"We Weren't Born To Follow"...

I will start this off by posting something fabulous, something I have been looking forward to for a long long time....two words baby-BON JOVI!!!

Rhett and I leave tomorrow for Charlotte to go see one of my all time favorite bands (no worries auntie Vida, we have a house sitter and an alarm system!).

If anyone has their latest cd, know that many hours throughout my treatment have been spent listening to track #12 "Learn to love the world you're living in..." I don't think it will be on their set list tomorrow night, but that is okay-they can get up and sing Ole Mac Freakin' Donald for all I care...again, it's BON JOVI, they can sing the phone book if they wanedt to! Things have been so crazy lately, this is a well deserved mini getaway.

I cannot wait...!!!

Secondly, please forgive anything that might not make "sense"...I have noticed lately that I have just not made total sense, sometimes any sense at all. I can't add, spell, speak full sentences...in one word-DUH? I have major chemo brain at the moment and I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

Speaking of crying, that leads me to my next topic-CRYING! I will admit, right now I am a hot mess and even before tonight's Idol Gives Back, I had already cried 12 times today, now the count is up to at least 20 and I am not even joking. Seriously, did anyone else see the entourage of artist that sang "Stairway to Heaven" tonight? Unbelievable!

Back to the crying...I am miserable and cannot wait to get back to Dr. Brescia so I can report to him that this Tamoxifen is kicking my behind. I am crying one minute, mad as a hornet the next, then the next minute-I am fine (but am I really fine?). I am all over the place, so this has to even itself out or I will have to take something else to counter some of these side effects...I don't think I can do it, and I don't think Rhett can do it. And I am suppose to be on this stuff for the next 5 to 10 years??? My kids deserve better, my husband deserves better, and I deserve better. I want to stay "c" free of course, but there has got to be a way around all these side effects.

It's no surprise that I returned back to seeing Dr. Carter today. I haven't seen her due to scheduling conflicts and I had to get back on her books. I needed some professional perspective and FAST! I explained that it would be my biggest wish to take a year long nap right now, that I wish I could just get away and recharge my head, my heart, and my body. We both agreed that I need to minimize my calender and then prioritize what I have already "on the books". Do something healing for myself at least once a day and take at least one day a week and really spend it on resting and recovering. I am going to have to make time for me and take care of myself if I plan on taking care of everyone else. I asked her if it was nuts that I was having a much harder time now, than while I was in treatment and she said it was all very normal, that I actually have alot of insight. Everything I am feeling and going through is normal and pretty much on track-great, then why do I feel so alone? This is the stuff nobody wants to talk about and nobody really warns you about...so I will. I will talk and I will warn. All in the effort to grab at my sanity.I am that girl, I am that kind of friend that tells you- you have lipstick on your teeth. So grab at it, ask away, talk to me and I will talk back...I feel like an overstuffed pinata about to explode with questions,answers and raw emotion. I think half of what I am feeling is finally the part of what just happened, coming full circle on a year soon, but most of this trip to Crazytown is from the meds I am taking. I am sorry in advance...

Soooo, I have saved the best news for last (no really)....the brave little boy we have all been praying for all year, our dear friend's baby Chase...well, he is DONE with treatment!!! D-O-N-E folks, his scans came back good to go and he is done. Let me tell you in the midst of my own day of trying to keep things together, who hit her knees when I got that message.

Hallelujah, hallelujah...that is the kind of news that can erase my worst day.

Chuck and Christine-we love you guys and we are over the moon that Chase...BEAT IT!!!!!!!!!!