to make time for me and take care of myself if I plan on taking care of everyone else. I asked her if it was nuts that I was having a much harder time now, than while I was in treatment and she said it was all very normal, that I actually have alot of insight. Everything I am feeling and going through is normal and pretty much on track-great, then why do I feel so alone? This is the stuff nobody wants to talk about and nobody really warns you about...so I will. I will talk and I will warn. All in the effort to grab at my sanity.I am that girl, I am that kind of friend that tells you- you have lipstick on your teeth. So grab at it, ask away, talk to me and I will talk back...I feel like an overstuffed pinata about to explode with questions,answers and raw emotion. I think half of what I am feeling is finally the part of what just happened, coming full circle on a year soon, but most of this trip to Crazytown is from the meds I am taking. I am sorry in advance...

Soooo, I have saved the best news for last (no really)....the brave little boy we have all been praying for all year, our dear friend's baby Chase...well, he is DONE with treatment!!! D-O-N-E folks, his scans came back good to go and he is done. Let me tell you in the midst of my own day of trying to keep things together, who hit her knees when I got that message.

Hallelujah, hallelujah...that is the kind of news that can erase my worst day.

Chuck and Christine-we love you guys and we are over the moon that Chase...BEAT IT!!!!!!!!!!

Can I get What What??

2010-04-16T06:44:00.000-07:00

As in WHAT NEXT? (All you Jay-Z fans know what that really means and that's not what I mean...) I really mean "what's next?".

Anyway, I promised to blog the reality of my life and there's never a dull moment. At present, I almost feel like I had a better grip on things while in treatment. I am having many post treatment side effects, both physically and mentally. Some days, I really have perspective and say I am only going to allow as much "aftermath" as I let in...I control how I feel and how I let things into my heart and head. Some days that is easier said than done. At times I feel like I am fighting against something that I can't see and just need to let go. From what I gather (legitimate research) all of these things I am feeling are very normal and par for the course. I guess that makes it easier...the "knowing", but I still feel alone and at times prefer it that way. Everyone has their own journey if they have been touched by this disease...this is simply mine.

I think to some people it may seem like I am dragging this thing out...trust me NOBODY wants to be done with this more than me. Alot of people are like "You did it!" "You are done!". They shake their hands off for me and say "Onto the next part of your life Leslie Moore" scoot scoot, run along now...the fact is- I feel stuck.

I have so many things to look forward to and work is very very busy...all blessings. Again, it's that deep end of the pool, I can see the surface-but I am definitely not floating on top.I am somewhere in the middle off the abyss (not at the bottom thankfully) but definetly somewhere in between.

Physically, I am still very exhausted and some post radiation pain has set in. I called Jill, Dr. Baron's lovely MA and she said it was common and the sharp shooting pain can last up to 2 years! I also have been getting more neuropathy in my hands and feet, more now that when I was doing chemo, and we won't even go there with the chemo brain....it is much worse than what it was while in treatment. Of all things, this is the most frustrating and comical.

The other hot mess I am swirling in is the freakin Tamoxifen (I was warned). Now this is a very successful drug, that will block estrogen in my body keeping me "c' free. I kinda have to take it and kinda for a looooong time. Well, I wish they would have told me it was going to turn me into Sybil!! Mood swings, depression... put it mildly. And despite the fact that I am still working out at least 4 days a week, managed to have already gained weight on it-super, fan-freakin-tastic!

Listen, I would rather be fat, krazy, and cancer free any day-so don't misunderstand. My point is I feel like CRAP pretty much all the time and I am NOT used to that. I am used to feel great all the time, I just want to yell "WHAT THE HECK???" Which is exactly what I am going to do when I see Dr. Brescia next Tuesday. I have a follow up with Dr Harper this Tuesday, Dr. Brescia next Tuesday and we haven't even thought about finishing my reconstruction. My body is nowhere near ready for any more of that.

My best bet is to stay super focused on all the many wonderful things I have in my life. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, a job I love, a future that I am super stoked about...

Overwhelmed is something I feel alot alot of the time, sometimes I just have to pull over, or step outside, or go to the bathroom and lock the door. Pray, breathe, breathe, pray...

At the end of the day I give thanks for all the good in my life and remind myself, the hard part is over...I "got" this. One day at a time getting my head around what the heck just happened to me is no easy feat. We are coming up on 1 year "anniversary moments" and it's blowing my mind what a difference a year can make. Some things are better, some things...we will just say their true colors were shown, but all in all..."Life Is Good" and "I'm Alive and Well!"

Who knows "what's next"? Who really knows anyway right?

My goal is to try and be in the moment, enjoy the here and now- for tomorrow is never promised.

Dunleavy's Pulls Out the PINK!

2010-04-10T05:01:00.000-07:00

Dunleavy's rocked out the first annual Warriors Wear PINK Benefit Thursday night! To say the least, it was a blast! It was the perfect crowd, perfect weather...I almost forgot why we were there. It would have been the best evening just being there, in my mind reliving the last scene of the movie "Cocktail"-you know the one...where they are all gathered at the Flannigan Family Irish pub, toasting to dreams, raising a glass to loving and living...that would have been us Thursday night. Many times throughout the night I had to remind myself of the reason we were all brought together. Family, friends, friends we haven't seen in years, and complete and total strangers. Then I had to remind myself NOT to cry or I wouldn't stop. Once again the gesture of people pulling together to help us has been mind blowing! As excited as I am to sit down Sunday after church to write out checks for the mound of medical bills that have been staring at us in the face...what I am most excited about is what my brain has been stirred up by. Rhett and I had already discussed that we would take at least 10 percent of what was donated for us to put towards the foundation we are creating. There are so many thoughts on the table and several projects in the works. We will be researching, learning about non profits, and of course praying for blessing and direction. Just know that this is only the seed that will go on to plant bigger and better things. It is very important for us to make this an annual event to give back to a local organization, foundation, or my favorite thought a local family in immediate need. Anyway, I told Bill (Dunleavy), that anyone who would do something like this for us is family...so, Bill and all you guys at Dunleavy's Pub...WELCOME TO THE FUNNY FARM! All I can say is that there is more love than crazy!

So, I know you all have been wondering how much we raised....here is the latest. We still have several t-shirts out there (several hundred dollars worth) that are being sold, and people have been mailing in donations that couldn't make it to the event...so this total is not including all of that. At last count though, we had $4700.00 dollars!!!!! So I know we will have at least raised $5000.00 by the end of the count! UNBELIEVABLE! Again, I can't even put my head around it or I will start crying again and dang it, I want to just keep on writing! (If you all only knew how many tears have fallen on this computer while writing this blog...).

I know I will be saying this for the rest of my life, but thank you- thank you- thank you! Thank you for everyone who came out to show us the love and to support us. Thank you to the Warriors Wear Pink Team...Dad and Dad, Bill, the entire Dunleavy's Crew, Stephanie and Brian, Ashley, Ashley and Ken, Chuck and Christine, Ed and the Guys from Not So Serious, Lorie (from driving all the way in from Wilmy), and to everyone who came and made a donation...you now own a little piece of my heart.

Again, I will say...people ask us all the time, "Did you guys not have insurance?" We have insurance, pretty good insurance at that, but unless you have been hit with a major catastrophic illness or disease, you couldn't begin to understand the financial storm that hits or its wake of aftermath it leaves. This money will go directly to pay off some of our medical debt, releasing some of the graps that cancer has held on us, so again...thank you! They say it takes a village to raise a child, I say it takes a village to get through a cancer diagnoses!

We fought the fight and will continue to fight for others all in the name of the color Pink and to find a CURE!

Of the cross...

2010-04-02T06:15:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's Easter already. It was exactly this time last year that I began to feel the lump that would forever change my life. Once you have been diagnosed with any cancer, especially something like Stage 3, you tend to measure your time differently. "Time"...I caught myself looking at my overloaded calender just the other day saying, "Pull back Lester..." Widen your lens.See that a calender is actually a gift, that time is a gift in and of itself, the events you have booked on that calender are what you make and chose to do with that time. It made me very aware of what I put on my books. Right now I have alot of work and Dr. appointments on there, my goal is to get more family time and to have the occasional BLANK day, where there is nothing written down...nothing to do, no place to go.

Other than Thanksgiving, Easter is my favorite holiday. When I think of Easter I think sweet pretty dresses for my girl, pastel polos for my boy, Easter Bunnies, my favorite jelly beans, but mostly what I think of is the time of year for rebirth. This is when Jesus died for our sins,rose from the dead and was reborn. He died for us and he also LIVED for us. Again, I don't believe it's ironic timing that His timing of "rebirth" falls on a very particular time in my life and the lives of others.

I am excited about my rebirth. I am thrilled to have a new lease on attitude. The rebirth of my body, rebirth of my mind, and rebirth of my heart. I still don't have it all figured out, ask anyone who has chatted with me a few glasses of wine in and they will tell you...I still get scared, I still am trying to balance what I know and what I want. Balance, leverage...it's hard for any woman who has a full plate. I don't know if my plate is piling up or just getting smaller, either way-I am remaking the term "multi-task". Who gave us that label anyway, they can take it back. I am interested in getting it done, just maybe not all at the same time.

Rebirth in spirit and attitude are going to be in the fore front of my mind. In a sense I feel like I am retraining my thoughts, where choosing the glass half full used to be second nature for me, these days I have to make a conscious effort to stay focused on all the good around me-in a weird way, it does make it sweeter-I am more aware.

So as you are having your picnic, going to church, searching for that golden egg over the weekend. Think about what Easter really means to you and think about how many people need a rebirth in their lives. A "do over" if you will. You may not be able to control every physical thing going on in your body, but do a mental take over on what you can change and try and see it through God's eyes. He wants you to live a happy, healthy, abundant life...it's up to you to see it that way.

God bless you all, I pray that you all have a rebirth in at least one aspect in your life.

Happy Happy Easter sweet people.

With much love and gratitude, I remain your-

Pink Warrior xo

New Season...New Attitude!

2010-03-29T17:56:00.000-07:00

This is my "I'm grateful!" smile...

Today was a beautiful day and I felt beautiful on the inside. It felt like I was smiling from the inside out. It had it's humps and bumps, but for the most part is was a smooth and good day.

I had my appointment with Dr Brescia, saw my girl Jess(hearts), lunch with Steph, afternoon with Cameron, then Lexi's dance class...all working off my blackberry because the storm we had last night BLEW my laptop-luckily she is a tough cookie and is up and purring now...hence blog blog blog, blah blah blah-:)

The Warriors Wear Pink benefit is less than 2 weeks away and I still feel like we are throwing a party for someone else...I need to get with the program so I am not an emotional hot mess on the 8th. One of my friends and mentors called me this morning "J"...I love this women and if I had a pinkie's worth of her class and smarts-I would be a lucky gal. Anyway, she called to ask if she could help spread the word on the benefit. Let's just say she is probably one of THE most well connected people in town, so for her to offer that is a big deal.I gratefully said, "Of course". Then for most of the day I got calls from people wanting to donate fabulous items for the raffle we will have at the benefit...unbelievable. I am just still being blown away...every day.

Just to give you some idea, Rhett and I sit down every 2 weeks to look at our incoming bills and then sit down once a month and write checks. We do this on Sundays, usually after church and yesterday...it took us almost 3 hours just to organize and sort what we had gotten in the mail recently. It is so overwhelming, just to even "organize"...as important and as profound as it is, I have one simple word...UGH! What a pain in the rump, then you start doing the math, then you get a headache, then a stomach ache, you get the picture...again, UGH!

Anyway, my point is...is that by doing this benefit- it will help us so much (more than you know), reclaiming our lives and getting back on track. The cloud of medical debt is a dark and heavy one, we have felt fortunate enough to pay off what we have paid off. To give you another glimse of what things cost, we are starting to get bills for radiation...try for 5 minutes worth, the tune of $4000.00 a pop (mulitply that by 28), that's not includng the weekly consultation Dr visits, etc.It's NUTS...but people are curious and I have no problem telling them the unfiltered version of this part either-why change now? Ha!

We realize that we are not owed this and really only feel comfortable having this benefit for us if we can do it again next year for another family in need. I would love for MakeOvers for Mammograms to be every February and for Warriors Wear Pink Jam to happen in October during BCA month.Plant the seed for bigger things, is what I say. In the present though, even the help we have received thus far has been nothing short of God's amazing hand directly on our lives. Yesterday in church I wrote a note to God, not asking him for a thing (mmm, usually my prayer request list is very long). I simply wanted to thank Him and give Him all the glory for all He has given us. We know there are so many families devastated by this horrible disease and sometimes they lose everything. It breaks my heart to even think of this, but it is true and it happens everyday. We are blessed to have people in our lives who would give us the shirt off their backs and let us bunk with them before they let anything like that happen to us. We are loved and protected and again...grateful.

Sorry for the ramble, due to my foggy head, my thoughts are all over the place. The main message I want to get across is that I feel God working in our lives, and I feel like I am sitting above watching all of this happen (kind of a cool perspective)....my job is to keep that energy flowing, to put out more than we receive.

So I got a thumbs up from Dr. B today, it was a follow up (post radiation) and to start me on my post treatment regime. Doing the Tamoxifen was NON-negotiable, but I really wanted to hold off on the Lupron and Zumeta, at least until June. To my surprise he AGREED! They yanked the Zumeta off the market for the time being (hmmmm,need to goggle that, because I didn't hear WHY they did...heck, I was just so excited he agreed to back off the meds, for now...) but he wants me to start the other meds now and follow up with me in 3 weeks. He said to expect more hot flashes, more mood swings, and probably some more weight gain-SUPER, I can't wait and I am sure my husband is even more excited than I am! All joking aside, I will consider taking just about anything if it will keep me "c" free.

I feel like this is the time to watch the "playback"...you know when you play a game and then the coach makes you watch a playback to see what you did, how you did it, and what you learned from it all? That's what this time feels like to me right now. I know who my "coach" is, I just hope I get the slap on the back saying "Good game!"

Mrs. Moore-what do you want to do when you finish radiation???

2010-03-22T05:14:00.000-07:00

I want to go to DISNEY WORLD!!! It's the truth, but it's also an old commercial they used to air (don't be in denial, you KNOW you remember it!) all the time!

My last week of radiation was a blur, everything was happening so fast, and preparing for our special trip...well, poof! It was gone baby gone!

I will start this post on a positive and end this post on a positive, giving you a bit of real life experience in the middle (did you think nothing less?).

We had an amazing opportunity to take a special trip to Orlando (Rhett's Dad lives there as well as here in Charleston) just the 3 of us....Momma, Daddy, and Lexi Lou. Cameron did not want to go at all and since he had his special trip snow skiing, we figured this would be a wonderful chance to travel just the 3 of us. We have never really had that one on one time with Lexi and it was the best experience. I don't know who had more fun, Lexi or the two of us watching her. I teared up just walking in the park, it may be every kids dream to go to Disney (except my Cameron's), but it's every parents dream to take them there. It was a simple trip, we drove down, took her to the Magic Kingdom Friday, Rain Forest Cafe and Downtown Disney Saturday, and then took the long way home yesterday. All in all, it was the perfect trip, thank you to all the parents who made that happen, we are so grateful! I posted a few pics here, and the rest I will put on Face book later today, we got some cute ones! Seeing Disney through the eyes of a child, particularly your child is a life changing experience we were blessed to have! Through the grace of God I was able to make it through a very long day (over 14 hours) only stopping a few times to rest and then it was off to the next adventure...all only 2 days after 28 rounds of radiation! Whoa Tonto!

A very strange thing happened to me last week. I wanted to share it with you because it may be helpful one day to someone reading this post (or helpful to someone they know, etc.) Okay, so last week I had my second appointment with Dr.C (my wonderful therapist) which is downtown. Well, I headed down in plenty of time to make it on time, however once I got down there...it was a different story. I became very confused and disoriented. The more I drove around, the more confused I got, and became so "lost" I had to pull over. I couldn't remember where I was going, so then I couldn't remember how the heck to get where I was going (duh?). I sorta knew I was downtown, but wasn't sure exactly "where" I was (I was in front of Colonial Lake the entire time-a landmark location downtown). I knew enough to pull over, I wasn't sure what was happening, reaction to meds or radiation? seizure? stroke? Do I call Rhett? 911? Drive myself to a hospital? Certainly, I passed one somewhere...it was nuts! I closed my eyes and put my head back for what I thought was a minute or two. I recall looking at the clock when I felt this "confusion" coming on....by the time I really remembered where I was supposed to be 18 minutes had gone by! Holy Cow!

Needless to say, I was still disoriented, but made it to my appointment 40 minutes late! I walked in and she was waiting on me arms and door wide open. I was pretty frazzled and just shrugged my shoulders...I didn't really have an explanation, I didn't know what the heck just happened to me! After some very deep breathing, she explained to me a bit of the cognitive effects of chemo and how they are accelerated once again after treatment. She also explained that studies have shown that looking at a person's brain who has gone through aggressive chemo and a person's brain who has dementia...mmmmm, are very similar! What the *#&@?? That most times we regain most of our functioning back, but that right now I was not firing all cylinders! In other words CHEMO BRAIN!! Wow, I had no idea. I called my sister and after telling her what happened, we were both just quite for a second and then busted out laughing. I mean really, what else could we do and it was pretty darn funny. On a serious note, I just have to be accounted for while I am out and about for a few months! It got me thinking though, my poor Granddaddy (who has Alzheimer's)...this is how he feels all of the time. I cannot imagine, once again-it gave me new perspective and I appreciate the days that I have that I am sharp and in tune (wink wink).

Well, I am done with chemo, done with radiation, I will have many follow up appointments to start a post treatment med regime...but for now-I am holding off on any more surgeries. I still have a handful in the future, but not right now...my body needs a rest and my mind needs to catch up.

I have had so many prayers being lifted up for many of my friends and "Pink" sisters having their surgeries. I have touched base with them all and they seem to be resting and recovering. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my life and what the past 10 months have meant to me, both good and bad (mostly good). My job now is to focus on looking ahead and now getting a grip on staying healthy, finding the "new normal" in my life and my families life. My short term goals are to slow down my schedule, be in the moment, and pick and chose what I try to control (who needs all that anyway...control is OVERRATED!).

My plan is to continue this blog until we hit the year mark...coming up on June 1st. Then I would like to convert this blog into a book, at least for my keeping.

Who knows what the next chapter in my life will hold...eyes, mind, and heart are wide open...ready to see what God has in store for me and my family!

If My Heart Had Wings...

2010-03-15T15:08:00.000-07:00

...it would fly and paint the sky PINK!

Has it been almost a week since I have blogged here? Time flies when you are having fun...and when you are in radiation. The weeks just zoom, wish chemo had gone this fast. Anywho...2 more rounds and I am DONE. It just so happens to end on St. Patrick's Day, soooo, we will be celebrating with a green beer (or 2) at Buffalo Wild Wings if anyone wants to join us! Whomp, there it is...

Met with the lovely Dr. Jennings last Thursday. Thank you for all the calls, many of you wanted to know what he said and I apologize for being in the slow lane on the information highway (I was really in the fast lane which is why I couldn't write)...anyway, he was most informative and it basically came down to this. He would NOT recommend a hysterectomy at this moment. In a nut shell there are 2 camps of meds to go on after one finishes treatment (1) pre-menopausal, or (2) post-menopausal. By age I am considered the first, but because my course of treatment, my body is more than likely in the latter camp. Of course we want to be sure, so blood work and test are being done to be confirmed on this as we speak. In the meantime, he suggest that I definitely do the Tamoxifen(start NOW), but hold off on the Lupron/Zumeta at least until June. He wants to see where my blood work is to confirm what camp I am in. Once I fall into Camp B (post meno), I would take another type of drug (although, it would have the same effect). It all comes down to shutting down any estrogen made in my body, since the cancer I had was estrogen driven.

I said to him, "What would want you to say YES to a hysterectomy?" He said if I had tested positive for the brca gene or if I had the "r" word...which I can't or won't even say. He also said, that the drugs do their work and that there are other benefits to keeping them(ovaries) at this point. Having had breast cancer doubles my odds for ovarian cancer (bringing it to a whopping 2 %), that my body had been through enough for the time being...AMEN. We will be meeting and getting blood work done every 3 months and can decide differently on surgery if we need to...right now, it is one this I don't need to put on my calender...another AMEN!

Many of you know about this, but in case you don't...we are having our first

WARRIORS WEAR PINK JAM!!

I am so excited! Many people are working their fanny's off to host a benefit for us! All the money raised will be going to help us pay down our mountain of medical debt (I mean we call it Cancerminjaro around here)...the goal is to do this every year, next year we will pick another family or organization to raise money for. Maybe by then Warriors Wear Pink might even be it's own foundation...mmmm! All in all, it's most important that we continue to pay it forward one way or another. Our intentions are that blessings come and go full circle.

Anyway, we hope if you are around you can make it...it's going to be a BLAST!

April 8th, 2010

5-10pm

Dunleavy's Pub on Sullivan's Island

You can also go onto Facebook and become a fan and get all the details!

We are so excited and grateful...it's beyond words. It goes to show the kind of amazing support we have had...a HUGE shout out to many people especially-Mr. Dunleavy, Ed and the

Not So Serious Band, and Matt with Trick Knee!

I will be thanking people for the rest of my life I am sure...

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

It takes many soldiers to fight in the war against cancer and I am winning the battle because of people like YOU. People who didn't think twice about gearing up in PINK, right along with me. Speaking of pink...did you know that the color light pink means breast cancer and that you are fighting breast cancer? Dark pink or fuchsia means that you are a survivor of breast cancer?

If you are looking for me...I will be the one at the party with the DARK pink dress ON!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Mommy Needs Therapy!

2010-03-10T17:26:00.000-08:00

AND a bottle of wine...

(Image by Kristine of www.mommyneedstherapy.blogspot.com) preferably white, a good Pinot Grigio or bubbly Presseco please.

Wellllll, today was the first day I met with my wonderful Therapist. I didn't go in with any expectation, but already came out learning a few things. Listen, I look at it this way...by going to therapy, not only can I help myself- but I can use some of what I learn to help others. It only makes sense, I have been spending so much time treating my body, that it's time I treat my mind.

I have learned that I am high functioning (toot toot) and that my faith, attitude and coping skills have gotten me this far. From what I understand, the first string of people start breaking down during the diagnoses stage....I made it 3/4 of the way through treatment!! I wouldn't call it a breakdown, more like an unraveling.

I learned that like a drug addict, my entire body and all it's systems have been in a chemical state of stress, exhaustion (which is different than fatigue), and shock. Just like a junkie needs more...I need more "skills" to cope as I get further into treatment. The chemicals that have been put into my body alter more than just my physical body, it alters my brain and the way I think and cope.What might have worked for me at the beginning, might not work for me now. Just to get through.

From my understanding, I haven't even peaked yet in my exhaustion or my depression. It's complicated for people to understand....one, unless you have been through surgery/chemo/radiation, there is no way possible for one to understand what I mean by tired. Normal fatigue is very different from what they call a chemically induced fatigue, and apparently I don't even know yet! I think I'm tired now! My understanding is that exhaustion from radiation is cumulative and that I won't even feel the full effects from radiation until after I complete radiation (5 more rounds, but who's counting). It can come on like a freight train or creep in slow and steamroll you. In general, it last about 6 to 8 weeks and this is when depression also peaks. The depression sneaks in because your body and mind are too tired to cope...both are tapped out.Plus you are technically "done" with actively fighting so, you are thinking "NOW WHAT?" It's go go go for months, to poof, all of a sudden...no Drs. visits on the calender (for a while at least)...I mean I average 2 to 3 a week on top of going to radiation every day.

Exhaustion, depression, and anxiety are all different things, but can swirl together making the worst ice cream cone ever.

The good news is that I recognized all the signs, and that I have done a good job pre-gaming for the Emotional Superbowl. Since I caught it before "peak", I can make a plan and develop new skills in order to get me through what is supposed to be the toughest time.

It's interesting, that in a time where everyone is saying, "Don't lose it now, you are almost done!"...I am yelling, "Don't put your pom poms away yet...this is when I am going to need you the most!".The flowers stopped a long time ago, the cards have slowed way down, people see my hair growing back and they think I must be JUST FINE.This is when the going get tough, the tough...get a therapist! Like she said, you can't build a house with just a hammer, you need more than one tool. I have served myself well, it's time to let someone else help me make a plan.

I have also learned that while the Drs. tell you that it will be one hell of a year in your life...they are talking specifically about treatment (surgery, chemo, radiation)...what they don't tell you is that you need an additional year to feel somewhat normal. You might see glimpses of "yourself", but that it takes a good part of a year to rid your body and mind of chemicals you've been putting in it. Well, that explains alot of what I have been griping about, which explains my frustration, which explains my anxiety...I have been expecting too much, waaaaaay too soon. My goodness, I am not even done with radiation yet-what was I thinking? The goal is to get me through the next 3 months for sure...we will deal with future surgeries when we get there.

Cross that bridge....when we can, one step at a time.

Speaking of surgery...we meet with Dr. Jennings tomorrow. I have heard wonderful things and I am looking forward to what he has to say, we will keep you posted.

Tomorrow is my beloved's birthday...Happy Birthday sweet Rhett. I apologize for an ordinary day for an extra-ordinary guy, but I promise I will make it up to you in Orlando next week. We will be happy, share joy, and celebrate just being together and being away from all of thissssss, even for just 3 days. We need it and I am so looking forward to our little getaway! I will be a better person because of this and we will be an even better couple...we shall overcome.

I love you to the moon and back.

It Takes Two To Make a Thing Go Riiiight....

2010-03-06T17:22:00.000-08:00

It takes two to make it outa sight...stick with me Rob Base. Great, now that song will be in my head for the rest of the night. It makes me smile, because it reminds me of my sweet husband anyway...we used to listen to that Joy and Pain album back in the day buffet middle school, with Dougie O' Donald Fresh.

More like it takes 2 more...Drs that is. This coming week, I will be adding yet 2 more Drs to the hometeam, bringing the total to 6! I will be adding Dr. Scott Jennings (ob-gyn oncologist) and Dr. Cindy Carter (many titles, but mainly I will be adorning her office for some quality couch therapy) more on that one later.

Even before meeting with Dr. Jennings on Thursday, I have made up my mind to have a hysterectomy, at least to have my ovaries OUT. I have researched this and thought and prayed alot about this...I feel the same way I felt when I didn't even blink to take my "c" free breast off, it wasn't even a second thought. My feeling is that why spend so many years chemically shutting my ovaries down, when I can just have them removed. Don't just shut the factory down, take the factory OUT! I will get into more detail breaking it down after I meet with Dr. J...but that's the heart of the matter on that.

Onto the mind of the matter...I promised never to sugar coat anything with any amount of "booshont" throughout any of this and this is what's its come down to...I need a shrink! No seriously...I have hit my wall. Though I have massive amounts of will and determination, I can recognize when certain things are not right. I know myself really well, after all it's what led me to even get diagnosed. I can sense when the slightest thing is off both physically and mentally, which is a blessing and a curse. Anyway, while I have no dangerous thoughts, I believe it's time I spoke with someone. That someone is a special someone...she herself is a breast cancer survivor and has helped hundreds of woman. She is also in charge of our local Dragon Boat Team...rock on!! It simply comes down to me being too exhausted to have any coping skills left, beyond prayer, I need some guidance from someone who has been down this road before (or at least a similar road) who can help get me to the surface. I would say right now honestly, I am a functioning depressed person.I love life and I know I am blessed, but it feels like I have goggles on right now. I can't seem to see as clearly and I am overwhelmed. I feel I have been in the moment every day of my life to this point and I suppose I would take the pain and risk feeling something, than to not feel anything.

I am writing about this, not to be judged (at this point I am too tired to care anyway) but because I want anyone who is going through a rough patch (for whatever reason) to NOT be ashamed of reaching out for help. Sometimes you just need outside perspective. When I look back on the past 9 months, I can't believe it's taken me this long to get to this point.

Color me Badd and call me krazy...but as Diana Ross would say, "I Comin Up...I'm Coming!!!"

Happiness is Healing...

2010-03-02T06:04:00.000-08:00

No really, it is. As is stress is a killer, just ask a heart attack! Last week, I could feel my butt in my throat and it wasn't pleasant. I had a similar feeling of that when I was first diagnosed. Thankfully this week has started off much better. Just like there are times when you can't control your body, there are times when you need to let the mind go where it needs to go (just as long as nobody gets hurt-ha) and just see were your thoughts land. It got me thinking of the poor people that suffer from depression ALL the time. I would say, mine was a mixture of being so exhausted that your coping skills are shot, then the anxiety and depression follow. If you are not careful, it creeps in and will suck you down...simply put, overwhelmed to the max!

I took a break from returning any calls from any Drs. and just concentrated on showing up everyday for radiation...like Dr. Harper said, the rest of the stuff can wait until next week. I am half way done with radiation, still 3 weeks to go. Starting to get a bit tender and sore in the areas they are cross radiating and at times my voice is shot (they are getting a portion of my throat because it is close to the lympnode areas)...thank goodness I am not singing any longer-not sure how that would have worked out. Songbird, I'm thinking NOT, more like croaking pelican.

I got to see my "chemo cowgirls" yesterday. Deb is out of the saddle and Jess is 2 treatments away from being finito herself-yeah! It was the first time I had been back since finishing my own treatment, while it was so good seeing everyone, I was thankful to be just a visitor. I saw some old faces and new faces, but I no longer felt like I belonged-which all my life has been an issue. This time, I was eternally grateful to not be in the "club". At least not the chemo club...

My life has turned up a notch, so my focus is going to be on keeping a slower and steadier pace. Not to push too hard, too fast. Yesterday was a wonderful day, but it was too much. It was a normal day I would have had before all of this and it was a quick reminder of the pace I cannot return too.I am trying to be selective and at times make decisions that will be best for my recovery in the long haul.Even if that means giving up some things on the calender. I noticed the other day "this" had been going on for 9 months already, 9 months yesterday in fact... I could have had a freakin baby in that time, but instead had something else. I guess my thought is when the word came down the pipe about what was in store for me, I envisioned resting, recovering, being still long enough to get what God was putting down. Now I realize that it comes is small doses along the way, but the real secret is to remain in a place where you will always be open for guidance and direction...even after the dust settles.

I have many great things to look forward to. We have tried to schedule at least 1 thing a month with our family to really live our lives...it gives me something to focus on, on the not so good days. It is also a reminder that while we are still immersed in cancerland, life all around you still goes on...and you must chose to stay on the merry-go round-even if it is going at a much slower pace.

Gold, Silver, or Bronze?

2010-02-26T05:47:00.000-08:00

In watching the Olympics and after the week I have had...I wonder what event I would place in and what medal I would score...let's see, there is:

Downhill (Breakdown) Event...GOLD!

Short Program (Exhaustion Event)...GOLD!

Half Pipe (Half crazy and full of twist and turns)...GOLD!

Ariel (in honor of Speedy, I can do the "Hurricane" better than he can)...GOLD!

I would say, I brought home the Gold this week...Go Team USA! In all seriousness, I found it hard to even go to my blog this week because it was so rough, much less write anything. I logged on at least ten times and simply stared at the screen. I wanted to write about the rawness of how difficult things have been for me this week, but wanted to be in a better place before I wrote...in honor not to scare the poop out of anyone.

I would never do anything stupid, but I honestly thought of putting my foot to the pedal and getting out of dodge...for a while. I have had "moments", but for many reasons I finally was brought to my knees this week. It was a similair feeling to what I had when I first was diognosed, can't breath, head swimming, etc.The overwhelming decisions I am facing on what's next (I don't know what I am having for dinner, much less if I want to keep my ovaries or not) and the fast and steady pace of all my Dr's appointments have finally taken a toll. My body and mind feel just short of giving out. Simply put...I need a break! My mind needs a vacation and my body a detox. Despite all my efforts, I can still feel chemical in my body and it's frustrating to say the least.

I try with all my might to stay up and positive, but honestly I don't even have the energy to find that right now...I have been riding the reality wave, being in the moment and what you see is what you get. This week, it just happens to be a white hot mess. There it is folks, Lester was a mess this week and guess what? I am allowed! I am surprised it took me this long...9 months in. I realize I still have so much to be grateful for, that I am still very blessed. I don't know how this can happen, but when you are swimming in a moment of despair, you can still see all the good things on top, you just have trouble finding your way back to the top. It's like being in a deep pool and you are slowly sinking to the bottom, but can still see what's going on above. I can see what I need to pull up for, but it's a challenge. My Doctors and Nurses have been helpful, and agree somehow I need to slow down (hello, have they been to my house?)...I have always said, when you get up in the mornings- you have 2 choices...have a good day or have a great day. I made myself a promise to struggle my way back to the top (and to get OUT of the pool) and create a better day for myself. We will work on next week, when we get to next week. One day at a time.

I heard the sweetess song the other day by LeAnn Womack...it's called "There is a God", boy was it a tear jerker. It was a pull your car over, listen to the words, and let the meaning sink in. I will try and post a link so you can listen to it, but sometimes eblogger will pull it if they think I am making money off of it (which I am not)...I will try anyway. If not, it's worth youtubing it.

God bless you all, it hasn't been a bad week for everyone. God has answered many prayers this week, He will get to mine...right now there were just a few more people ahead in the line. I will keep praying and keep waiting. Until next time, I will just keep the swim up to the surface!

I'm On My Way, I'm On My Way.....

2010-02-21T15:32:00.000-08:00

Home sweet home..(in honor of Bret Michaels and Poison-yeah baby!). Closer to getting back to myself...slowly but surely we are heading in the right direction with coloring my hair. Pardon my infamous self taking picture in the drivers seat...sorry, that was the best I could do in that moment .

It may not seem like a big deal and I don't think I was expecting it to be such a big deal (heck, I was happy just to have enough hair to actually color)...but I was pretty emotional when it came down to it. I mean heck- 3 weeks ago, I was still wearing a scarf! Then I had all that lovely gray (grey?) hair! It wasn't bad, but it isn't me... ya know? I'm not sure if this is accurate or not, but from what I have read and researched...the gray wasn't permanent anyway, it was simply my new hair growth reacting to the chemicals (chemo) still left in my body-which explain several other things, but that's a different post.

Anyway, my girls hooked me up Thursday with a facial/massage with Billie and then Friday a hair appointment with Steph. I was so excited because I haven't really had the opportunity to take care of myself like that in a while (the massage I had with 35 other people in the room didn't really count). Billie treated me with the most unbelievable facial EVER, and not to sound stupid, but I almost left in tears. I was overwhelmed with that much personal attention. It was an hour and a half of pure bliss. She needed a guinea pig for this new treatment line and was sweet enough to think of me. God bless her, my face and heart had a glow!

Then it was off Friday to get my hair did...in the back of my mind I was wondering if the color would even "take" at all...I mean, it was really gray and coloring over hair that is still riding the chemo wave is unpredictable at best. Well, 3 shades in, we got pretty darn close to what I was before. I was in a little disbelief, it has been so long since I have seen "that" girl in the mirror, even if she did have a short little pixie cut-it was a glimpse of ME! I was overwhelmed (again) and started tearing up, so I had to bolt out of there. I was caught off guard by such a simple measure of getting my hair "did". It felt wonderful to start reclaiming my life back, thank you S. for helping bring a sista back-it meant the world to me.

Okay, I am keeping this post on the shorter side, tomorrow I meet with Dr. Baron to pick his brain about helping me make some big decisions...I pray for guidance to ask the right questions, clarity to absorb the answers, and direction to point me towards the right path. I am also saying extra prayers for our friends Chuck and Christine... Mr. Chase has major surgery to remove what is left of a tumor (1 of 3 remaining) and it is very involved. Chase,may God keep your parents strong and keep you restful and recovering as soon as possible...keep fighting Champ!

For those of you affected and fighting this "c" word, keep your chin up and keep fighting. I will leave you with this...

"Pain is Temporary...Glory is Forever"

Hmmm???

2010-02-17T05:09:00.000-08:00

Well I think part of the stress from last week was wondering what to do, about alot of things. I have found that while I have the best team on the East Coast, there are 2 things that come to mind...(1) none of them have actually done the treatment I have done or have taken the meds (chemicals) they are suggesting. (2) While they are masters in their field and I do feel they get a glimse of the overall picture (ahhh, group hug)...it is ultimately up to me to make decisions. With surgery, chemo, and even radiation, there is little "wiggle room"...you know your odds if you do these things, you know your odds if you don't. So, you SHOW UP! Do your thing, fight the fight, and pick up the pieces when you complete each phase. The "after party" is somewhat different. The Docs are thoughtful, but quick to tell you the drugs that have worked for years and why they work and why you need to take them....for up to 10 years! Yikes. Which leads me to many questions...what is the benefit to taking these drugs vs. having a partial or full hysterectomy? After a double matectomy, brutal chemo, and radiation...is my body even strong enough to handle another surgery right now? I was told at the very beginning that would and should be an option giving the link between the cancers..."sister cancers" is what they call them (not representative of the kind of sister I have, thank you very much). Then there are the short term side effects? Long term side effects? Would I have to start asap or can I give my body the slightest break from all this junk? I mean, when I think of what the past 9 months have been like- I often think, "What in the world has happened to me and my body???" I just want to give my body a chance to regroup before we launch into another "phase" or can I afford that luxury? All of these thoughts weigh heavily on my mind, I want to make the right decision. The ultimate goal chosing the path that will put me at lowest risk for recurrence with the best quality of life...believe it or not sometimes they do not go hand in hand.

I was told yesterday that I should be very catious about getting any sun from here on out, that melanoma is an aggressive cancer, but that monster has 2 heads if you have already had cancer-great! Although I am now dilegent about slathering on sunscreen, I LOVE the sun and the beach...I guess now, I will be the chic in the bathing suit that covers most parts (especially the fun bags where I am currently being radiated) and also under the umbrella, ella, ella...

It could be worse, thank goodness for a little bit of self tanner...

With all that being said, I need to take and post a picture soon. My hair is growing back, very thick and full, and WHITE!!! Any doubts that I had I was going to be blonde are nixed...it is a mixture of white, gray, and black...very strange. However, there was a moment Monday that almost had me in tears. I was checking out of Publix and the cashier looked up and said, "I wish I was brave enough to wear my hair like!" Gulp...I din't know whether to laugh or cry. I just said "Thank you" it was courtesy of my oncologist. Turns out that her mother died this past March of melanoma and she herself was a survivor of Thyroid cancer! She came around and gave me a big hug (I feel bad I didn't even get her name). Anyway, I get this alot. People still are stopping me sharing their stories, I don't mind. I feel like it's part of my journey. Remember the post office guy I told you about a while back? His mother is currently in radiation as well, and the other day he came RUNNING out yelling, "My Mom wants to know if you have a metallic taste in your mouth from radiation yet?" Half of Belle Hall shopping center turned around, but I just shook my head and said, "Nope, not yet."

So, when people ask me what's up next with me...have I made my decisions yet? I just shake my head and go, "Nope, not yet!" For now, it will have to do...

Finally...

2010-02-15T05:29:00.000-08:00

Holy Blogging Batman...I finally got a connection! We had trouble with our server last week and it was hit or miss getting on. I was able to get on midweek and tried to blog, as soon as I hit "publish" it went blank (love when that happens). Actually it probably was a blessing, I was not having the best day and well, let's say I was "venting"! As I have said before- writing is free therapy for me and I got in a good cry and felt much better afterwards, even though it wouldn't post. I took that as a sign and decided not to recap too much, apparently it was some business between me and the Big Guy.

I hope everyone had a good week. It was my first week of radiation, which so far has been uneventful and fast (it takes me longer to undress than to get treatment). I will take my 28 days (I am due to finish on dear St Patty's Day March 17th!)...someone in there is due to endure 44 days-ugh! I can tell you that I am mainly exhausted and having to be somewhere everyday at 1:15 is tolling...but it still beats chemo anyday. I am turning slightly pink and there is a slight tingle where they are radiating, and oddly enough I am developing a sore throat (they are radiating one side of my neck)...all effects from radiation. I imagine the further we get into this, a few more side effects will pop in and out, and I will become more tired. Here is a typical day for me:

6:00am-Get up, get the kids ready and off for school

8:00am-Work a few hours in the office,on the computer, blogs, etc.

11:00am-Get workout in

12:00pm-Shower/Get ready/Drive to East Cooper

1:15pm-Radiation

2:00pm-Pick up my Cam

Then by the time I get home, I am WIPED out. Dinner, bathtime, bedtime and I am TOAST. Usually in bed between 7:30 and 8pm. It is a good night if I make it up to American Idol!

Onlocation work is scheduled on Fridays and Saturdays for the month of February...

My 2 highlights from last week, were talking with the CSU's women's basketball team (they ROCK) and our 6 inches of unexpected SNOW Friday night. Rhett and I stayed up all night and watched the huge snowflakes fall, it was really beautiful.

I think Lexi and I had a touch of a tummy bug, so we layed low all weekend. We spent pretty much the entire weekend reading, watching TV & movies, snugged up on the couch or in the bed. It was heavenly and just what the Dr. ordered. I will post a few pics of the snow we got...I think we got more than they did on the ski trip they took a few weeks ago!

On a different and final note for today...last week was challenging in many ways. My hormones were all over the place, and the stress of making decisions on medications I will be taking long term were weighing on me. I will elaborate later, but just know that while it may seem that my journey is coming to an end, it really never comes to an end. You just enter a different phase.Some phases are more challenging than others, but you still have to live life as the"new normal", that's the best way to describe it. Finding your "new normal" is a journey in and of it's self. You are so busy fighting the physical fight of breast cancer, that once things appear to be "coming to an end", you realize that they are not, that there are huge decisions to be made, and the realization of what the heck just happened to me, starts to sink in...

I pray this week will be a better week for me and many others I spoke with ...it was a tough one for many. I will continue to count our many blessings and try my best to look up for answers to the tough questions. Have a good start to your week and we will check in with you in a few...xo

The PINK Ladies Rock!

2010-02-08T05:06:00.000-08:00

Margaret, Laura, Elizabeth, Kelly, Pam, Steph, Moms, Ashley,Jules and everyone who booked an appointment and made a contribution...Thank You doesn't even come close.I am SO proud to know these women...the "Pink" Ladies who helped pull this event together ROCKED the Charleston Breast Center this past Saturday! We held our Make Overs for Mammograms Fundraiser event and raise $2100.00!!!! Whahooooo!

It was a busy, but fabulous day spent with amazing ladies, raising money and awareness for an amazing cause! Our books were full and our kits were loaded...we were ready to help stomp out breast cancer one make over at a time. I enjoyed my day so much! I got to see my girl Deb and meet her sweet little "big" girl Caroline...in fact most of our kids stopped by on our break and got to snag a cupcake (or two) and see what we had been working so hard on all week. Dr. Paul and Dr. Lisa were there for most of the afternoon and we loved having them hang out, they even brought their kids to the event...it was a heartfelt kind of day and we all left feeling a little guilty, because who knew doing such a good thing included having that much fun? I have included a few photos that Jules took during the event, I will try and post more later...there were so many good ones, but I could only post 5. People are already asking when the next one is....makes me smile!

Friday came and went...I will spare you the details (trust me on this on), but I can say this dang port is O-U-T out and I am officially prepped and ready for radiation...which starts in about 4 hours. I will go in at 12:45 today, but from here on out, every day for 28 days, I will go in at 1:15pm. I should finish March 17th...St Patrick's Day! I am not so worried (in this very second)...the main thing on my mind this morning was,"Gee, I wonder if doing radiation will take away my taste for coffee?" Forgive me, but I like my one cup in the morning and it's kind of a ritual at this point (don't take that away from me right?)...

Well, I just got off the phone with Dr. Brescia himself-he had wanted to see me today to check on how I was doing with radiation, sooo considering I am starting today, we pushed it back to next week. He threw in there that he wanted to give me my first Lupron dose, which if I recall makes you feel like you have been kicked in the butt my a donkey and have flu like symptoms for a couple of days...from there on out, the side effects should be minimal, it's just the first time around. Super, sign me up!

So when I check in today for radiation, they give you a scanner card (like a Bi-Lo Bonus Card), and of course being the smart arse I am, I asked if I get any gas points or frequent flyer points. It wasn't the first time a Dr. or Nurse looked at me like I had 4 heads...JOKING people, I was joking.Anytime I can find a hole for humor, I will try...it gets me through.

I have to end this on a serious note... to my surprise doing the event this past weekend really was therapy for me. You see, there was a time that I could not even pull into that parking lot or enter that building without throwing up. As much as I adore Dr. Barron, my heart sunk every time I even knew I had to enter that place, fearful of receiving any more bad news. It meant so much to me that I could not only feel comfortable in the building, but I felt at home and helpful in a place that once reminded me of something so dark and horrific. I am blessed to have had this turn around for me... an unexpected gift.

Thank you all who came out again this past Saturday, thank you for giving your talent, your time, and a little piece of your heart.

God bless you all!

The Sun is shining,at least outside....

2010-02-03T12:18:00.001-08:00

Inside I am heartbroken, but am still reminded of why my family and I are so blessed.
In the past 24 hours I have heard 2 pieces of news that are just plain sad. One -a very sweet classmate of mine and Rhett's from high school passed away unexpectedly-leaving behind a young young family. Very sad, we had not been in touch with him as much, but his sweet and thoughtful sister had been checking on me throughout my journey-what a sudden loss and a sad time. Another dear friend of mine's father was just diagnosed with Prostate cancer, sigh. Another life and family touched by this...although,there should be another word. "Touched" sounds, positive, beneficial, almost delicate...cancer is none of the above. My prayer is simple for both of these sweet families...may they know who has the answers and holds the plan, and that they know HE always has your best interest at heart. May they feel His presence and be lifted by His power.

I started off not having the best day, but was quickly checked. I don't have to bury my brother today, I don't have to listen to the pathology report of my father's cancer diagnoses. I have alot to be grateful for and I realize this...everyday I am reminded not matter what is going on around me, I am blessed.
I got the news today I will have my radiation runthrough on Friday afternoon, after my port removal (busy day indeed)...I tried not to panic about the fact that radiation will start on Monday. People have said, "You will be fine, it's no big deal". I won't say what my "thought bubble" says back to them. The fact is, I'm sure I will be fine, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be scared. Just because chemo trumps surgery and I am sure chemo will trump this "laser tan" ...doesn't mean I don't have my doubts. There is no question I have to do this part, I just don't have to be excited about it! There, I said it...
Going everyday, time will fly and of course I will be counting down the days (don't worry, I will not be posting the number every day on facebook and boring us all to tears).
I have so many fun things planned ahead, that is my goal...to stay focused on all the good stuff that remains ahead of me.
I have been in deep thought lately about what's to come (emotionally), it's a bag of trick you see-the stopping of the merry go round. However, that post is for another day, not today.

I just wanted to say without doubt how grateful and blessed I am and remain. Through the love and support of people like you and through the grace of our precious Father...in the words of Mr. Marley himself...everything's gonna be alright.

"Saved by the....Weekend"!

2010-01-31T16:05:00.000-08:00

Psyche! Not me...the photo above is my "look a like" picture that my friend Geoff picked for my FB profile page. I thought it would be fun to post what I sorta used to look like!

Soooo, had a fantastic weekend AWAY. It was a balmy 21 degrees in Wilmington and it rained ALL day Saturday, but my girls and I still had a fabu time. We went a little pub hopping (well Wild Wing and then a very tres chic pub), it was as cool and hip as a pub in Wily-Town could ever be. The we spent the next day chillaxin', followed by an awesome dinner and martinis at

Bonefish Grill-YUMMA!

I returned home to 2 excited kiddos and 1 happy husband! We hung out for a while, then after I put them down for a little "rest" as Cameron would say, I scooted off to my oncology massage appointment! I signed up to be a "model" (via a friend of Lorie's) for a training seminar in oncology massage-it was very....interesting. I was just so grateful for the healing touch and the massage was actually very nice, more relaxing than relief (usually I leave a massage sore), but there is a new normal now and we had to go gentle. I am learning new ways to be more gentle(gentler ?) on my body and I think it's grateful. The only odd thing about today was that there were at least 25 people in the same room (mostly half naked, but still respectfully so), and you could have heard a pin drop. It was very surreal, but again-I think they are onto a great thing, and I was so grateful for the hands on!

We are a little under a week out from doing our Make Over for Mammograms Event and I am so excited! We are almost fully booked! I can't wait to spend the day doing what I love, with the people I love, supporting a cause that I love... The Charleston Breast Center-whoot whoot. I learned that 1 single mammogram for a person uninsured is $300.00, so with a goal of at least $2100.00 that's 7 mammograms! That's 7 lives that can potentially be saved through early detection! So excited and I can't wait to write about how the day (February 6th) goes!

That's it, nothing too "heavy" to report...just a nice weekend away from cancerland.

Hope everyone has a marvelous Monday...check in with ya in a few...xoxoxo

"Wonderful" Wednesday

2010-01-27T17:22:00.000-08:00

I guess every Wednesday from here on out will forever be Warrior Wednesday, but in honor of NO treatment this week...we will call it Wonderful Wednesday!

Today a few wonderful things happened, but in the same breath- nothing too out of the ordinary, which is what made it extraordinary!

It started off very early getting the kids up and off to school. Today was a big day for my sweet Cameron, he got Student of the Month back in November and today was the award ceremony at school.

. Okay, for those of you who don't know...Cameron has a few "social" issues and one of them is that he does NOT do well in crowds, in front of people, and does not-repeat DOES NOT like people clapping for him. It overwhelms him in many ways, we just do our best to prepare him and help him cope. You can imagine how stressed out he was at the thought of having the Principal call out your name, standing up in front of at least 100 people, walking up onto the stage, shaking hands with the Principal, accepting your award, and then standing there while everyone takes your picture....heck, that makes alot of people nervous. Cameron's teachers told him what was going to happen and we ALL practiced for an entire week, walking across that stage and every day for a week-he told me how scared he was. Rhett and I did alot of praying, that once the pressure was on- he would look at us and remember what we told him, "That we were so proud of him, this was a great thing, and not to be scared-we were right there on the front row!" Well, he did fantastic this morning! He was in fact very nervous. When he came in, he saw us and smiled. Once they called his name it was like slow motion...he got up and his fabulous resource teacher took his hand and lead him in the right direction towards the stage-Cam then took over and did exactly what he was supposed to do. I don't know who was more proud...us or HIM! I was a total ding dong and teared up(and cried all the way home), not really at the fact of him being Student of the Month-but at how he overcame his fear. He was so brave. It got me thinking of the meaning of "brave": a quality of spirit that enables you to face danger and/or pain without showing fear. What a lesson my Cameron taught me today. Everyday I face new challenges and sometimes I am afraid. Even through prayer and knowing better, I'm only human and would be lying through my teeth if I said I never got scared. With chemo behind me,I feel relief...but as I was getting "marked up" yesterday of what and where I was to get radiation-I was totally scared. I had many thoughts running through my mind, but kept saying over and over in my head, "If I can get through chemo, I can get through this". Again, alot of it is the unknown.

Next time, I need to think of my sweet boy and remember what it took for him to do something he was so afraid of, and do the same. Take a deep breath, trust in what I know is true (that the people around me love me and believe in me), take a leap of faith and just GO FOR IT.

Such a simple lesson we take for granted, given to me by my 5 year old.

Another wonderful thing that happened today, was that I got to have a wonderful conversation with my friend Deb (yep, my pal from chemo)-it was so nice chatting "sober" and she is as lovely as that smile of hers I would see every Monday. Although every situation is different and every journey personal, being diagnosed bonds you, and enduring treatment together...well, that is a special bond all of it's own.

There are many things to think about and monitor during radiation. Although the side effects don't come close to those of chemo, it is still a very delicate process and alot can go wrong. I will remain optimistic that everything will be fine. I will show up everyday for 25 days with a smile and a brave face...all for my Cameron.

Mommy loves you sweet boy and today you made me very proud.

I am forever blessed to be your Momma.

Where's Waldo???

2010-01-25T05:38:00.000-08:00

NOT AT CHEMO... I can tell you that!

Today- I have felt so much better, could the chemo slowly, but surely be leaving my body? Or I am just dreaming that? I got up, took Cameron to school and hit the gym, I mean "hit" it as hard as I could. My body is so weak right now and oddly enough my balance is still very off (side effect from chemo), so I am starting back with as much gusto as I can! I pray that I don't get too side tracked by radiation, but at least I am trying. I have reclaimed my body enough times, that I hope and will depend it recognizes the wake up call!

This weekend went by so fast...my boys were off on their ski trip (thank you Mimi), Rhett loves snowboarding and is really good at it. I was just glad he got a much needed break(without breaking anything) and got a chance to miss me! I sure missed my boys.

Lou and I were back here holding the fort down...movies Friday, I worked Saturday, then we had Miss Caroline's Glam Party, then a ride out to the beach on Sunday! Once the boys got back we ALL took a 3 hour nap and then Big Poppa(shout out to The Wives of the ATL-hahaha) and I had a hot date...yummy Carrabba's!

This week is busy...I have a CT Scan tomorrow, which makes me nervous (always will from here on out), this is to line up my plan for radiation. Please say a prayer that all looks great. Wednesday we have Cameron's Award Ceremony for being Student of the Month, Thursday I get to see the parents(Judy and Craig) of my oldest friend Elise, so excited, then it's off to hear Blake (WHO GOT ACCEPTED INTO COLUMBIA COLLEGE- CHICAGO BTY...) "sing" his thesis. Then it's off to Wilmington for the weekend, to get away.

Whew, I will make an effort to pace myself as always, the limits with my body are always there to remind me if I forget.

All in all, a somewhat normal week...my hair continues to grow. It will be interesting to see what the heck it does once chemo leaves my body, especially during radiation. My plan is to give it until February and if it's long enough, go back to my beloved Auburn-whoot whoot!

Hope you all have a fantastic week, God bless you, and I will check in on Wednesday!

P.S. These are sweet pics of my girl getting her make up done...that child has more energy than I have EVER seen. I could have gone on the ski trip, done the black diamond slopes, and come home less tired. She is my non stop tornado of a child and has a mind and will all of her own....LAWD!

FINAL Knockout goes to.....

2010-01-20T12:45:00.000-08:00

WARRIOR! Yeehaawwwwww baby!

16 rounds later and as Elton (John) would say,

"I'm still standing..."-that's actually a good song with great lyrics,might have to add that one to the blog play list.

Anywho-I am rejoicing in the fact that I am done with chemo, but as per course-my third day side effects have kicked in. It hits me like a wall every time, same time on Wednesdays and will last until roughly until the weekend, the effects slowly slithering away like the poisonous snake it is. No more chemo rocks, but Elvis has still not left the building.The good news...next week, NO MORE! Whahoo!

Monday was very bittersweet as I expected, but I finished strong (I only cried twice) and was the last one to leave and "turn off the lights", it seemed appropriate. My girls (Jess and Deb) were there with cards and flowers. Margaret popped in to give me a hug, Steph left me a huge goodie bag with my new favorite PINK Snuggie, and as I was getting treatment...in walked Mom, Bob, Ashley, Travis, and Ava Cake (Kate) with flowers for the nurses and a LARGE beautiful tropical plant for me to take home. Everyone kept teasing me about my "Rockstar" status, but the truth is I felt like a rockstar. I simply couldn't believe I was done with my treatment, what shall I do with my Mondays now? KIDDING! I know my time there is not over, I will be going in 3 weeks for a check in with Dr. Brescia and will be having continual treatment roughly 3 to 4 times a year for at least 3 years...but, I WON'T be going every week and it WON'T be for chemo!! Praise the Lord!

I went for my first consult appointment for radiation today...I feel like if I can get through chemo, I can get through anything, so...Bring It! I met with Dr. Jennifer Harper, who I loved-I think she will make a wonderful addition to my ever growing team. Basically, I will go in for a CT scan, line up what will take place for 25 rounds(won't bore you with those details yet), do a runthrough, and then start the very next day. She wants to give me a couple of weeks off (with the week before really doing prep work) before our start date. Trust me, I will let everyone know the official start date, because again, I will be counting down. My true celebration will begin after radiation when I actually have the strength to celebrate...until then-HUGE victories, small celebrations (for now).

I have included a few photos from my last day of treatment, one of me and my sweet husband, and then a few of the kids celebrating with Mommy at home(already in my pj's). Not the best pics, but I don't care, I was still a little,"medicated" and we were just so happy to be done and home sweet home. They may be young, but they knew that was Mommy's last treatment.

The "sweet 16" balloon stood for the 16 rounds of treatment I SURVIVED!!

My journey is not over- but by the grace of God, I have come so far and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Onto the next as they say, thank you for your love and continued prayers.

Go and be well sweet people, check in with you in a few days.

Dear God,

2010-01-17T18:29:00.001-08:00

Thank You for allowing me to get this far in my treatment.

Thank You for the good health You have given me to be able to complete my treatment. I realize that as difficult as it has been both physically and mentally going to treatment is a gift, finishing treatment is a blessing....I am grateful for both. Thank You for holding my hand, putting Your arms around me, and for carrying me when I could not carry myself. Thank You for the whispers of,

"Yes, you can"-when there was even the slightest thought of giving up. Thank You for praying for me, even though You were the one with the answers all along. Thank You for giving me the most amazing support team ever. Thank You for giving me the best Doctors and Nurses, for they have made all the difference in the world. Thank You for allowing me to make new friends. Thank You for allowing me to forge through this phase, for it gives me hope I will make it through the next. Thank you for the insight and perspective of a true "good" day, I will never take another one for granted. Thank You for teaching me "boring" and "uneventful" are anything but boring and uneventful. Thank You for introducing me to the "dark side", I truly have perspective for people who deal with it on a daily basis. I thank You even more for pulling me up through the darkness, a place I never want to return-a reminder that You are stronger than the devil. Thank You for hearing my prayer to never return to treatment, to never have a reason why. Thank You for the hope of a long cancer free life. I thank You for finding my humor when I pray for my good hair back, my long lashes back, and me giving You back the 20 lbs you so graciously gave me. Whatever, if it kept me strong enough to do this without much of a hiccup, I do thank You for those too.

Mostly, I thank You for the most amazing wonderful husband a woman could ever wish for. Thank You for making him kind, sweet, gentle, and most loving. Thank You for giving me the love of a lifetime.

Thank You for the gift of tomorrow, I pray for strength and peace as I end this part of my journey...may I never return.

Amen.

Round 15 Goes to....

2010-01-13T13:56:00.000-08:00

WARRIOR!

Did I just say Round freakin 15????

I can't believe I can even write that, I am 1 more treatment away from being DONE with chemo!!! My body feels grateful, I feel like it didn't have much more to give, my mind surrendered along time ago, my heart...my heart is a different story. It is a bittersweet feeling for me and I am not even at my last treatment yet. You visualize what that last day of treatment is going to be like...balloons, cake, pink wig-to rock "going out in style" maybe? Nah, none of the above for me. I feel very sensitive to the other people I have grown so close to, like it breaks my heart I am leaving them behind. I want to take them with me and have it be their last treatment too. I hope I am strong enough to walk out of there proud I have finished such a daunting, gruelling task...but stronger in the knowledge that I promise to always be there for the people that have walked this walk with me. I told my sweet friend Jessica (who has treatment until March), that it would be my honor to sit with her while she has her treatment. She looked at me like I had 4 heads, like "Are you crazy to even want to come back to this place? BLOW this Popsicle stand and get the heck out of dodge!".I meant what I said girlfriend and will be there in a heartbeat, it would be an honor. I guess I will go to my last treatment and let the moment take me where I need to be...I'm sure it will be an experience of its own and I will write about it next week. I just can't even imagine, I am sitting here bawling my eyes out like a baby right now...oh boy.

The good news is that I have side tracked my depression! I have found by focusing on others and not myself, helps not being so depressed. Easier said than done (the not being depressed part), but focusing on trying to serve others helps.

Speaking of this...I HAVE to give a shout out to my sister-friends of make up! There are 6 of us donating our time for MakeOvers for Mammograms (yep, that would be me in the above photo doing my thing-back in "when I had hair days"), February 6th for

The Charleston Breast Center. I cannot even begin to thank these girls enough...Margaret, Elizabeth, Kelly, Laura, and Pam...your kindness, generosity, talent, and time are special and the thought of you all giving up your day warms me and fills my love tank! I can't think of a better way to spend the day, than hanging out, doing make up...all for a great cause. I am proud to be doing this for an organization near and dear to my heart, but even prouder to call you all my friends. "Thank you" does not even come close...

Okay, motherhood duties are calling, my above light fixture is swinging as I write this-no telling what the kids are doing upstairs. I am exhausted, typical Wednesday fashion- so it's bath time,then off to bed.

Good night sweet people and sleep tight!

Funky COLD Medina!

2010-01-11T05:42:00.000-08:00

Remember Tone Loc(above) LOVED him with his" Funky Cold Medina" and "Wild Thang"??

Let me start off by saying, I hope everyone had a good weekend and that you are off to a great start this week.

Last week for lack of a better word...BLEW! I found myself swirling in a depression I found new. I felt like one of those frozen twisty treats that combine vanilla and chocolate...they start off looking real good, then as it builds and builds it gets deformed and mangled-eventually ending up on the floor. Weird analogy I know, but that was the first thing that came to mind. My head was twist, twist, twist-until it finally lost all (mental and physical) shape and form, falling to the floor. My thought was to just surrender to it all, but at that moment I was dangerously aware that by doing that could lead to difficulties in "getting back up". I have been warned about depression during diagnoses and treatment and I didn't want to be that gal...especially so close to the end. The few people I opened up to about this were like"Just HOLD on"..."You are SO close". I had to really focus on things I had ahead of me that I was looking forward to in order to stay sane. I was exhausted, but got back to work with the event we are putting together for The Breast Center, and I also had to work Friday and Saturday this past week with events I already had on the books for make up. It was all helpful in climbing out of the "funk". I didn't talk to many people last week, but apparently alot of people were in their own funk and felt horrible too! UGH, I am praying for many reasons this week is better for all of us, it has to be...that's why we have weeks like last week right? To make the next week look real good!

Well, today is Round 15! Whahoooooo! After today, I will have only 1 more round of chemo...PTL (Praise the Lord)! I am so ready to be done...I am chanting "Stay Strong, Stay Strong". "Almost done with chemo, almost done with chemo", that would be to the tune of "Cha cha cha cha cha CHA!"

I have 3 important dates on the books...January 20th is my first of 2 appointments with a Radiologist Oncologist (making the second one as I write this). Then February 5-I have a date with Dr. Baron to take this port OUT!! I am thrilled about that...talk about liberating-YES! Then we have our Make Overs for Mammograms Event February 6th...we hope to raise at least $2000.00 that day for The Charleston Breast Center!

Okay, I am outie...got to get ready for treatment this morning. I pray (for many people) that today goes well. I have alot of friends that have treatment today and I just pray for boring and uneventful. I never thought I would pray for something so...dull. But anyone who is fighting cancer will tell you, boring and uneventful are GOOD things. Chuck and Christine, I am sending up extra prayers for you all and Chase this morning-Chase...BEAT IT warrior boy!

Check in with you all later-stay warm, stay strong!!

Round 14 goes to...

2010-01-07T04:12:00.000-08:00

Well, I am upright-so I am going to say Warrior!

This has been a rollercoaster of a week, both physically and emotionally-but the good news is, I have 2 days to turn it around. I think it is a mind set I need to get in with switching gears.

YES, I am most excited about having only 2 more rounds of chemo, but NO I am not excited about buckling down for 32 rounds of radiation.

I have stayed so focused on this fight of treatment that I have put the fact that I need to prepare for another part of my journey...and it's here. Some people will tell you radiation is not a big deal (???)

I find that most of those people are not coming off of months of brutal and aggressive chemo. I have been warned that it will be pure and utter exhaustion (great) starting in about day 10...well, if I am going to be exhausted, than I don't want to know what all this has been-I went to bed at 7pm last night!!

Anyway, today is a new day and despite the fact that I will go in and have all my heart tests done this morning, I will not worry and I will try my best to turn this funky week I am having around.

I was gently reminded where my head needs to be by this bible verse:

"This is my command-be strong and courageous! Don't be afraid or discouraged! For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go". Joshua 1:19

I just need to remember who is captain of this ship and trust the journey I am on...

Tired, but wired...

2010-01-04T22:12:00.000-08:00

No photos, no pep talk, just raw words...

I have spent the last 2 hours stealing snuggle time with Lexi (who crept into our bed), this is such a sweet time for me, because normally the girl is not still long enough-only to grab a driveby hug once in a blue moon. Not like my Cameron, who would still ride in my baby bjorn if I let him. So as much as I loved spooning with my favorite 3 year...I could no longer take my husband's snoring! My heart was racing (thanks to the chemo), my brain was racing (thanks to the steroids). You wouldn't believe how "out of it" I spent most of the day-very foggy. Some treatment nights I can sleep, some I am UP! I guess it's going to be one of those nights.

My brain is racing, I have worked a bit, read a bit, tried watching TV a bit...anything to avoid the truth of what I felt today (and to try and make myself tired).

Today was a bit of new territory for me, let me explain. First of all, I woke up today and didn't feel "right". I was having a hard time catching my breath and was very tired. I mustered through my morning, trying to help get the kids ready for school and did a few things around the house/ office before Steph came and got me for treatment (thanks for giving up your day again sister sledge....I know it was a long one! I love ya!).In my head I am just hoping it was the weather change that was making it more difficult for me to breathe...I guess we will see shortly. I have an appointment on Thursday for my 3rd (scheduled) round of EKG,and Echo cardio gram (all heart tests). To ensure my heart sustained the toxic world it's been living in lately (I think if I remember correctly we danced to that song this past weekend-despite it's new meaning for me, it hasn't lost it poll dancing effect-whew, thanks Britney!). Anyway, we have that and a physical next week with Dr Brescia...which lead me to my next update.

We found out today that I WAS NOT getting the clinical trial study drug-Avastin. I knew my odds and wasn't really sure which way I wanted to dice to roll for me (especially after they pulled it for some people having heart failure-albeit mild, it's still heart failure...did I just say that?). It is what it is and the good news, as Dr Br. and Liz said that at least we don't have to worry about the added toxicity my body might have endured. This also means that after my next 2 treatments-I can get this freakin port out! Dr. Baron's office is so on it...they have already called to schedule the appointment-get me on the books sister! Apparently, this is something they do "in office", which scares the crap out of me, but you know how I feel about them (LOVE them) and trust they do this a thousand times and KNOW what they are doing. They are either going to have to sedate me, or I will self sedate myself-capeesh???

Which leads me to the next update...radiation. I have gotten the names of 2 wonderful RO (radiologist oncologist) and already have my first appointment with Dr. Jennifer Harper on the 20th of this month. Radiation is NOT an option for me (as I was so delicately reminded of today), but it is very important that I not only feel comfortable, but feel like I have the BEST to join my (still growing) team! It takes a while to get that ball rolling, and they want to do it right after chemo...even after we make a final decision,we have to get everything set up...they even do a dress rehearsal.Super!

Which lead me to my next update (who knew I was going to hear an ear full today...), we briefly touched on the subject of my "after" care. Dr. Br.(Brescia, not to confuse you with Dr. B.-Baron) mentioned 2 drugs I would take to shut down my estrogen and my estrogen making organs. Think of it this way-my cancer was hormone based, so I CANNOT produce any more of this EVER-duh! My body has been in a chemo induced state of menopause, but after treatment stops, my "cycles" may start up again, so they want to put me in permanent menopause.If the drugs do their job, I may be able to avoid the surgery of a full hysterectomy. One drug was a pill I would take every day for at least 5 years and the other (if I can get it approved by insurance-it's about $1000 a dose), I would only need this via IV twice a year. It is to prevent osteoporosis and it also has major anti cancer benefits. He highly recommended this drug because in his words,"He doesn't like it when there are lymph nodes involved and wants to throw everything at me that he thinks I can tolerate to never have this cancer return".

This is where I had to bite my tongue to not cry, for the first time I think I was scared. This is new for me...I have been for the most part- positive, extremely hopefull, and cup half full...way full. Being afraid...I have not been, until today. And it scared the poop out of me. I know what my reality is-that is why I have endured months of brutal treatment. I just have been thinking, this is a year in my life, it will be tough-but I am tougher...let's just get 'er done and not look back. I have NO plans on returning to this life ever again-but ultimately, it is not up to me and we all know that.

It's tough...there is a sweet lady who goes to treatment with me. I don't know her all that well and she is not one of our regulars in our Pink Posse...but I still say hello to her when I see her and ask how she is doing. The other day I ask her how many more treatments she had and she bravely looked me in the eye and said,"Oh sweetie, my cancer has metastasized everywhere-I will probably be in treatment for the rest of my life (mind you she was roughly my age and has a 7 year old!). I didn't know whether to scream or cry. I just wanted to pull this lady down in my lap and rock her-my heart just broke for her. I have been thinking of her alot lately and wonder what goes through her head. You just feel helpless sometimes because you want to save everyone and make it better for everybody!

So there you go, I had a moment today and a flash of being scared to death. I figured I would put it down on "paper" and leave it there. I didn't like being there and want to move on. It's a fine line of putting your energies in other, more positive things...another to be in denial. You can be optimistic and truthful right...I think they call that hope.

I suppose that's enough for one night (or morning, it is currently 2:15am-and NO I am still not tired). Tomorrow is a new day and I hope it goes well. I have a meeting concerning the location for the benefit we are putting together for the Charleston Breast Center. We pretty much have everything confirmed- we just need a location so we can tighten up the details and get the appointments on the books.

Say a prayer it all works out, I can't wait to tell you all about it...

New Year, New Ideas, and New INK!

2010-01-03T15:09:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Hope everyone had a wonderful and safe New Year! I hope you rang it in with style, grace, and many prayers for 2010! I have a good feeling about this upcoming year, I can't explain it, I just do...

My New Years Eve day didn't start off to hot, I felt horrible and laid down for most of the day. Thankfully, I was able to rally and actually "ring in" the new year with my entire family...2 things were different this year. (1) We actually made it UP to midnight to officially welcome the new year and (2)we weren't the only ones who made it up, both kids were up and rang in the new year with us...one big family kiss!

YEAH 2010...2009 can hit the bricks, see ya... don't want to be ya anymore!!!

Like every year (andmany people), I try and take the time to evaluate where my life is and where I want it to go. I believe we should take charge and be responsible for our own destiny regardless of our situation and circumstance. I always have dreams blowing in the wind, with usually a goal and plan not to far behind it. This year is no different. I knew that with my diagnoses would come new feelings, new direction, and new options for most things in my life...my prayer was that any thought I had would be prayed on, blessed, and then guided forward (just now at a much slower pace than before). I look back on the pace I was keeping before June and it wasn't healthy. I confessed a thought I had to one of my best friends, at the time I was so tired I didn't even feel guilty-but looking back on it, I should have seen the signs(and more importantly paid attention). This was on one of the days in between my regular Dr's appointment(which was on a Wed.) and my mammogram appointment(which was one that Friday). I knew the second that prescription for my mammogram was in my hand, my life was about to change. I remember even then, floating out of the office thinking somehow I just knew and that nothing would ever be the same. Anyway, what I was thinking and what I said was...

"I am just so tired from all the running, I am mentally exhausted and frazzled-at least if I had to do any kind of treatment, I would at least be sitting still! ".Oooookay, yes I realize that is totally nuts and completely not rational-but it's the truth, it's what I was thinking.Man-that is some kind of tired and I don't plan on keeping that pace ever again.

Okay, so for the fun news...I want another tattoo!!! I know exactly what I want and where I want it. I am so excited!! And it has unbelievable meaning...I think that's why I am so excited. I was doing research on the lotus flower and it's meaning and just wept as I read the true meaning behind the beautiful lotus flower. Have you ever really looked at a lotus flower? They are simple, pure, and stunning.

The lotus flower's seed starts off at the bottom of the pond in the darkest and muddiest of conditions. As the stalk takes shape and form, it can bend and bend-but rarely ever breaks! It is a very strong flower and continues to gain strength as it grows and finds it's way to the surface. Once the lotus flower reaches the surface and blooms, it blossoms into the most beautiful flower. The beauty of the lotus is it's own reward for fighting through the mud and the muck to get to the top. It symbolizes rebirth and new beginnings-how perfect. I thought about getting it on my other wrist (inside), so I can look it and be reminded of how grateful I am of new beginnings. Warrior/Cross on one side....Lotus flower on the other. Then I also had the thought of putting it on my side (ouch)...for 2 reasons. One, I would be able to connect all the other little tattoos they are going to give me for radiation-and two, it would be close to my heart (which makes me want to cry now thinking about it).I guess once I am even able to get my tattoo (have to be totally done with all of this), I will know more in my gut where I want my special lotus to go.

Okay,so tomorrow is Round 14...3 more, 3 more, 3 more! Dad and Tricia, I know you are reading this...I don't know who's bummed out more that you can't take me tomorrow-but I will be in good hands. I hope you both feel better soon! We will make up for the date later-just NOT at CHEMO!

Alrighty, I am extree tired from the weekend-so I am going to think about turning in. I will be saying extra prayers tonight for our friends Chuck and Christine...their baby boy had a week full of scans this past week and will get some of the results back from those tests.

We all are praying for good news, we love you guys and are lifting you up!

We will check back in with ya on Warrior Wednesday! xo

Round 13 Goes to....

2009-12-30T14:20:00.000-08:00

Warrior!

As I write this, I can't even believe I said Round 13!

Take one down, pass it around, 3 more rounds of chemo on the wall.

I was thinking earlier today how far (mentally) I have come (toot toot) and that which won't kill you will only make you stronger. Seriously, there were many times, many days before we knew we were going to have to "do" treatment, where I would throw up at the pure thought, much less the image of me in a chemo chair doing treatment. I was so scared. It doesn't scare me as much, because I refuse to let it. Not that it has become old hat, or that "practice makes perfect".

Not that anyone wants to be a professional chemo champion, or hold the Gold Medal in the IV PORT Olympics...nobody wants to be there, and nobody certainly wants to be "good" at it.

My message to anyone out there getting ready to go through a tough phase, whether it's treatment or something totally different-YOU can do it. If I can do this, you can take on any challenge or battle any demon you are facing. By the grace of God, my amazing support system, and countless prayers...I can now see a little bit of the light at the end of the tunnel.

I still have a ways to go, but I can at least see it (light) and begin to see my life taking a turn for the better. It's tiny, but praise God what little light I see is at least bright. I am starting to at least write down the things I want to get done in my life time, set new goals, realize and affirm new dreams. I am making plans. Right now I am too tired to act on most of them, but the main thing is...I HAVE them stored up in this noggin (and that's half the battle).

The reality is that no matter what, you will have good days and then better days. I am trying to be better about what I allow in my head, and what I let get to me. I find for me to get right with myself- I need a quiet, still place.Far far away from the chaos.

So physically,I have felt pretty good- up until this afternoon...I hit a wall. It's always that darn 3rd and 4th day. I start feeling not so hot, then the exhaustion kicks in. For now, I am just trying to bend with the curve and go with it. It's weird how some days I will have energy and some days I can't seem to make it up and down the stairs.

I am still looking at mounds of gifts to put away before we can even start putting away the actual Christmas decorations....you know what though? They will be there tomorrow and maybe even the next day. Those darn elves need to be as good at putting things away as they were at getting them here!

I posted a few pics of my brother Ryan's Graduation- I was so blessed to be able to attend. This was a huge deal for me to be able to go....I was and am so proud of him. There is one great picture of my 3 crazy siblings (I must have already bolted to get out of the crowd aka "germ" zone).

Anyway, I have the best brothers and sister in the world...our family ROCKS and I'm glad to be along for the ride!

Until our next blog date...xo

Santa vs. Warrior

2009-12-27T10:34:00.000-08:00

I hate to say, but as sweet as he is...I beat out the ole' fat guy in the red suit!

Red is definitely more his color, for it will always remind me of adriamycin- aka...red dragon or devil:s blood.One of chemos most powerful cocktails.

Round 12 went to Warrior and I am already suited up with gloves on ready for tomorrow's...Round 13! Yep, you read correctly...4 more rounds to go!

Last Monday, when we were in for treatment in was oddly quiet...almost eerie. I was a bit out of sorts...sitting on the "wrong" side, different nurses (although they were wonderful), and I looked around and it was just me and my girls...Deb and Jess. Deb had come in early, so she was almost done, and Jess was in for her short round, so she left soon after I got there. It was weird...I was the only one in there for a while-it was like we were shooting a movie...very surreal.

As much as I am ready to be done, you somehow get attached to coming to treatment every week, seeing the same people over and over. I have been warned that after treatment there is a bit of a let down and some depression... that you don't know what to do with yourself now that you are not actively in treatment. I can see that...and how that could happen.

Again, all we can do is take one day at a time. I like to be prepared, but not predict...you never know.

I hope everyone had a wonderful and blessed Christmas. As much as I simplified our calenders and paced our family...it went by so fast. My biggest joy was watching the children, they were so happy and excited. People get so caught up...I felt a bit overwhelmed at times, but certainly not caught up. There is a difference.

One of my best friends, you all know her by now- Ashley Grace, was in the hospital with Keith (her little boy, Cameron's buddy) who is 4. His appendix ruptured and for 7 days they spent fighting secondary effects from his surgery. It was heartbreaking to know what was going on and even more so to know they were going to spend Christmas in the hospital. On top of that, Caroline(Ash's daughter) had gotten a horrible virus, so she couldn't even go visit in the common areas (no kids allowed on the hospital floors)...it could have been worse, but it was a white hot mess because everyone was split up. I couldn't go up of course, so we did multiple drive by's, dropping off any and everything we could think of that might make things better...knowing good and well the only thing we ALL wanted was for him to get well and come home. Thank goodness I can say, he went home last night and is at home resting and recovering. Thank the Lord!

Of course I have been thinking of them and praying for them so hard-duh! But as I was really thinking of them, it dawn on me (and the reason why I am writing about this)...is that it yet again changed my perspective, (especially for the Holidays). Ash and I were talking about it again today, how when you are stripped of all of life's "stuff"...your needs are very simple. God, health and happiness.(In that order mind you). That's all you need. Sometimes certain situations will force your hand at realizing this, after all many people proclaim to already know this and it doesn't have to take a "bad" situation to figure this out. I just think it makes you figure it out faster if you don't get it...

Like many things in life, it was a bittersweet week for them and a bittersweet time...in the end, they are all back together under one roof. Amen.

For me it reminded me of many things that were or have become bittersweet, but at the end of the day-I know where I lay my head, who is beside me, and who I pray to...

Before I end this post...I have to say, that I am grateful for the people I got to visit with and the things I got to do over the past few days. I did alot of praying that not only was I well enough to be around people, but that people were well enough to be around me. If you have never had a compromised immune system, I realize you don't get it...but it changes your life and how you do everything. For me it was a blessing to go to church Christmas Eve and to even be around the kids for the festivities...please God, just keep me well enough to plug through 4 more rounds of treatment!!

Thank you for your continued love, prayers, and support...they keep our hearts warm and our love tank full. God bless you ALL!

Angel Kisses, Christmas Wishes

2009-12-20T16:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

My Christmas wish is coming directly from the heart-

Health, Peace, and Happiness from me is where it starts.

Time is on my list this year, something often taken for granted-

Count our blessings one by one, pay it forward...may the seed be planted.

The promise of tomorrows, a glance into years ahead-

The blessing to see my son graduate, the gift to see my daughter wed.

My wish is to forgive and forget, start anew from a place so pure-

While you're at it- oh dear Santa, could you also find us the CURE?

Take away the the sick, the suffering, all of those in need and pain-

Bless our surrounding soldiers and for those who were not lost in vain.

On my list I wish to live, but never live in fear-

Let go of absolutely all regrets, but reach for this new year.

Santa, if I had to... I would do it all over again-

2009 held so many blessings, I can't imagine 2010.

Thank you for listening and for taking a little time-

For this is not a list,but a prayer... I know, because it's mine.

Love,

Warrior Girl

Round 11 Goes to...

2009-12-17T05:47:00.000-08:00

You guessed it...WARRIOR! I am so so grateful! Aside from some port issues (ugh), it was a long but uneventful drip this past Monday. (Remember, we like uneventful).I was in great company and think I recall most of what we talked about (wink wink)...Tuesday was a bit rough, but I was lucky enough to rally for the drive up to Spartenburg to see my older younger brother Ryan WALK!! He is now an official graduate of USC (we are so excited-we won't even hold that against him, being major Clemson fans!). I felt so fortunate to be well enough to go, I certainly keep praying for good health, as I DON'T take it for granted.

As we get closer to the holidays and things get busier and busier...I try and make more of an effort to slow down and really let things soak in. I would rather shave a few things off my social calender in order to really enjoy what I plan on showing up for...

My perspective has changed...I felt myself starting to get overwhelmed yesterday. The thought of trying to make all the events planned and all of the people involved happy, almost kept me driving straight on I 85 yesterday...I didn't care where we ended up, as long as it was NOT here where I knew the pressure would be. I closed my eyes and said a prayer...took a very deep breath and LET IT GO. Some people might find this very "Bah Hum Buggish", but you think you know, but you really don't know. I have a HUGE family, love them all dearly, and in the end I am very blessed! It's the old saying,"Too much of a good thing...".

I post this photo above because it makes me smile for the most part (and cry a little to be honest)...it was a year ago today that my sister and I were taking this picture. We were on a cruise and felt like we didn't have a care in the world (although I am sure we did).We spoke about it yesterday and thought, "Wow, what can happen in a year..." So much has happened in a year, some things wonderful (my niece)...some things, not so wonderful...(my diagnoses). I reflect back on this year I have had so far (it ain't over yet...) and am amazed by so much. The blessings, the friendships, the emotions, the roller coaster ride that will forever change my life and how I see it. I still don't think I get the full scope of what has been happening over the past 6 months, and that's okay. God will reveal things to me (as He already has) in His own time. In the meantime, I will revel...revel in the goodness we do have. God has given us so much, it is mindblowing.

People ask me all the time, "Are you always so flippin' positive and uplifting?" I am the real me all the time(which is sometimes like opening a bag of crazy, just ask my husband) (Chuckle) But...NO, No, and no...I have not so good moments, not so good days, and heck- sometimes, not so good weeks! Every post I have ever written has been straight from my heart and head. Most days are sunny, but there are some days I simply can't stop crying for one reason or another. People that are close to me know this and it's important that you all know this too.

But for now and for today...the day is a glorious one. We try and take things not even day to day around here, but hour by hour, sometimes even minute by minute.

Over the next 2 nights I am looking forward to spending some good quality time with my girls. They have been an amazing support to me and I just can't wait to be in their company (minus an IV pole...ha!) Instead of a saline bag in hand, I just may have a small glass of Presseco!

Cheers people...here's to peace, love, health and happiness!

Round Em Up, Round 11...

2009-12-14T05:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I HAD to put these on here....look at these shoes! I am drooling all over the computer as I write this! They are PINK and SPARKLY! The perfect shoe! We are scaling back, way back for Christmas this year. Buying for only the children and the Mom's...which is kinda nice. We were able to put more focus on the kids, which is what the holidays are all about anyway, right? Blah blah blah...Unless you are talking about THESE shoes! Please little elves, if you happen to be listening, I am a size 8.5, have been really good this year and would donate half of what's in my closet for these! Haha...a girl can dream, right?

Well, this weekend came and went like Santa on speed and here we are back again at Monday, Monday (that's for all you Al Roker fans)...drip date time! Round 11 goes to Dad and Tricia, they are taking me today and I am looking forward to catching up and chatting about the upcoming holidays (they will just have to remind me of what I say, because apparently last week Steph and I stopped at CFA to grab something to eat and I DON'T remember that). Soooo, I just throw a disclaimer of what I do and what I say...roll with it and have fun! It's unique how each person I know that goes to treatment handles things differently, some people like to be quiet and still, listening to their ipod visualizing stomping out all cancer cells forever. Some people, are inquisitive and ask questions the entire time, which is their sweet way of trying not to worry, some people sleep the ENTIRE time which I am jealous (I am always in and out of light sleep), and then there is me...making my rounds saying Hi to everyone like I have been invited to a party! I don't know what happens to me and saying that I look forward to going to treatment would be a stretch, but I do love seeing my friends and my nurses, especially my Judi. They bring me a sense of proactive comfort...all my little soldiers gathering together, while the war we fight on the outside is quiet and peaceful, the war on the inside is raging. Kill cancer, kill cancer....nice sweet thoughts for the holiday season we are in huh? Again, I feel like I am living 2 different lives, but oddly enough, I feel present in both.

Speaking of sweet holiday season, we had a fantastic weekend. We took Lou to her first movie, which she LOVED! We had so much fun watching her watch the movie! Then we celebrated Cameron getting Student of the Month....HUGE DEAL! We are so proud of him I almost wet my pants! We will be celebrating that for a long time. Then it was off to get Lou's ears pierced, another big deal (I had to be 12 before I could get mine done),there was a group of cutie pie teenagers there watching Lexi, trying to convince Cameron to get his ear pierced too(ummmm, NO!) Then we had a small family birthday party for Alexis,...it was a Cinderella day all day-just for my Lexi. I will upload pics later, my disc was NOT cooperating...sorry!

This week ahead, my wish and prayer is to pace myself(and my family) to stay well enough to attend all of these important festivities. I don't have to stay long at any of them, we just have a busy week. Treatment today, then we get to go up to Sparkleburg, to watch my brother Ryan graduate college-whahooooo! Then it's ornament exchange Thursday, cocktail time with the girlies on Friday, wedding on Saturday, and then Family Christmas Party on Sunday...whew! Again, I am pacing myself and do not have to stay long at any of these...the second I get tired or hear someone cough or sneeze...I am OUTIE!

Then next week is Christmas...can you believe it??? I am very much looking forward to taking most of January and February OFF baby!

Alrighty, need to scoot off. It's always a rush to see what I can get done before I have to leave for treatment. Enjoy your week sweet people, take a few minutes each day to be still, say your prayers, and give lots of hugs...you never know who's day you will make, maybe your own!

Round 10 Goes To....

2009-12-10T05:14:00.000-08:00

WARRIOR!

Amen, I can say it a bit louder this week. It hasn't been a walk in the park, but so far this week is at least better than last. It always seems to get a bit more difficult towards the end of the week. I think it's all the meds and drugs working and weaving their way through my body, plus the fact that I may be tired from "running" my life. My focus these days is to "walk" it and walk it kinda slow...I want to get things done, but at a very cautious pace. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

I have 6 more weeks of this taxol and clinical trial, and I am so ready to be done. I have blown up to the size of a small Macy's Day Parade float and feel just miserable. I know treatment effects everyone differently, but the side effects never truly leave me, I guess maybe the only good side to that is that maybe this is my assurance they are continuely working. I do have an important decision to make about continueing the study drug or not...it is a blind study, so we won't know until the end of the 6 weeks if I have really been getting the drug or not. Some days I think I am, some days-not so sure. There have been a few people who have suffered some heart failure (not fatal thank goodness), but who have obviously had to go off the trial. They monitor my heart and it's stability closely and feel that to date my heart has been strong enough to continue, but ultimately it is my call to continue or not. I can pull off at any time.You never think you will have to make decisions like, okay...continue killing potential cancer cells? or possible flubbing up your heart? Either way, I am so ready to be done. At least I know that everyday when I do what my energy allows... I know I am trying my best, physically and mentally. That's all I can do.

I am heartbroken to even write this... 2 of my friends lost their Mothers to cancer this past week and I am mad for them. Cancer steals away people before we are ready, but I imagine it is especially hard so close to the holidays. I pray for peace and comfort for them and for the ability to feel God's arms around them as they go through not only these tough days ahead, but for the tougher days to come.

As tough as some days can be, I am grateful that God allows me another day here...to go out and find my purpose and to try and make a difference.

I hope the Holidays are treating you all well and that you are able to slow down and enjoy the reason for the season. It is always a challenge to be in the moment, especially when you have small kids, they just get so excited they tend to run 100 miles an hour (which is just not possible for me right now)...God bless them and their energy, and God bless YOU!

Have a good rest of your week and we will check in with you later....Big Warrior LOVE!

The Line of Decision...

2009-12-06T17:59:00.000-08:00

Happy Sunday evening to ya...I hope you all truly had a good week,thankfully my week got a bit better. I feel ready to start again with a new week, a better week! Tomorrow marks Round 10, can you believe it? Each minute of each day holds different time. Sometimes it flies, sometimes it stands still. As long as I am crossing treatments off, may the days keep rolling...

Steph is my drip date tomorrow and I am looking forward to our time. We always have good conversation, throw some chemo meds in there and I am sure things will get real fun, heck we might even start a riot!

I was listening to Bon Jovi's new cd today and one of my new favorite songs is cut 12..."Learn to Love the World Your Living In". The entire song is amazing, but there is one line I love-

"On the fence of decision, it's revenge or forgiveness..." Now I spend alot of time thinking about relationships, it's what matters most to me. I consider myself a very loyal, devoted, committed kind of person....but I am not perfect. I try to think before I speak and do...but I am not perfect. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated...but again, I am not perfect.

Ever since my diagnoses, I have been digging deeper, doing even more soul searching about life and how I should and could handle "things". Just because I have had breast cancer or am up to my eye balls in treatment, doesn't make me immune to stupid (for lack of a better word) "crap". It just changes the way I react to them (most days, depending on my whacked out hormones).

I won't lie and say that my life is now issue free...after all I am human. However, I am more selective on what I let bother me and what I do about it. If something is bothering me, I envision myself addressing the situation. Really visualize confronting the issue...if it feels like it would be worth my time, worth my energy, and it could actually change things-then I move forward with a plan. If not, I try to learn how to let it go, really let it go. The fence of decision is not a fun place to be on, and this song got me really thinking about forgiveness. I'm not really interested in revenge, I know who has my back and He will take care of holding other people accountable.That's certainly NOT my job. So all that's left is acceptance and forgiveness. Can you forgive someone if they don't even know they have done something to hurt you? I don't know, maybe that's the true measure of true peace. That's all I am ever after...true peace, health, and happiness.

I don't know what got me started on this, with chemo brain you tend to be thinking about the most profound thing, to thinking if you remembered to bring the toilet paper downstairs. I think with the holidays upon us, we tend to think more about each other and relationships...what we can change, what we cannot change.I guess what I think is, we can't be expected to change other people, so maybe learn to change our thinking and figure they are the ones missing out.

I don't have it all figured out, especially with many of my brain cells MIA these days. However, that will not stop me from trying to figure out what is and what remains important.

Have a fantastic start to your week sweet people, say a little prayer that all goes well for Round 10, after this we have 6 more to go! We will check in with you sometime mid week!

Lots of big Warrior Love!

Round 9 Goes to...

2009-12-03T06:43:00.000-08:00

warrior!

I say that in lower case letters because I don't even have the energy to shout it from the mountain tops like I normally do. I don't know if something is wrong with me (I know, a loaded question), or if it's just treatment after treatment catching up, but I am so extremely exhausted...it's beyond any kind of tired I have ever felt.

Now, I am not "complaining", more like venting out of frustration. I want to tell people what it's like to be going through all of this, with 2 little kids, smack in the middle of the holidays...maybe it will give someone else a different perspective on their own holiday experience. I will be more grateful from now on myself for future holiday adventures. Energy is a real blessing.

I feel like that last little bit of water swirling in the tub before it gets sucked down into the dark abyss. That's were my energy is-sucked away in a dark place, no matter how hard I try to do mind over matter, my body nor my mind is allowing for much of anything. I go from having the greatest idea on a project to not remembering where the heck I am even driving to (as I am behind the freakin' wheel)...not good. These days I am mid sentence and just stop cold, because I cannot remember what I was even talking about-geez.

Physically, I feel like a dish rag. Did I mention how tired I am? It's indescribable, I really hope nothing else is wrong, this doesn't seem like normal fatigue. Which take me to my patience level (I have none left), between me feeling so tired, I am in menopause which puts me a real peach to hang out with! I am crabby, grumpy, irritable, and well just plain crazy at the moment. I know...lucky Rhett! Sorry if this is TMI, but for the ladies reading this, it's like the day before you start...you just never start-ugh! I can't help it, I feel like I am in someone else's body right now and I am screaming to get out. Then there is the guilt of knowing things could be worse, so it's a tangled web we weave.

I try to muster to do things that I know will make me feel better. I do the elliptical every Monday before treatment, walk on Tuesdays, ride the bike on Wednesdays, weights on Thursday, and more cardio on Fridays. Mind you it is about at level 1 or 2, just enough to get my body moving and the blood flowing. It takes every bit of effort for me to even do just this, and it's very frustrating, because I leave feeling more tired than when I started.I know, I know... I should be grateful, a few weeks ago I couldn't even make to the mail box. It's hard though because all the "stuff' they have you on, steroid's, meds, etc....it has puffed me up overnight to the tune of 10lbs. I remember my friend Crystal telling me this would happen and as if you weren't feeling bad enough-it did happen. A number is a number, and it will come off after treatment-but I am more concerned with the way it makes me feel. BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!

I wish I could apologize for the poo poo post, however-this is the real deal. There might be other people going through the same thing I am going through... breast cancer/treatment or NOT...it could be their normal everyday lives exhausting them. Know that you are not alone. I am going to tell you what I am telling myself, allow the true feelings in, do the best you can do, and try to make tomorrow better. Hold onto to what's good, change what you can about the not so good, and ride out the rest. The good news is, over here in our neck of the woods-the SUN is out! So maybe a walk, and some fresh air will do me some good. Maybe, I will just go rock on my front porch and pray to feel better and pray for all the others who need a little lift too. God Bless you and may the climb upward begin NOW!

Heart Art!

2009-11-29T16:44:00.000-08:00

Just like my hair, my mind, and sometimes my sense of humor...I have lost IT! Well, I still have my dignity and my heart but all my brows and eyelashes are GONE! Poof, just like that- practically overnight. For lack of a better word...bummer! To my surprise, I am actually having a bit of a hard time with this. I don't really get it, because you would think I couldn't feel any more vulnerable than sportin' a baldie noggie, but now I feel really naked.

So far I have been able to pull things together, but looking in the mirror I see someone I don't recognize...chemo girl-UGH! Thank goodness with a little bit of concealer and some brow pencil, I can feel a bit better but MAN...what's UP? You would have thought that whatever I would have lost I would have lost by now, but nope-I guess that's not how treatment works and it didn't bother to ask me what I thought. The weird thing is that I am getting aLOT of fuzz on my head and it is BLONDE! Whaaaaat? I thought maybe it was my imagination, but when Ashley and the kids were over on Friday, I showed her and she even said, "Is it coming in blonde?". Now mind you, I don't know if it is really coming in and I don't know if it is really blonde, but I have NEVER been a blonde a day in my life!! Go figure...no offense for those out there who are blonde, but at least my hair would now match my personality. I am now officially a ditsy AIRHEAD! I really hope that with my hair, my mind will make a comeback of it's own!

On a different note, I have 2 funny stories...Cameron was at the table working on his "Thanksgiving Turkey". On each feather he wrote and drew what he was grateful for...he wrote that he was grateful for his friends, his family, his Dad, his pies(?), and his Mom (sweet boy). So he starts drawing what he is thankful for and the next thing I know he is going to town erasing like a madman! I said, "Hey bud, what's wrong? Your picture was perfect the way it was!". He said, "No Momma! I drew you with hair and it's all wrong. Since you don't have any hair, I have to erase it!". Well, you know I guess he was right. It didn't bother him, so it didn't bother me...it was actually pretty funny and we both laughed about it. Then, tonight when I was tucking him in, he was hugging me and rubbing my head. I said, "Cameron-you are so sweet loving on Mom". My son (who suffers from pretty bad eczema, especially on his hands) said, "No Momma , I'm not sweet...my hands just itch and I can get a good scratch on your head". I had a good chuckle at that one, I told him he could use my head as a scratching post anytime, but that I still thought he was sweet as pie!

I don't want to leave Miss Priss out...Lexi Lou has a jump start on her terrible 3's (bless her heart)...but she is so darn cute and funny, it is really hard to get mad at her! She has big love and mad energy,both blow me away every day.I love her guts, and anyone who has spent any time with her knows what I am talking about when I say the girl has got a wild spirit! I LOVE that about her and wouldn't change her for the world, but she is flat wearing me OUT! Just watching her is exhausting! Whoever thought a cancer diagnoses and potty training went together is CRAZY! Lord help me, she is alot like me. I don't know if this house can take more than one of us!

Well, thanks for tuning in...I am writing just about every Wednesday and Sunday these days, and I appreciate you checking in. I am still writing to keep everyone updated, still writing to show the real side of dealing breast cancer-the good, the bad, and the ugly. As "uplifting" as I want my writing to be, it's more important that things stay honest and real. Sometimes that is a hard pill to swallow, but I hope that you can find the light and the humor of what goes down in my house, in my mind, and in my life..."it is what it is" and I just feel better that I can put it down on "paper" and keep moving forward. Writing is my way of "dealing" with things and if anyone enjoys reading about it, well...I am eternally grateful.

Tomorrow is Round 9, so I will be turning in for the night soon. I wanted to leave you on this wonderful note...the photo of all the signatures is from the Serenity Spa Event that was held for our family in October. Ashley Grace drew that pink ribbon canvas by hand and had everyone at the event sign it as they were checking in (great idea by the way girlie)...I currently have it in my office so I can look at it all the time. Today,I really got a chance to look at it and see who all signed it, what they wrote....it is a very special piece of "heart art" and I am grateful to have it on my wall and in my heart. It is a reminder of all the love that came together for us on that day- thank you, thank you!

Have a great start to your week and we will check in after we knock OUT Round 9! xo

Turkey vs.Warrior-Round 8 Goes to...

2009-11-25T08:45:00.000-08:00

Although my head may resemble the look of a plucked bird...that turkey lost out on Round 8!

Down and not yet out, we are half way through chemo...we are not even going to think about anything but family for the next 5 days. We are going to pray to feel good through food, family, and festivities. Celebrate all the many blessings we have been given and really focus on all the good God has graced us with this year.

I am grateful for so much, I find it difficult to even find the first words to express. What I am mainly eternally grateful for is my faith, my wonderful husband, my amazing children, my great family, the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, the food on my table, the working cars we drive, so many things...but what I am also grateful for is the hope of regained health, the promise of a better year, the touching connections we have made, the relationships that have bloomed, and the sisterhoods that have soared...

I am grateful for time and for the fact that I have not wished any of it away. That even through the darkest times, I have (mostly) been able to look up and towards the light. I am even grateful for the handful of times it was difficult to do that, I some how smuggled the power within to realize that it would only make the good great, just to hold on...

My wish for you all is that you have a safe and sweet Thanksgiving. As we approach the hustle and bustle of the next few weeks, I hope we are all able to hold onto what is most important...each other. May your hearts be warm, your belly's be full, and may God bless you all.

Happy Thanksgiving Sweet People!

Bucket List!

2009-11-23T05:45:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, there was a movie with Jack Nicholson called The Bucket List...now, I knew what a bucket list was before and not all of us are mega loaded like he was in the movie, but it got me thinking...when I close my eyes, what do I dream about doing? Daring to stretch my imagination and find my wildest thoughts on what I would want to do if I had a year or a lifetime??

I have been very blessed to have had so far an amazing life! I have traveled the world and seen and experienced things not many people get to see and experience. I look back sometimes and go, "Did I really do that?" I started thinking, what is there left that I would like to do...really do? By myself, with my husband, with my kids, friends??? Money would not be a factor, time would not be a factor...if I could dream it up, I could make it happen. What would be on my list, or at least my Top 10?? While I am sure I will think of other things, here is what is on my list-so far...

(maybe you can tell what's important to someone by what would be on their bucket list, if so-not sure what my list says about my life).I guess that's for me to figure out...

Top 10 on Lester's Bucket List...so far!

1.A trip to Disney World with my family (how cliche' is that one!). I would love to see their faces when they see where Mickey Mouse and Cinderella really live!

2.See Bon Jovi in concert

3.See Justin Timberlake in concert

4.A trip to Europe (Italy, Spain, France) with my husband

5.Take our family on a mission trip to Africa (Kenya)...(I have spent time there and have always felt connected, especially to the children in Kenya).

6.See George Michael in concert (can you tell how much I love music and going to concerts? I know, I have a problem)

7.Take my family and spend a year in New Zealand...I think raising our family there would be amazing (it's just too far away from our extended family). I would switch houses with another family for a year in a heartbeat.

8.Renew our wedding vows mountaintop in Hawaii overlooking the ocean (can you see it?)

9. Plan the ultimate girls trip to Las Vegas, where all of my girlfriends could go and have a trip of a lifetime.

10.Start my own foundation in honor of other young BC survivors (I'm searching for ways to transfer this from my bucket list to my "to do" list).

Now that I started thinking about what I really wanted to "do", I started asking around of what was on other people's bucket list. Many people haven't even given it much thought. I encourage you to dream and dream BIG (why not right?).I would love to know what people dream about doing. If you haven't thought about it, well...think about it! That's why I wanted to share my list, I wanted to get you all thinking about YOU, what's on your list, and HOW you can make it all happen. I don't know if I can work some magic to make some of my things happen, but I can start looking into it and get the ball rolling on at least a few. I'm getting excited and sweating just thinking about it...or maybe it's just a hotflash, whatever..GO FOR IT PEOPLE!!

Okay, I'm outie for the day. My girl Michelle is picking me up for treatment in a few(this is our double date, meaning 2nd time to treatment and I am so excited to see her) and I need to hit the road. Round 8!!!! I am at the half way mark for chemo and and I soooooooo excited! 8 more treatments (8 more weeks), then it's off to do radiation. We will take victories no matter how big or how small, right?!

Have a wonderful couple of days sweet people, we will check back in with you before Thanksgiving...peace, love, and lots of TURKEY!

Round 7 Goes To...Warrior!

2009-11-18T05:22:00.000-08:00

7 rounds down, 1 more from being half way done with chemo!!!!!

This past round came and went, and to date it has been the most uneventful, which I consider "a good thing" (I would love to hear Martha throw chemo that quote!). My girl Elizabeth was my drip date this week. I was glad to have that time together with her, and as weird as it sounds-it is a bonding experience. She is what we like to call "good people" and is cut from a very special cloth. E., I love ya girl and thank you for giving up your day!

It's a strange feeling, you become attached to the people who are taking care of you. I mean you see them every week, sometimes more than once a week. I love my nurses at Lowcountry Hematology, and especially my fav Jud! I was so happy to see her again (she had been out the past 2 weeks taking care of her husband...a nurse's work is never done). It was so busy in the treatment room, I had never seen it so busy. It first hit me in the parking lot (as we took the last parking space) and then again as I was looking for a chair, any open chair in the treatment room-just how crowded it really was in there! As much as I love my team of caregivers, I took a good look around and felt very sad to see so many people in for treatment. Most of us were woman, and several were under the age of 40 (I know, because I asked!).

Which leads me to my next internal rant...you would have to be living under a rock if you haven't heard about the new recommended RAISED (age) guidelines for mammograms...50! What the heck??? That number should be LOWER not HIGHER for Pete's Sake! I have a few calls in to see what can be done- speaking as a woman and shouting as a cancer patient/ SURVIVOR...

No! No!! No!!! This is unacceptable and we should not settle for this. Early detection is key, however not all breast cancers are found by self exams. Many are, which is why you should always be doing your SBE...but many are found by routine mammograms! Please ladies, don't stop checking the tatas and if you have any question about anything...tell your Dr. and push for a mammogram. Go with your gut, listen to that intuition, and ADVOCATE for yourself!

Now, as Al Roker would say, "on a much lighter note"...wanted to give a shout out to my sweet friend Banner! I have known Banner for a while now and I adore her! She is one of the best people to be around- sweet, funny, smart, uber talented and has the best musical repertoire of anyone I know. Anyway, she is the photog extraordinaire who took my noggin shots. I have written several times on why I wanted to do this, but the main reason is that I wanted to reach out to other woman who are about to lose their hair.I wanted them to know and see that your soul is stronger than you think and that security blanket of hair doesn't come close to the security you feel knowing that the reason you are losing your hair, is that it's a sign your treament is working (how's that for a run on sentence?).Somehow turn your baldness into a badge of honor. I promise, if I can do it- YOU can do it and you will be okay. You will be better than okay, you will be great, you will be stronger and more sensitive to the fact of what is more important around you! Turn the fear around and let it become a blessing. Trust me, I have been there and know that this takes time and is not easy. I remember when I was first diagnosed, I couldn't even read other people's blogs because the pictures were too hard to look at. I understand everything has to happen in it's own timing, my wish for anyone is to just not be afraid. I was afraid enough for us all, and once I got there...it wasn't so bad.

Thanks Banner Boo, it means the world to me that you did this-it was a specail time for me and I am glad we got to share the moment ...

I can't wait to see the rest!

I just wanted to say AGAIN...Thank you all for your continued prayers, messages, & emails! The support given to me and my family really gets us through each day and we are grateful, so grateful. The cards slow down, the flowers stop, the casseroles cease...but it's because of the kinds words of people like you who get us through week to week, treatment to treatment.

It is a long long road and we could NOT do it without you!

Thank You, We Love You, and God Bless YOU!

Here Comes the Sun...Little Darlin'

2009-11-15T06:19:00.000-08:00

Here comes the sun and I say-it's alright....

After what seemed to be 40 days and 40 nights of rain and cold, we were awakened by gorgeous sunshine and almost 80 degree weather! My sister, niece and nephew came into town on Wednesday, we spent a few days all together and then went on a little "staycation" just the 2 of us! I have always talked about getting away in my own wonderful town, and I'm so glad we did.

After what took a bit of coordinating and a small act of congress (Rhett was "out" of town too!)...we drop off ALL of the children and became childless for 26 hours. We missed the kiddos, but it was pure bliss snagging a bit of time away to ourselves. Lorie and I trolled up and down King Street with what seemed to be an endless cup of coffee...this time I splurged and it was not even DEcaf! I introduced her to the art of boutique consignment and I hate to say I think I created a monster-ha! She became hell on wheels and a woman with a mission to find the next best pair of $300.00 jeans for $5.00 (and she found them!). Then we watched the sun go down on the roof top pavilion, followed by a nice light dinner at Blossom's. We were both pretty tired and looking forward to our SLEEP, so we were both in the bed by 10pm and lovin' it! Now that is saying ALOT for two booty bouncing sisters who like to get their club on! Saturday, we took our time getting up, enjoyed a bit of breakfast in bed, and strolled the Charleston Market really early in the morning. It was fabulous- the vendors were still putting their things out, the sun was coming up, the city was quiet. It felt special to be there as our charming little town yawned, stretching it's arms to embrace what was to come for the day. Thank you, thank you to Grandma, GiGi, Ashey& Uncle Ken for taking care of our tribe, while we took care of a little "business".

Soooo, tomorrow is ROUND 7! I am hoping with the holidays approaching, time will fly and when I look up at the calender again-chemo will be DONE. I have 16 chemo treatments total, so after tomorrow-I will have 1 more until I am half way done! Yehawwwww Cowboy!

We won't saddle up for the next phase of radiation until this is all done and before that even happens, I will be getting a follow up opinion to make sure it is absolutely necessary. I mean... I like a tattoo and a bit of a tan-just not like that!

Speaking of following up, when I first got diagnosed I was reading and researching alot on integrating several other types of "treatment" along with my standard course of treatment. I have made some adjustments, but I am always a work in progress and could always do better. Not just for me, but for my kids. I need to get back on the wellness wagon and find better ways to feel well....better. It's weird that the foods I seem to be able to tolerate, don't leave me feeling the best health wise (kind of a double standard if ya ask me)...I get very overwhelmed the second I walk into Whole Foods (even more than I do walking into a Sephora, imagine THAT- so I need to just do more research on my own, make a list,a few sample menus and get to it!!

If anyone has any ideas or recipes, do tell!!

Alright sweet people, I am signing off to go make sweet Sunday memories with my fam. Lexi is in the kitchen playing with her Lite Brite, Cameron is busy building tracks for his Polar Express...all of us waiting for Rhett to get home. We have missed him and can't wait to spend the rest of the day together!

Lots of love, peace, health, and happiness to you all this week!

Mrs.Potato Head!

2009-11-12T10:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I did something I never thought I would (want to) do...document my bald noggin with actual photos. I had this overwhelming urge to make sure this time in my life was documented, on "paper", visually going down in history. Like- if I didn't somehow see it, and have the chance to trace this time in my life...I would never believe this ever even happened to me.

I got a sneak peek of one of the shots, and I still feel like I am looking at someone else. However-I have peered into the soul of my own green eyes long enough to recognize the truth, my truth.

Some people might think it's not really a big deal, a picture is a picture right? Well, you lose all your hair and check back with me. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. I just know that I wanted to capture the moment and have something really cool for me, my kids, and my book I will write one day. It was very personal, emotional, and for me the most freeing thing I have done in a long time. I am not very "good" in front of the camera, I can find the light and my good side- but that's about it. Knowing this and how awkward I normally feel taking photos, I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I didn't know what to expect, going in feeling so vulnerable. To my relief being so exposed turned out to be a good thing. I am grateful for the experience and can't wait to see how they turned out!

I am very excited...this weekend my sister and I are stealing away a bit for some much needed

R & R. We are only going for a day and a half- but there are fluffy robes, Hermes products and 600 thread count sheets involved-so...sign me UP!

I cannot wait for a change of scenery and the change of pace-I need a break and BAD!

Pictures of both to follow soon...enjoy your weekend sweet people.

Ciao, check in with you all on Sunday! xo

Round 6 Goes to.....Warrior!

2009-11-09T15:42:00.000-08:00

Wow, with treatments rolling out every week now, it's going fast (amen), but I can barely catch my breath. We are really rockin' and rollin' now and I hope I can hang tight enough to cruise right through. The goal...again is to stay well enough to not miss any more treatments-as my Cameron says..."Chuggin' Along Momma, just like Thomas!". Thanks Michelle for rockin' our drip date today, loved spending time with you

Last week was a mixed bag. I had a couple of decent days, one really good day, and the rest I just didn't feel well at all. Exhausted would be a good word. People ask me to compare it to the other chemo cycle and you can't really-like apples and oranges. I think I felt better, but the side effects had stacked against my odds catching me a bit off guard. I had major acid reflux which leaves you with a steady nausea (I am finding there are many different types of nausea), this actually caused me to get sick a few times. I increased my dosage of Prevacid, so I am praying this will be helpful in keeping my head out of the bowl. I actually stumbled across a web site the other day that sells "designer" barf bags...sweet! Nothing is sexier than blowing toxic chunks in a leopard print lunchbag! Look out Marc Jacobs, I think by popular demand you might could have the corner on this one. Or maybe Stella McCartney could create some bags that are totally green, no pun intended (they are gonna be green anyway!).

The other glamorous side effect is....let's just say a really upset stomach. Ugh, the taxol really isn't interested in letting me digest my food in the proper way.And when it does, it chooses to dispose at really inconvenient times-a bit debilitating. Maybe they make Depend in leopard print...ohhh, I'm on to something! Totally kidding, of course!

I just keep my eye on the prize and day dream about how wonderful I am going to feel after ALL of this is over. Sometimes I feel so bad so often, I just don't know how much longer I can take things. The bloat, the weight gain, HOTFLASHES (that is another blog post all together my friends), right now my entire body is itching due to the steroids. Speaking of hotflash...it FREAKIN' HOOOOOOT in here, somebody turn on the freakin air conditioner (yes it is currently 57 degrees outside-whatever. Turn it DOWN, it's better that standing in my thong with my freezer door open at 3pm in the morning.)

So back to what I was saying...oh yeah-staying positive (ha) and the fact that one day I will feel so good again and will enjoy reclaiming my body back (once again). I am strong, I am fit, I am healthy...I am a warrior and when the time is right, I will fight to get all of those things back. Right now I will fight for the more simple things, like finding the energy to help plan my baby girl's birthday party, or to help my Cam with his homework, and believe it or not I have to find the energy to have actual conversation sometimes...I want to reach out and chat with people sometimes and often I am just too tired (image me too tired to TALK?)-you and I both know that is some kind of TIRED!

Anyway, I will go to bed tonight praying that the steroids don't keep me up all night. I will thank God for getting me through another treatment, and my girl Deb, and a sweet new young Mom we met today...I will be praying for her as well as she embarks on this new chapter in her life. I saw the fear of the unknown in her eyes today and it killed me. I know that look and I know that feeling, but I promised her that it WILL be alright and she WILL get through this. We will form a Pink Posse around each other and pick the other one up, so nobody falls behind.

Breast Cancer Survivors are the strongest woman I know. It is a very special, prestigious group of Warriors. We look after each other and have each other's backs...cancer, you picked the WRONG DIVAS...so get READY!!

Really?

2009-11-06T05:55:00.000-08:00

Is it really November? Seriously?? The last time I looked up it was...June 1st. My life has been flying by and put in a holding pattern...all at the same time. I feel like a plane that circles above the landing strip...waiting for clearance that it's safe enough to come down. I feel like I am suspended and forging ahead at the same time-is that possible? Life is full of contradictions, but I am walking contradiction right now. I am happy, but so frustrated...physically exhausted, but mentally motivated... and while I am cancer free (AMEN), have never felt so unhealthy in my life!

Ironically, it's when I was diagnosed that I actually felt my healthiest and fittest...WRONG Danielson!

Anyhoo-the past couple of days have been fair to good. It is certainly not the roller coaster, I have spent the last 8 weeks on... This is more of a steady exhaustion. It's weird, I don't feel as SICK as I did with the other phase, but I feel more side effects from the chemo...headaches, upset stomach, acid reflux, extreme tiredness. It's more prolonged and I definitely run out of steam real fast. The good news is that I am UPRIGHT, not in the bed Fred, and able to work some. I have 2 weddings tomorrow and I am looking forward to seeing my Brides and working with my Kelly and Elizabeth. Will spend the rest of the weekend taking it EASY!

I have to say, that with the money that was raised at the Spa event, we were able to put a significant dent in our medical debt! We have a file folder full of many many bills- some big, some small...it was a very emotional "pow wow" as Rhett and I sat down to write these bills out. It was an even better feeling dropping them off in the mail box. We were moved and continue to be moved. As cheesy as this sounds (and boy does it...) it was a bill that love paid and when you spend money that someone else raised for you with their own 2 hands...trust me, it cashes differently! We are so grateful and appreciative of the help we have received, every dollar is noticed and every dollar has made a difference!

A few funny's for you...the other day I noticed Lexi was quiet (never good, especially with her)...so I called out to her, "Lexi...what are you doing?" Nothing... "Lexi, where are you sugar?"

Nothing....uh oh, not good! So a few seconds later, I see her gliding down the stairs in her full Princess Ensemble, hair done (okay mullet combed), FULL make up...saying, "I being YOU Mommy- I look pretty like you Mommy! But my hair's not knocking out, I not bald like you. I pretty like you with my lipstick!"

Lord have mercy...now she is an outright mess, but there was NO WAY I could get mad at her for digging through my make up. I mean THAT apple didn't fall far from the tree! Rhett and I were laughing so hard at her, and she is actually pretty good with putting make up on. Look out, she'll have me out of business in a few years!

The other funny was with my Cameron. He is always rubbing and kissing my head...well, the other day he was rubbing my head and I said, "Hey Cam, do you think Mommy's hair is growing back at all?" He said, "Well no Momma, your hair's not growing back, but you are growing a CACTUS back there!" Apparently the back of my head felt like a cactus to him (and it does, not smooth like you would think...to me it feels like Velcro-but hey, it helps keep my scarves on!!).

How funny is he? I love him and am amazed in the big picture how well both of my kids seem to be doing in all of this. It's tough and we try to laugh alot, I just hope one day we will all move past this, way past this into a life where there aren't so many tired days, sick days...a time where we can all look back and say ...remember how we got through that year? Life is good, but MAN-life is really good! Amen!

Round 5 Goes to...Warrior!

2009-11-04T07:36:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay on the information highway! Monday was a wash, yesterday I spent catching up while pacing myself (is that an oxymoron?)...slow and steady! Then today, I took Cameron to school and have been working in the office. I thought before I enjoy a walk in the fresh cool air, I would blog the latest...

Well, Monday was actually alright! It wasn't a day at the spa, but it wasn't too bad! Dad and Tricia took me for my first Taxol treatment (number 5 in the line up...11 more total to go). I braced myself for he side effects to take over and thank goodness they were minimal! Thank you Lord!!! I don't think I have ever been so out of it during treatment (maybe not such a bad thing right?)...I had the regular Ativan, Decadron (sp?-steroid), and IV Benedryl, plus anti meds...all before the actual chemo treatment of Taxol and Avastin (clinical trial drug I may or may not be getting, we don't know yet...). I came home very tired and slept the rest of the day, my drip was still longer than I thought it would be. I think we were there from 9:30am and I got home around 2:30 (drip time was about 10am-2pm)-but it still beats the other 6 hour treatment ANYDAY! They have to go slow and steady to monitor you closely...which I am OKAY with!

I woke up Tuesday feeling good enough to walk 2 miles (although I was pretty tired afterwards). It felt good to get my blood flowing and to be outside on a gorgeous day. After what felt like 3 weeks of lockdown, I needed to be out! I felt a bit like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music when she is out in the open field, arms open, singing...oh heck, what was she singing? (Chemo brain kickin' in...) Whatever Julie Andrews would sing was what I felt like. It was bliss to feel this good after treatment. This is as close to good as I have come in a long time...one day we will get it all back to plain and simple amazing days, but for now we will take "good". I will feel great and have my regular energy back-one day! I had not slept a complete hour the night before due to the steroids and I woke up puffy, red, and splotchy...but I still didn't feel like I had felt before. I was so relieved. I will take this business anyday over the RED Devil junk...I am so glad those days are behind me. I know I have a ways to go and will be celebrating that after 3 more treatments that I will be half way done (hey a victory, is a victory right?)! I have already made it past a huge milestone of being done with the roughest 8 weeks, now it's time to start crossing off this new 12 weeks phase. It should take me right up until the end of January, then we will have radiation (which we don't even have to think about right now).

So rejoice in the small victories!

Thank you for the continued prayers, messages, love, and support...it is a long,long road but you all remind me many times over of why I know I can make this journey. For I am never alone, never alone...in the walk.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1...Blast Off!

2009-11-01T16:06:00.000-08:00

Okay..tomorrow kicks off Round 5 marking the beginning of Phase 2!

I am done with the Red Devil (thank the Lord), and it's on to 12 weeks of Taxol (new chemo cocktail).

I called Friday to make sure all was in order for my meds and anti-meds (from an insurance stand point the nurses have to call ahead for pre-approval every time) and they assured me, we are set. All I can say is that I will give you 1 guess who WON'T be doing treatment tomorrow if she doesn't have her anti-meds....moi'!!!! Warrior Woman I am, crazy I am NOT!

(Although the jury may still be out on that one).

I am not totally sure what to expect and I have a list of questions when I meet with Lisa and Dr. Frank prior to hook up. I have been told, that it is better than the 8 weeks I just had, that the side effects aren't as bad and that my drip time is a bit shorter. Can I get an AMEN in the house!

I pray they are correct, I love how most of the Dr.s that tell you what to expect have not ever had chemo themselves (but I have to say, so far they have been on track)...everybody responds differently

(so I try not to listen to too many stories unless they have had the exact chemo cocktail as me...).

I am nervous though...anytime I start something new, I am apprehensive (of course). I hope that I respond well to the new treatment and that it works. This is the phase that could turn my nails black and that I could suffer some permanent nerve damage (especially in my hands...hello I am a make up artist!) As much as I think it would be cool to know how to paint with your toes, I don't think I would get many bookings that way! So please say prayers that all goes very well tomorrow. My counts need to be up enough and I am ready to start crossing these 12 weeks OFF my calender!

We had a wonderful sermon in church this morning and I found myself nodding my head YES a good bit. I wanted to share some of what I know to be true...we were studying chapters from Acts on learning from the death of a Spirit filled man. Now, I have always thought that I was blessed enough to get it...however, I know that now to mean I was Spirit filled enough to get IT...abundant blessing and assurance. Spirit filled people can find peace when others are in turmoil. Spirit filled people can also see things, that other's cannot see. Our contentment often depends on our comfort level...the question is- can we trust God enough to be content when our comfort level is threatened? I have to think, if God is for us, than who or what can be against us? Not sickness, not poverty, not even one enemy can stand up against our Lord and win.I don't know about you, but I want Him (and heaven)on my side. When you think about heaven, it changes your perspective on earth today.

One of my best friends and I were talking about heaven the other day and we both agreed...we can't imagine anyone walking through this life without the belief there is a heaven. I mean, there are people I know that believe that this is it (sorry to sound a little like Michael Jackson), but it is real and it is their truth...they think life here on earth is it, that there is no heaven. While I don't stand in judgement of them, I am glad I disagree. I know there is a place for me in heaven and while I don't feel ready to go (not really my call anyway), I am at peace that I don't need to get things right...they are already right.

Anyway, I guess why I am even saying this out loud (?)...is the only way I can make sense of all this and the only way I can yet again, walk through that door tomorrow... is to know this deep in my bones. I am not just saying this to convince myself, it is something I already know and can feel. It is a good feeling despite the bundle of nerves I will be feeling. Is it possible to be nervous and feel peace all at the same time? It is...I have been down this road before.

On the last note for the evening...I want everyone to know that for every prayer that is spoken for me, I am praying 10 fold. I am trying to learn to be the best Pray Warrior. It takes time and effort and discipline.

I am not perfect in prayer, but I promise to pratice.

I do want you to now that if I say I am praying for you...I REALLY am!

Hope you all have a wonderful week, this Warrior will check in with you later!

What Cancer Cannot Do...

2009-10-29T17:09:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this beautiful poem just today, surprised that I hadn't seen it yet. It is short, but powerful...author unknown.

What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited ...

It cannot cripple love,

It cannot shatter hope,

It cannot corrode faith,

It cannot eat away at peace,

It cannot destroy confidence,

It cannot kill friendship,

It cannot shut out memories,

It cannot invade the soul,

it cannot reduce eternal life,

It cannot quench the spirit,

It cannot lessen the power

of the resurrection.

It is my hope and prayer that I can really know this, remember this, and can feel this even on my darkest day. I pray for others to know this and when they can't...look up.

Look towards the Lord for reminders and reassurance. I know without a doubt who and what will carry me through every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day...

This has been a very "trying" 3 weeks... and I have had to look up often. The first week I had treatment and felt horrible. The second week, I developed the flu and an upper respiratory infection... again I felt horrible. This week I am still trying to fully recover, but the reality of what my life is like dodging sickness slapped me cold in the face.

This is the hard part...I can't really volunteer in Lexi's or Cameron's classroom right now, even if I was feeling strong enough-can't really go to the gym right now, even making a trip to the store has to be well thought out. I usually try and run any errand I need to run when people traffic is going to be at it's lowest. My hands are cracking do the amount of anit-bac gel I am using. We have pretty much declined on any function that will include an indoor crowd...hopefully that status will improve before the holidays.

All in all, with that being said...I am still grateful for many things. I am grateful that the warmer weather has held out (pushing the "real" flu season as far out as possible). Grateful I was well enough to speak at CSU the other day (sweetest group of gals ever), grateful that my entire family is under one roof (Cam had to go spend the night out after he accidently got the flu mister vaccine...aka LIVE virus, that I couldn't be around).

Welcome to my world, if you are in it- you have to wear a seatbelt! Buckle up baby, cause we are bringing crazy, but we are bringing it to ya with crazy love!

This Warrior Speaks Out!

2009-10-27T05:06:00.000-07:00

Hopefully, if I don't cough my way through it...I have been on lockdown for the past week to be well enough to go out and give my first speech tonight! It is for the sororities at CSU- Charleston Southern University! The girl's volleyball team is dedicating their game to me tonight in honor of BCA Month and then I am off to run my mouth a bit and hopefully make a difference somehow, even if it is just one thing in one person's life.

I was trying to imagine what I wanted to talk about and what people wanted to hear (or maybe NOT hear...statistics can be alarming). This is a younger crowd (younger than me) and I wanted whatever I said to pertain to not only them, but to anyone.

So, I drafted up an outline and roughly 1/3 is about actual Breast Cancer, the rest...about life in general. I remember my 20's...you can't really tell anyone what to do (you kinda think you know everything already at that age) and I will be lucky if one thing I say, they will really hear. So, I will keep it short, about 30 minutes and try to say some things, I would want to hear myself. I will let you know how it goes...I love public speaking, find it comfortable and rewarding, but this is different. This is much more personal- based on my life and true experience...so it has an emotional layer I am not used to when speaking in public.

Funny story, I called my Grandparents down in Huntsville yesterday (they had called to check on me over the weekend)...and I LOVE talking to them. My Mimi(second from the left in the pic above) is the sweetest most elegant woman on the face of this planet and has more class in her pinkie nail than most have in their entire body. She still stands about 5'8", wears her (Chanel)red or coral lipstick, and is more put together than Carolina Herrara herself. Then there is my funny Granddaddy(on the left in the bottom pic)...he has the funniest sense of humor and is so smart. He is always wanting to talk about the latest book he read, including the Bible...he and my Mimi both are very strong Christians who are very knowledgeable in The Word and they are always reading the Bible...always. So, yesterday when my GD said what I'm about to tell you, you will realize why it's so funny. Now, he will make no bones about the fact that he is becoming a bit more forgetful-he makes light of it and often makes fun of himself. It goes like this:

Me: Granddaddy, how are you doing?

GD: Doing alright,although I am suffering from CRS syndrome...

Me: What, what is that? Are you okay???

GD: Yes, are you sitting down, I'll tell you what it is... Can't Remember Sh**!!

Me: GRANDDADDY!!! (Followed by laughter). Well, if you can remember the ones who love you, than that's all that matters...

GD:Leslie, I can remember THE One who loves me and that's ALL that matters.(God)

Me: Well Granddaddy, between my chemo brain and your CRS, we are a perfect match for each other!

I got off the phone laughing and crying...oh, how I love my Grandparents. I miss my other Mimi who passed away my senior year of high school, she was a spitfire and her 95lb self could take anyone on any day! My other sweet Grandpoppa is still with us physically, and sometimes mentally...he has had Alzheimer's for many years now and most days he doesn't know who I am. It is heartbreaking and I can't think of a worse way to grow old...still he is strong as an ox and will probably outlive us all! I hope he knows somewhere in that noggin just how much I love him.

Love Grandparents...can't wait to be one- one day!!

Tattoos for Tatas!

2009-10-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay in posting, but I have been a bit..."under the weather". What the heck does that mean anyway? I came down with the flu on Tuesday and sure enough by Wednesday came down with an upper respiratory infection, which I think was stirring already when I went to the Drs. office -YUCK! I have been resting to the point of almost having bed sores (j/k...but my butt seems to be a bit flatter, not smaller but flatter as in pancake butt!) -with the exception of 2 days, I haven't left my stink' bed for almost 2 weeks! I think my little guy had a touch of something and sure enough, I caught the rest and then some. I am feeling much better, but still not 100%- so I am going to take it real easy this week (sounds like an Eagles song). I need to bounce back and recover, get my game back on to gear up for treatment phase 2. I think by then, my swagger will be intact enough to give this treatment thing the finger (not the middle finger)...the "Oh no you didn't" finger.

One bummer about taking it easy, is that I had to take myself off the "helper" list for the PINK INK benefit tomorrow. My friend Carol, who is also a survivor- happens to be the mother and mother in law of our good friends Adam and Katie. She is an amazing woman and has spearheaded a tattoo event to benefit The Charleston Breast Center (founded by my sweet Dr. Barron).

Sooooo...anybody up for a little PINK INK? Now, I already have a few tatts myself (including my warrior ink), plus while in treatment I can't get a tattoo due to risk of infection (I should just put myself in a bubble now), so this girl's out. However, I encourage you to put your chicken self aside, pony up the guts, and get some pink on for a great cause! Here are the details if you happen to read this and happen to be in town...

Pink Ink Tattoo Benefit @ Holy City Tattoo

Sunday October 25th 12noon-4pm

Pink Ribbon Tattoos $40.00

All Proceeds go directly to The Breast Center of Charleston

If you go, take a camera and send me photos...I will post them on the bloggie and keep them for my scrappy book!

Go for it...you can do it, PINK PINK PINK PINK INK INK INK INK!!

Tuff Enuff?

2009-10-21T07:02:00.000-07:00

Pick a hand, which one? I have good news and bad news...which one do you want first? I always take the bad news, so I have something to look forward to. We will say the"not so good" news, because trust me, bad news can be really bad and this ain't it...this is just a (mini) bump in the road.

I have the FLU! can you believe it? I was so excited about my "off", "good" week. I took Cameron to school yesterday and came home exhausted (it was 7:15am), I thought you know, when I am tired, I am just going to rest...so I did-I went back to bed. Now, I should have figured something was up, I was in a full hoodied track suit, socks, and even wooly buried under the multiple covers we have. I woke up burning up...took my temp and it was 101.5! I felt horrible! Rhett came home from work (again, poor guy) and dragged me into the Dr office...a few miserable hours later, we left with a script for high powered Tylenol and Tamiflu. Now under my current situation you have to go 'bout things differently. You have to check in with all Dr.s making sure it is fine to take what you need to take to get you well enough to recover and get back to treatment. I was also told to take it easy, rest, and to scale back on my "outings"...especially the grocery store. Twist my arm on that one...

The good news is that I don't get to start treatment this coming Monday like I was suppose to. My body has to have time to completely heal, so I don't relapse. Now, I wanted to get an extra week off, but not like this...anyway, honestly it is my own gut instinct that I need a bit more time to catch my breath and rest up before the next 12 weeks go down. All in all, God's will...will be done, one way or the other. It looks like He agreed with me on this one.

Last, but not least...I know I have said this before and it's funny, because he doesn't even read this blog (I tease him all the time about it), but my husband gets "Husband of the Decade", not just year....DECADE He has been unbelievable about everything. I jut keep saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" and he is like "For what? You can't help any of this."...I just feel horrible, he has missed so much work and has had to do everything lately. I keep telling him to visualize where it is he wants to go when we celebrate THIS being over. I don't care what it takes, I will become a street performer in order to save up enough money to take a special trip with my man after dealing with this past year...whatever it takes. He is the best and I love him so much.

That's it for now blog peeps, I am off to try and take a nap. I have gotten so many calls and emails from YOU ( many people I have never even met)...your kind words and encouragement get me through each day.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I could not be doing this without you!

Leslie's Front Line!

2009-10-19T17:41:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness today was a new and better day! Even though my Cam woke up not feeling well this morning- the sun was shining, the air was crisp and despite the rough day I had yesterday...it was a new start!

Who knows why yesterday was so tough, in spite of everything going on- I don't really have too many bad days. Whatever the reasons...I just went with it and cried myself to the point of exhaustion. I think what finally put me over the top was when found out a mutual vendor acquaintance of mine passed away due to an allergic reaction he had to a chemo treatment. It is very rare for this to happen and my heart goes out to his family, but it totally freaked me out. Treatment is so intense anyway, I second guess myself every time I have one...I certainly don't want to worry about something like this happening, especially as I start a new phase of a new cocktail.

We have missed church the past few weeks...there are reasons, but no excuses. I think, no I know it has a direct impact with how I deal with the things in my life, my attitude, my perspective. Even through tough times, I seem to be able to cope and deal MUCH better when I'm where I'm suppose to be...

I did start something that I have found helpful...everyday when I pray, I try and be direct with God with who and what I am praying for...God wants us to be specific with prayer. I find I am praying for so many people, I can get distracted at times and feel like I am going to leave something or someone out. So...I have started a prayer journal. I began by writing down what I wanted to pray for and it seems to help keep me focused. Now, I chat pretty much all day with God, but this keeps my line to line connection pretty tight.

I have to say a HUGE HUGE THANK YOU to all who turned out for the Race for the Cure! Again I was blown away...we had a group of at least 50 people. All of you showed up bright and early in the morning and we had an amazing time! Despite it being a treatment week, I felt great...our team was so awesome and it was your energy that got me through! My sister Lorie came in from Wilmington and my girl Billie came in from Hilton Head, even sweet Lindsey and Emma made it into town-I swear we had not only one of the biggest groups there, we had THE best dressed group there! Much love and big hugs to my girl Ashley Grace for heading up such a good team. There are tons of photos that were taken (go to my facebook page), but I can only figure out how to post 5 at a time on this blog...sorry! There were so many fab pics, I may have to post more later.

It was a wonderfully emotional morning and I will forever remember what it felt like to be in the survivors celebration with Billie. I am already looking forward to next year (hopefully running) and we definitely be hosting an afterparty "breakfast"!

All I can say is that Leslie's Front Line ROCKED Daniel Island! I have never been more proud than I was that day to be walking with the best group of people I have ever known.

I am throwing ya'll one big fate PINK kiss....muwahhhhhhhhhhh!

Roll the Storm Away...

2009-10-18T11:24:00.000-07:00

If I had a mood ring on right now, I think it would be black! My attitude and energy have both hit the skids. It's rolled in like a bad fog and I just need it to clear and clear soon.

I am your cup half full girl, but for some reason I am having a hard time today- in this very moment. Now, none of this makes sense...I had an amazing event thrown in our honor this past week, was feeling well enough to participate in the Race for the Cure, got through a long work day AFTER the race, had a wonderful visit with my sister and her 2 kids, AND get to have a wonderful date night with my husband tonight...(remember our Kathy Griffin tickets!!!). So what's wrooooooong with me? I feel completely agitated for whatever reason, and I have learned the hard way not to avoid feelings, suppressing them only makes things worse, and they will rear their ugly heads at some point.

I feel scattered, overwhelmed, and basically feel like screaming, "What the hell????" I am coming to find that healing begins with rest, peace, silence, and stillness...sounds on track right? Okay, well if you have 2 CRAZY kids...that is just an oxymoron. A 5 year old and 2 year old does NOT equal any of the above, do not pass GO, do NOT collect $200. I would not, repeat would not change anything. I love my kids more than anything, I am reminded everyday how hard we fought to even have them. However, I am just so tired and I am tired of being tired. These are the days I am fully aware of God's unique and profound sense of humor.

If I didn't know any better, I would say this junk is getting to me, it's wearing me down. However, I do know myself pretty well and I'm sure I will rebound and be able to shoot sunshine up my own behind tomorrow (see, even my sense of humor is tainted today!!). Well, maybe not tomorrow, but hopefully by Tuesday...

You see this is a full week for me and I guess I am feeling a little gypped(sp?), a bit robbed if you will. I was under the understanding that I had 2 weeks off in between treatment phases, NOT counting the treatment week I was in. That week was LOST, so why count it right? Soooo, that would mean my next phase starting the first Monday in November right?? WRONG! I totally have to start not tomorrow, but next Monday (26th), and the better news is I get to go EVERY week-yipppeeeee! But lucky me... guess what I get to do this week? I get to go to the hospital (with gloves and a mask on as to not pick up any unwanted visitor) to run the gamete(sp?) of tests to make sure my body, especially my heart is strong enough to keep going with treatment. I get to make sure, the meds I have survived taking so far have not done any major damage and that things look strong enough to keep on truckin'...what if they can see how broken my heart is now from all of this? Does that count? Can my heart be as strong if it's in a million pieces? I hope so, I just want to be done...D-O-N-E with all of this! I feel like it's consuming me, sucking me in a black hole. Things are supposed to "get better", but they get more frequent. I guess going in for treatment every week is gearing me up for radiation which will be every day!! UGH!

So sorry for the depressing post, but this is my raw reality and I need to just lay it down, get rid of it...so the moment no longer has me.

I have always said, "I was diagnosed with breast cancer and am undergoing treatment to insure that it never comes back". The bitter "bile"ness of it all,is that the higher the chances are of it coming back, the more aggressive the insurance treatment has to be...so I have to blow this out of the water...for GOOD! And that's just what I am doing, one painful step at a time.

So many people have written to me saying how I have encouraged them or inspired them...I wouldn't go that far (although I am grateful for the compliment), one would think it might add pressure to what I write about. Clearly you can see, this is not the case. I can apologize for the depressing blog, but what I can't apologize for is the depressing reality that creeps in some days. It is what it is and what I want to inspire people with is the ability to be honest with your thoughts and feelings and the freedom to express these things.

The freedom to know it's okay to have a dark moment, after all- it's what makes the next one even

brighter...

Serenity Sweetness!

2009-10-16T06:19:00.000-07:00

Gratitude is the memory of the heart. ~Jean Baptiste Massieu

I believe this and something that happened yesterday will forever be stamped in the memory of my heart.

You see, when one is diagnosed with a serious illness, there is a domino effect...emotional, physical, and financial. Nobody likes to think or talk of any of these, but each hold their own weight for the "fighter" to bare. Often, when it comes to the financial, we have nothing left to give and it is the very last thing that you want or can even think about.

My husband and I have been and are very blessed. We are your typical middle class, double income family, who have been able to provide a good life for us and our children. Like a good friend once said to me, we have"Most of what we need and little of what we want".

When we were diagnosed on June 1st, we sat down and wrote a budget to allow for our new adjustments. I knew I would not be able to work during the summer and would have to share my work load for the rest of the year, possibly even for a good part of 2010. We took into accord the fact that if I don't work, I don't make money and made provisions to make the money we did have stretch to cover our cost of living. People have been generous in helping us in many ways, so we made it work.Then came the medical bills...

Now, let me say that we as a family are blessed enough to have very good medical insurance. We pay alot of money out of pocket a month to be covered, but here's what they don't tell you...what they don't cover...even with great coverage there is a ton of dough coming out of pocket!

You have radiologist, pathologist, lab test, breast dr., reconstructive dr., oncologists, anaesthesiologist, hospital bills, medicines and copays! Just to give you an idea, my 1 night stay in the hospital for my mastectomy was $40,000...and that was just hospital bills. We have met our out of pocket max for the year, but mind you I have at least 6 months of major treatment left (in 2010), then a few years of prolong treatment. Not to mention we pay out right now roughly $500.00 a month in meds and copays.

Anyway, I am rambling on to give you an idea of what middle class America deals with during a medical crisis. It could always be worse, but it could always be better.

Speaking of better, that's just what some friends of ours did(make it better) by hosting a Spa Event at Serenity. Every year Annette and Candice do something in honor of breast cancer awareness month. This year they, along with their grateful staff decided to sponsor someone locally...US!

Now I met Miss "Polly Pocket" which is what we call her because she is literally the size of my foot, through my good friend Kristie and one of my oldest and dearest friends Ashley. She is amazingly sweet and we hit it off right away.

She told me about this event they were working on in my honor, but I had NO idea what it had steamrolled into!! Within a week, they had it on Lowcountry Live and had a live shot during prime time. It was a treatment week for me, so I was curled up in the bed for most of the day yesterday, just praying I felt well enough to make an appearance. I didn't care what it took, I was showing up!

They kept calling me all day telling me how many people were showing up for their spa treatments...mind you their staff was donating 100% of the proceeds to our medical fund. Rhett picked me up about 3pm and I managed to go for a while and I was blown away...there was not one parking space, the place was packed!! I was in such shock, and it continued to be like that until around 9pm! There were people lined up out the door waiting to get an appointment!

You spend most of your life working events and doing charity benefits for other people and organizations...it is very rare that you would find yourself on the "other" side of things. It is a unique feeling for sure and we feel so blessed that we had people who would want to do this for us, but then people who would want to show up...words cannot express how this has been stamped into our hearts. Rhett and I are still left shaking our heads and know that this has set the bar high for us to pay it forward somehow, someday.

Serenity Spa Divas...thank you- thank you- thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.

This act of kindness has very little to do with money, but everything to do with the heartfelt compassion you have shown me and my family.

We will be feeling the love from you all forever!

Red Devil vs. Pink Warrior

2009-10-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

Round 4 goes to....PINK Warrior!

(Again- barely)

Well, this is the second post...I accidently posted a blog earlier on my make up blog and had to delete it-oops!

I can say that last night to date has been the worst, today has been off and on, so say many prayers that tomorrow is tolerable. You would never believe this but there was a mix up with my meds due to insurance coverage and an accidental oversite at my oncologist office. Last time I recall not feeling well at all during round 3 and it was a pretty tough week. Well, it started happening again yesterday during round 4. I ask my beloved and favorite nurse Judi, what was wrong...I knew I didn't feel right, so she looked into it right away. It's kind of a long and confusing story, but in a nutshell I didn't receive any anti meds, day 1 of round three...and it was headed for repeat during round 4! After several failed attempts with my insurance, the nurses ended up giving me something else to replace the emend. Nothing like being mid treatment to find that out, and then the meds didn't kick in until much too late. When I got home I felt horrible, and cried and prayed to just fall alseep-which is what I finally did. Can you imagine?? You usually get double dosages of anti meds on the first day, and I didn't get any round 3, barely on round 4!

Where is my chemo cape?

The wonderful news is that I MADE IT! Yes, I made it past the roughest of treatments! They don't call it the red devil for nothing and from what I understand-you can only have 4 doses of that stuff in a lifetime...well I am DONE baby DONE with that.Trust me when I am feeling good enough, I will celebrate ending that chapter (I am mentally slamming the book right now!)

I met the sweetest gal yesterday. Her name is Deb and she is a mother of 2 (5 year old and an 8 month old). She was diagnosed 1 month ago with breast cancer and was in for her first treatment yesterday. My awesome nurse Lisa asked me if I would maybe talk with her, of course I said...I would love to meet her. I was hoping we could sit next to each other and luckily it worked out! I swear you would have thought there was a party going on up there...it was packed (to the point where my girl Steph and world's best mother in law MomJoyce had to sit on the floor). Anyway, I got to hold Debs hand and tell her what a great job she was doing. She was being so brave, she really was. I told her she was doing way better than I did my first time...I looked like a chiuaua on speed! I have been thinking of her non stop and hope to check in on her later this week.

It makes me so darn mad that it has called upon yet another family. A young family in it's prime...this has to end.

I can't believe I actually read today on MSN the question, "Is Pink overdone?"...seriously???? Whoever wrote that article (first of all I am giving you the ole California howdy), second...you must have never been remotely touched by someone affected by a breast cancer diagnoses. As far as I am concerned, paint the whole world PINK...as long as there is no cure, there's not enough pink!

One last thought...my girls Ashley Grace and Annette are going to be on Lowcountry Live tomorrow raising awareness for Thursday's Benefit at Serenity. I am so humbled by the work that has been put into this and again grateful beyond any words I can express.

Thank you- thank you- thank you for everything.

Lots of love and peace out fellow warriors!

Truckin' For A Cause

2009-10-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

Well, just when I thought I have seen it all...this is awesome. This firetruck is putting out more than fires, they are stomping out breast cancer...all with a pink firetruck and a high heel!!

I love this...my awesome friends Mike and Kristie ride a good bit and yesterday Mike joined in on the action for a great cause! This PINK firetruck travels the country via police escort throughout the month of October to help raise awareness on Breast Cancer! As it comes to a city near you, you can jump on your bike and follow to the next stop on the map...how cool! Mike tagged along and cruised through 2 destinations over this past weekend...he was even "cooler", okay sweet to think about putting my name on the truck...check it out!!

My goal one day is to ride with them on my very own PINK bike, raising just enough hell and even more awareness for a cause literally so close to my heart!

Keep Rockin' for the TaTa's

Countdown to Komen!

2009-10-08T18:35:00.000-07:00

I am so excited...we are almost a week out from the Komen Race! Today I went and picked up our Team's Race Packets...Leslie's Front Line whahoooooooo! We are going to have close to 50 people on our team, which the thought of makes me want to cry (in a good way)-it's just overwhelming to think of all of us walking together for this cause. I happened to look at the list last night and noticed I didn't even know some of the people who were walking on our team and didn't know some of the people who had made donations! I was floored and again, it made me cry...jeez, dry it up already right? I can't help it...I am a sap these days.

Anyway, I took Cameron with me because I wanted to show him where the race was going to be. I know for him, it could possibly be very overwhelming the day of the event.(Like Mother like Son). It already looked amazing, they have this HUGE banner hanging from the Family Circle Cup that you can see from the bridge and all these Pink banner's hung from every street post in honor of people who have fought the fight. It was very touching, I got a dose of what the race might be like. Then...

Then I go to the pick up center and most of these volunteers are Survivors...again very touching. Now, I was told since the day of your diagnoses, even if you are currently a fighter-you are STILL considered a SURVIVOR...so I am one of them, they are just a little bit ahead of me. :)

So...we are going through the box of gear and I thought I heard someone behind me ask about "Leslie" and "Leslie's Front Line"...well, I didn't recognize who it was! On our way out, I walked over and asked if she was looking for me. She said, "Yes", that she was a neighbor of a friend of a friend who had been following my story and wanted to walk with us this year for the race...she and 10 other people!!! I was floored (again) and my jaw dropped! How sweet was it of these people who didn't even know me to team up with US to do the race? It took all I had to to start crying in front of her (again). Fran, if you are reading this...it was such a pleasure meting you and I am flat out honored that you all will be joining us next Saturday...I cannot wait!

I am prepared for next Saturday to be a celebration, but also emotional. There are going to be so many people there who's lives have been touched by breast cancer..all walking for a cause and a cure...ready to KICK CANCER'S BUTT!

Bring it people...I CANNOT wait!

MUWAHHHHH!

What are you made of?

2009-10-06T12:39:00.000-07:00

Sugar and spice and everything nice?

Mmmm, some days I suppose. It got me thinking, what am I made of?

I know that my past does not define my future, that what I do doesn't make me who I am, and that I am the only one responsible for making a difference not only in my own life-but in the lives of others.

With each passing day, my vision is clearer and clearer of what I want to do with my life and how I want to spend my time.

Tomorrow is not promised and no matter if I have one day left or 70 more years...I want to spend that time making a difference in the lives around me.

My family always comes first, so I want to do my best in learning how I can become the best Mom and the best Wife. I got a long way to go...I hope I can figure this one out at least before my kids leave the house!

I also want to learn to be a better friend. I have often thought I was a pretty good friend and that I would probably "friend" myself. However, I have been shown the most amazing compassion and support, it has been mind blowing...from life long friends and total strangers. It has made me question my own limits on how to be a good, no-GREAT friend. I want to go beyond "measuring up". I want to reset the bar!

I want to become a better Christian. I want to connect more with God and learn about Him, in turn I believe I will learn more about myself and the direction He wants me to take.

I want to be a better servant to my Sisters...meaning all the women out there who have been touched by Breast Cancer. I am praying on what path God wants me to take in this particular chapter.I would love to some how combine what I know and love with how I can make a difference. I feel like certain doors are opening themselves up for opportunity, but in reality, I know if I don't have His blessing...nothing will work out the way it needs to work out. Remember when Purpose Driven Life was really popular? Rick Warren did an amazing job at bringing attention to what drives and motivates ones actions. I am seeking direction and will cultivate my time by praying and listening to what He feels will be next. I know I have been given a voice(okay- aka loud mouth) and the ability to feel comfortable speaking to people...so we will see what's in store for me and the future.

I do know this, that my life is just beginning and that the work I need to do has just started.

So...I would consider I am made up of many things, but mainly- hope, inspiration, encouragement, and a tremendous amount of faith.

More Blessings than Burdens

2009-10-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

Oh blah dee, oh blah da...life goes onnnnn-sha la la la life goes on. If you know this song, you are showing your age right? I used to love Corky, Patti La Pone and that show (although for the life of me I can't remember the darn name!).Possibly "Life Goes On"??? Forgive my chemo brain, I'm sure it's just a google touch away, but I would rather spend my time blogging.

Anyway, life does go on right? You're darn skippy it does. I have said before-cancer or no cancer, there are still things that need your attention that don't know the meaning of "come back another day"...your kids will still act a fool out in public, bills still need to be paid, and the trash still needs to be taken out.

This weekend was no exception and in a way, I am grateful. I have had many a conversation about being a busy mother of 2 young (busy) children going through this particular chapter in my life...we all agree it's a mixed bag. It is tougher in some ways, but in many ways it's a distraction of sorts. It definitely forces you to take your mind of "things".

I have to say before I get into my weekend that I am so grateful...my Sunday "Golden Hour" came as it usually does and about 2pm today, I was feeling like myself again! Other than being a bit tired, I was feeling pretty good...AMEN (if you hang out with me, you will learn to say that word a good bit!).

I wish I could say the same for my poor Cameron. Let's back up though...Friday night, we tried taking the kids to get their Halloween Costumes with Mimi and then to supper...one word-DISASTER! They were acting crazy, running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I didn't have the energy to keep up with them (thankfully Rhett did) because I promise you, if someone had tried to run off with my kids, they would have brought them BACK! On to Saturday, it was a pretty good day for me (I had to work all day and was so wiped I crashed by 9pm), but apparently Rhett had a different kind of day. I called on my way home to see how their day was going and heard that Cameron had locked Rhett and Lexi out of the house (like on purpose). Rhett had to climb the roof to try and get Cameron's attention (who was in his room watching a dvd) and Cam was NOT interested in unlocking the door! What?? Poor Rhett, somehow they managed to get in, but somebody was in TROUBLE! Then Sunday rolls around and I wake up at 6am to Cameron throwing up...poor buddy, he was pitiful. The hardest part about that was not being able to climb in the bed to take care of him. I simply cannot face sickness head on and had to try and keep some distance. The good news is that he is feeling better, in time enough for Lexi to get an ear infection...Rhett- aka...husband of the year will be taking her in the morning!

My whole point of this is to say, that YES, life goes on and is moving all around us. We are faced everyday with challenges, but at the end of the day...I am grateful, grateful for so much. I have more blessing than I do burdens and I realize this-even in the darkest hour.

Speaking of blessings, I have to post this because it will be here before you know it. I felt a bit weird posting something that will be in my honor, but realized the services that are being offered are wonderful, from a wonderful spa, at a wonderful price. People have asked for the details, so here you go...xo

Serenity Spa is having a Passionately Pink Spa Event October 15th from 1-7pm! They are discounting their fabulous services and hosting a party with the proceeds going towards our medical bills! We are extremely grateful and words cannot express what this means to me and my family. The entire month of October is so busy with many functions and events, but this one is being sponsored just for us...we are still left speechless knowing how blessed we are with the love and support we have received.

Oct. 15th Serenity's Passionately Pink Event 1-7pm
You are cordially invited to attend Serenity’s Passionately Pink “Open House” on Thursday, October 15th from 1-7pm.

During this event, we’ll have drinks and hors d'oeuvres plus we’ll be offering the following services at discount prices with 100% of the proceeds going to Leslie Moore & Breast Cancer Awareness.

Shampoo cut and style $25

Pink ribbon in your hair (temporary pink hi-light) $10

Brow wax $7 Lip wax $7

Mini Pedi $20 Mini Mani $10

Hand Paraffin dip $5 Nail art $ 5 and up

Mini facials $35

Shoulder & neck Massages $20

This is a wonderful opportunity to support a great cause and get some fantastic services at a phenomenal price! Even if you don’t wish to get a service that evening, your donations will still be appreciated. Donations will be accepted throughout the month of October. All of us here at Serenity are passionate about this cause and we hope you will be too! Thank you so much for your support and we look forward to seeing you on October 15th!

843.851.1810

Warrior Writing ...is on the wall!

2009-10-02T06:18:00.000-07:00

The week has come and gone! I am finally rebounding a bit from treatment and I am so looking forward to next week when I can catch my breath!

We have entered the month of October which is now my favorite month...

Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

My calender looks like it exploded PINK! There are so many events this month and I am tickled pink to try and go to as many as I can. I will be posting links with information each week, so get out there, get your pink on and make a difference!

SUPPORT The Tatas!

Last week I had the pleasure of meeting Kristen and Grace(who also took the photo above) from our local paper. The only thing not right about that photo, is that my cross should be the biggest thing on there...NOT my port! Oh well, my cross trumps ports anyday!! AMEN! They were so sweet and kind, to spend time with me. I enjoyed their company, but more importantly...I wanted to get the word out about Breast Cancer. They did a beautiful job capturing the emotion from my stand point, but enough about me...I wanted to say or write something that might be helpful to someone else. I wanted to copy and share the original letter I sent in to the paper. Everyday, I am reminded of practicing what I preach...

The more involved I get into treatment, the less it becomes about me. I am more determined than ever to use my story to make someone else's journey easier. Anything I can do to help prepare the road for them, is my mission.

I also wanted to include the video link from their web site. Grace and Kristen did a great job showing the reality of what it's like to be diagnosed with breast cancer. Girls, thank you for your voice and for honoring me and the other Warriors who belong in my PINK sorority.Great job!

Someone once said to me,"Leslie...I know it doesn't seem like this now, but there IS life after cancer!". I will hold onto that thought and look forward to the day when I can write about THAT!

Until then, I will write what I know now...

http://www.postandcourier.com/videos/2009/oct/02/910/

Practice What You Preach

Being a make up artist, my motto has always been "Look good, feel great!".It has been my professional goal to empower women through proper make up artistry how to achieve looking good from the outside. It has been my personal goal to encourage women to look from within to realize where their true beauty lies-from the inside. Sometimes you just need new perspective or a new pair of eyes to show you the way, but there is always something special and beautiful there to begin with. How one looks is important, but how one feels is more important. I have always practiced this motto with my clients, never realizing in a million years I would be taking my own advice.

Being diagnosed with cancer, undergoing grueling treatment, losing my breasts and hair certainly had me questioning everything I had always known and preached. Could I really look within and realize what is most important? Could I dig down deep and really love the person God made me to be...with or without the shell?

No mascara or lipstick could ever give me that answer.

Cancer has taken alot from me, but it has also given me a lot. Just like I had hoped to give my clients new perspective, cancer has given me new perspective. It has allowed me to see myself from the inside out again. It has allowed me to be less judgmental, more forgiving. It has allowed me to face the face I see in the mirror and accept what God has chosen to bless me with.
Cancer has taught me a lot, but it has taught me how to be my own student and practice what I preach.

Round #3 Goes to....Warrior!

2009-09-30T13:56:00.000-07:00

Round 3 goes to Warrior....but I can honestly say barely!

This round starting kicking my butt during treatment, which is rare! I felt horrible on Monday evening, had a bit of a pick me up Tuesday morning and afternoon...then things started down hill Tuesday night. Today was very tough, but about an hour ago, I had a surge of energy!

Praise the Lord!

People asked me to describe what a treatment week feels like and it is very difficult. No matter how bad you feel, the hard part is...you know it's coming. I respond to every round differently, not one has felt the same. All I know is to gear up, hunker down...GAME ON! There are moments that I feel so bad, that I have to chant in my head,"Tough, Loved, Strong, Prayed For..." or "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthen me". I practice deep breathing through many waves of nausea, beg to drift off to sleep, and let the angels take over.

Keep in mind, they are still saying I am tolerating treatment well, my counts are good, and that all of my symptoms or side effects are normal. Oooookay!

People are so sweet though, they time mail or messages, or even little care packages to arrive on Wednesdays. The thoughtfulness always makes me cry (I am always so weepy with these meds), but in the end...it all makes me smile and feel so loved. I am so grateful for every gesture. I could spend the rest of my life writing thank you cards and still not ever be done, but know that I do thank each and every one of you for everything. You all have your own lives and have many other responsibilities. Thank you for taking the time out to take such good care of me.

A strange, but touching thing happened to me and my sister in law this past Friday night. We were approached by a woman in her early 40's who asked if I had cancer. She explained to me that her Mother was a 2 time survivor and was currently in treatment (and not doing well). She also explained that she was an only child and that it was just her and her Mother and though she loved her Mother greatly, the burden of caring for her all alone was starting to take it's toll...on both of them. She asked me if there was anything I could say or share with them(her Mom was with herthat night) that would be helpful to get past some of the pain they were experiencing. Wow...I didn't know what to say. I can't honestly recall what I ended up saying to them. I just kept assuring them that they were not alone and that they didn't have to be miserable in their battle against cancer. I encouraged them to try and find the blessings, the love, even the humor down each path of the journey. Not every day can be a great day, but they certainly don't have to all be bad either.

They asked me what support group I was going to...this broke my heart. I have such an amazing ring of soldiers that I don't attend an actual support group. I gave these ladies my contact information and begged for them to call me. I didn't know where they should go, but I said I would darn well find out...NOBODY should have to fight this fight alone. It was a very sobering experience that broke my heart and opened it all at once. Dina and Nancy...you are out there somewhere...God Bless you both, you are NOT alone.

Well, this has about worn me out for the day, but my fingers were itching to type, my brain to blog. I had to include a recent photo my photographer son took of me the other day! He is getting to be pretty good behind the camera. He is also diggin Mom's new "do"...he just keeps rubbing my head and kissing my head. He is so sweet...the only problem is that he keeps wanting to me to show random strangers my "pretty noggin" as he calls it...IN PUBLIC!! There we are, just minding our own business and Cameron just whips off my scarf!! He is unphased and I love that about him.

On a last note, I was thinking about how weepy I have been lately and began thinking of a weeping willow tree and how beautiful but sad they seem to me. Then I started thinking, wait a minute...weeping willows don't break do they? They bend, but don't break!! I am like a weeping willow some days...sad, bending to the curve, but UNBREAKABLE! Next time I see a weeping willow, I will take a moment to stop and pray for all who have been tested by the bend of the curve...but remain unbreakable!

Twas the Night Before Treatment...

2009-09-27T16:40:00.000-07:00

And all through the house...

Well, here we go, the night before round 3. Can't say I am excited, but I look at it this way...it's one more I get to cross off my list. I will be so grateful when I have more behind me than in front of me. However, I take it one treatment at a time and after tomorrow- I will be one more round away from the end of Phase 1!

I had a great weekend! I had a fun girl's night Friday night and got to see some of my good friends I hadn't seen in a while. Then had a wedding Saturday at the beach, margarita's with my other goodie gal pals, and then a Pirate Party with the kids. I was wiped and in the bed by 9pm. Today, we over slept a bit (through church), then ran a few errands, and now we are home...somehow today flew by. The day before treatment always does...darn it!

Ken, my brother in law is taking me to treatment tomorrow. As fuzzy as it is, I am very much looking forward to our drip date. Once I get there I am usually okay, but I always "go" kickin and screaming-every time.The girls from the paper will be there just to snap a few shots of me talking to sweet Dr. Frank and the nurses-before treatment. I am looking forward to seeing them again.

I have booked a couple of speaking engagements for the month of October! I am excited, but also nervous. I really want to talk about what will be helpful, not only to other breast cancer warriors, but to anyone else fighting their own battle. Life gets in the way and sometimes you just need different perspective...I know I do! I love the thought of
Live the Life Your Fighting For!

It got me thinking of some of the questions they asked me from the paper. I knew some of my answers even before I spoke, but a few were revelations to me.

How has Cancer changed me? I would say, it has slowed me down. Made me more appreciative to the simplest things. I think I have become a better wife and mother (most days). Time is sweeter, moments are more meaningful. I feel I have become kinder, more compassionate. My faith is stronger, I seek the Lord more. I seek purpose more.I listen and pay attention more.

What's been the hardest thing about Cancer? This one was tough, it depends on the day. I would say in a nut shell...letting go of control. Not worrying about things I cannot control and to accept the way things just sometimes are. There is a Don Henley song I adore called "Learn to be Still". It speaks volumes to me, as it has be hard learning to be still. It is still not easy for me all the time, especially when I am trying to make up for the week I tend to be out not feeling well. I have to catch up from the week before and work the week I am in! Somehow, I have learned to not sweat the small stuff so much and to make more time to allow peace and quiet in my life.

What am I fighting for? To be here for my kids, my husband...my family and friends. I am fighting to be around long enough to really make a difference in the lives around me. In some way, that's the only way I can make sense of any of this. If I can come out of this maybe helping other people, then maybe it will be worth it.No, I know it will be worth it! This is why I will show up tomorrow.

These are just some of the questions I ask myself. I am in deep thought a good bit of my time. I wonder what God has in store for me. What He has to reveal about me that He already knows, that I do not. As we get older, we are supposed to know ourselves better. I feel like I am just now getting to the heart of the matter with many things.
Maybe if I learn to be still, listen- really listen, and look up for my answers...a new light will be cast down on me and I can learn to make a difference in my own life.

Say a prayer things go well tomorrow and that I can hang tough for the rest of the week.
Thank you in advance!
God bless you all and I will check back in with ya soon!
xo-Cojackita

Meet "Precious Peterson"!

2009-09-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

It is customary if you EVER wear a wig or weave, that you have to give her a name. Yes Mary...a name! Every show I ever did, all of my wigs, weaves, and falls had their own personality and own name. Soooo, the story here goes that I have one wig already and another one on order. Both very different, one long and lighter-the other short and dark!

Now the primary reason for these was for work! I don't really wear them unless I am working a wedding. Other than that, I am in a hat or scarf...most comfortable here folks. When I was little, I used to have to tape my ears back to try and get them to lay down (damn Crawford ears!). Well, maybe if I wear these scarves for long enough, my ears will not stick out so much-ha! Seriously, while I love to accessorize more than CoCo Chanel, by the end of the day I have such a headache-I can't wait to rip whatever I am wearing off of my head!

Bald = Free!

So, now introducing....Precious Peterson! Precious is my drag name (let me clear my throat) and Peterson is actually after my sister's dear friend who I adore (you know who you are). I don't know this gal all that well, but she has made me laugh with her comments and her love and support mean the world to me! I hope you take this as a compliment N....she(wig) is special to me and needed a special name! xo

Today was exciting for me! I was honored enough to have a story picked for the Charleston area paper...The Post and Courier. They are featuring breast cancer stories throughout the month of October-Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Well, they also called to do an interview and taping for a separate feature. I am on board for anything I can do that may possibly help someone else that is going through what I am going through...sign me up! So, they came today! They were great, but I somehow managed to ramble on for 2 HOURS!! What? Sorry about that guys...I feel bad for who ever has to edit THAT! Anyway, it was so much fun-hanging with these 2 ladies (almost busted open the wine)...I hope they got what they needed for their story and I will keep you all posted on when it will be out! They took a lot of photos today, but I took one of my own posted above!

I was just excited I got to wear one of my new scarves!

Angels Come In All Shapes and Sizes!

2009-09-23T18:49:00.000-07:00

The past couple of days have flown by...feeling good comes at a price of time going too fast I guess. It is crazy just how bad I feel one week and how good I can feel the next...amazing really.

Wanted to put a shout out to all pink peeps still wanting to SIGN UP for the

KOMEN Race for the Cure, we are so close to reaching our goal!! There are many people walking who haven't signed up yet and I think the last day is the 28th...so, come on and join the PARTY!

Remember, all you have to do is go on the site, click on find a team, plug in

LESLIE's FRONT LINE,

and sign up!! We are going to have so much fun-knee high socks, pink wigs, and all....

I have had the pleasure of getting in some angel baby lovin' lately...my sweet niece Chappelle and sugar pie Tristan (Julie and Holt's baby boy). Nothing like a little bit of baby love to make me feel better. I just had to post their picture-go ahead, eat 'em with a spoon!

On a different note...yes, tonight's blog is very random. Between my ADD and chemo brain, I am all over the place! Anyway, it's my blog and I can blah blah blah, all over the place if I want to right?

Now even since the days of the her reality show "Bobby and Whitney", Whitney Houston has still not stopped me from being a fan. Even as I watch her train wreck, I have always been pulling for her. I happen to catch her on Oprah week before last and she looked and sounded amazing! She performed this song and I had to post..."I Didn't Know My Own Strength". Very inspiring, go on with yo bad self Whitney, come on back with ya come back!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCoSng3yCwc

Love,

Baldie

Reason For the Season!

2009-09-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

"Reason for the season"...usually means Christmas right? Well for me, I guess Christmas is coming early...

Now as I have said before- I will try and start my day off with at least 5 things I am grateful for..here you go:

1.Grateful I am feeling better than last week (hallelujah)...it took me until Sunday afternoon to crawl out of the week I had before.

2.Grateful that I was able to take Cameron to school and Lexi to dance class (simple pleasures, I used to to for granted).

3.Grateful for the bit of focus I had to get some work done in the office today.

4. Grateful for my turkey and tomato sandwich (something I have been unable to eat since treatment...protein or tomato!). I swear, I will be fine if I never look at a cracker or banana again, they are only things I could keep down (or up for that matter) last week.

5. Grateful for the my new pink leopard scarf! It is really hard to find cute scarves that aren't too big or too small for my noggin-this one is just right!

So, moving along in thought...I was having an interesting conversation with someone today about timing and seasons.

How there is purpose and timing in everything. You don't have to be a business owner to understand this, but I think especially if you are a business owner, you realize a few things about "season".

There is a season to sow, a season to HARVEST, and a season to reap. I have been the queen of doing all these things (at one time mind you), sometimes NOT the best strategy. I have come to find that life isn't always better if it's faster. Busy does not mean productive, and I can promise you-your "To Do List" is going nowhere fast. Guess what, the minute you can cross something off your list, it is replaced with something else.

I have had to shift my mind set with many things lately. Slowing down and letting go of control has been a huge hurdle on my recent track, probably for longer than I want to admit. Letting go feels like when you raise your hands high above your head at the top of the roller coaster and really let go.Your body can't make up it's mind whether it wants to release ,puke, or just scream.I am trying to learn my lessons here and figure out why all this is happening to begin with...was it to possibly slow me down, to release the firm grip of control? I mean, seriously...I was enjoying life, but it was flying at the gentle speed of MACH 10.

I am usually a very focused, driven, extremely motivated kind of broad...make it happen, mind over matter, when there is a will there is a way-all of these describe me! Well, one thing I KNOW for sure, if it was a simple matter of will, I could have already made many things happen.

Sometimes, "it is... was it is" and you don't need to mess with things you have no control over. If I could have willed myself to feel better last week... I would have, if I could have made it to the mail box one day...I would have, if I could change things for me and the 399,999 other woman diagnosed with breast cancer this year...I would have.

It leaves me with the question, if I can't change the things that are out of my control, what can I do? I can learn to accept that my best is truly my best. Nothing more, nothing less. That it is good enough. I can learn to look above for the answers when I no longer have a clue.

It's okay to not have all the answers, I know where to look to find them.

Galatians 6:7 'For at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up'

I will give up my control, but I will not give up my faith.

1st day out...

2009-09-18T13:10:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday Folks!

Finally a day that feels like it should....FRIDAY!

Feeling fine on Friday is here.

Today marked a pretty big day for me...it was the first day I went out of the house bald, in a scarf!

I am used to catching my reflection in a mirror or a window, but what I'm not use to yet, is other people's reaction. People are so kind and sweet, but they do take notice and feel free to ask questions and comment. Seriously, it took me 20 extra minutes to get out of the Post Office today because the sweet guy behind the counter wanted me to know ALL about his Momma, who herself was a survivor. God bless her, I didn't even get her name, but it was an honor to hear her story.

Mr. PO Box also told me about this cool program here in town at a car dealership, where they let you borrow a PINK BMW to run errands around town...FUN, sign me up!

I did manage to turn a few heads today...there was this cute little man, his name was Hugh and he was adorable. He was about 2 feet tall and probably not even 2 years old, but he was checking me out-ha ha, it must have been the scarf! What a cutie he was, his little face made my day.

So this weekend will be fabulous, I have the weekend off and plan to do nothing but relax. I get to spend the day with the kids tomorrow, church on Sunday, and get to see my long lost girl JULIE from Texas (just in time for the big Cowboys and Giants game)! I finally get to meet her fab husband Holt and her adorable baby boy Tristan...one word-SUGAR!

I also want to give a special shout out to a few of my "sisters"...both my girls Billie and Susan had surgery this week and my new friend Trisha started her first treatment today. Girls, know that I am thinking of you all, sending lots of love, and saying lots of prayers. Stay Strong!

A final thought...I am continuing to lose every single strand of hair, and I am NO longer scared. For every hair on my body that is shed, I am gaining an ounce of strength and dignity. It makes me wonder what I was ever so afraid of...it can only be a true testament of God's promise to protect me from my own fear. There is no other explanation, because trust me,-my fear was very real.

Trust me... no but better yet, trust HIM...he will pull you through and you WILL be a better person because of it!

Round #2...goes to Warrior!

2009-09-17T06:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not the type of gal to wish away time, there are joys to be found in the cracks of misery...but I will be honest...treatment weeks can go as fast as they come! It's all a bit blurry, especially Mondays, and before you know it...you are staring at Friday in the face. Lucky for me, this weekend I have off, so I'm not as worried about making it through...I have the luxury of "coasting". Coasting is where I don't have to buckle up so tight, or take so much aim, not be as productive, not multi-task till I'm blue in the face, not be uber focused...basically, I can take off the cape and not feel like bad about it.

Treatment this week was a bit different, I would like to think it was due in part to the company I kept! :) My Wednesday Wave wasn't as bad as the last- Praise The Lord, but my side effects seemed to have lingered this time, like the wave is longer. I am still not feeling my best today, but I will give it time. I was up a good part of the night not doing too well, so I will work and write a bit this morning-then hopefully go down for some needed rest.

I did have 2 wonderful things happen over the past 24 hours of blur...my sweet Cameron came home yesterday with a HUGE red crown on his head, grinning ear to ear! Before I could lift my head to even ask, he climbed into bed with me and said,"Momma Momma, I was crowned King for a Day at school!" This is a big deal for my Cameron... he got to be the line leader all day, got to sit in his thrown, and he even let them clap and cheer for him (for a boy with sensory issues, that is HUGE!)...I was so proud of him.

Now later on that night, Momma was sitting on a thrown of her own, with a very different crown on, and the only clapping and cheering she had was from above...thankfully,those angels got me through last night! Speaking of "crowns", I was beginning to wonder why my hair hadn't fallen out yet...I mean I am on day 17 already. Well, I just figured my hair was being stubborn like the rest of me...really, does that surprise anyone? Sigh...oh no, it is definitely falling out...in tufts. Anytime I touch it, out it falls. It is so short, it really looks like a baby chic that got into a cat fight with random pieces of hair GONE! Pretty funny, but definitely time for the accessories!!

Back to the other good thing about the last 24 hours...I got to wake up to my Lou snuggled up with me! It was pure heaven! You see, she is a Daddy's Girl all the way and I'm lucky if I can sneak some lovin' in with her at all. I guess she had crawled into bed with me while Rhett took Cameron to school. She was so sweet and cuddly...the best 30 minutes of my day yet! That girl has a heart of gold, but a mind of her own. She can already stand her ground and is making me very proud...she has to keep my boys straight when I'm not up to the task.

From now until who knows...the next time you see this girl, she may be blonde, red, brunette, scarfed up,(or would that be scarved up? forgive my chemo brain) or just BALD. Just look for the girl with the green eyes and big smile, probably wearing pink. Know that she is grateful beyond measure and she is fighting like hell to win the next round!

New Meaning of Getting Your "Buzz On"!

2009-09-15T05:17:00.000-07:00

Well, the much anticipated and dreaded event came and went and ya know...it wasn't that bad.

I think even though I had been preparing myself for some time, you never feel like you could be ready for the moment when you shave you head. I didn't have that bad a** attitude like, "Yeah, I'm in control", I didn't feel liberated, I didn't even cry. What I did feel was the love, the support, calmness, and peacefulness. It was a beautiful moment for me. My sweet husband shaved my head and had some assistance from Cameron and Lexi, they were so proud they could help. I was one proud Momma, they handled things amazingly well...again, I'm sure they were overly prepared. Thank you so much for making this experience a wonderful one. There were many moments only 2 months ago I thought I would never be able to stomach doing this. Not only did I get through it, I was able to enjoy it...Praise God.

By trusting God with my fears, he has rewarded me by really letting me know, "It's okay my sweet girl, it's okay"...and I BELIEVE HIM!

So, for all my "Pink Sisters" out there who are not yet "here" on their journey, please know that is not an easy thing, but you can do it, and you will be beautiful, because you already ARE beautiful! God Bless the Bald!

Kenny and Lester...Both Bald!

2009-09-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

What a weekend! There is so much to post...but since I have treatment today, time is a bit short this morning. I will start off with at least Saturday. A huge group of us went and saw Kenny Chesney and Miranda Lambert this past Saturday, and they did NOT disappoint. No, he didn't play my anthem song, and I thought the show was a little short...but it was still amazing. I had a wedding that morning, then Ashley picked me up to hit Kenny Gate! Now for all you people who are not Kenny fans, there is NO other fan base like his. These people are nuts and will pull out all the stops to party before the party. People were lined up at 7am that morning to get a spot to tailgate. It was insane, people had their boats, campers, golf carts, gators, I even saw a few motorized coolers..really! We had a blast! Some of the girls wore their Ta Ta's shirt in my honor and Kristi some how managed to get me a huge picture of Kenny, and if you know her you know what a big deal that was to get it and then for her to give it to me! Thanks Kristi...Kenny is going to chemo with me today! I still have to upload most of my photos, but I have posted a few from Saturday.

Thank you God for a fabulous week and weekend! Pray that Round 2 goes well and that this week my side effects are minimal, please.

Remember TOUGH, LOVED, STRONG, PRAYED FOR...

Next blog....I'm BALD!!

I finally did it and feel FINE!