This Is Your Brain...

This is your brain post treatment...

I immediately recalled the old skool commercial, "This is your brain...this is your brain on drugs" when it showed an egg, then a fried egg. Forgive me, I am digging for the humor right now.

I wanted to wait until I met with Dr. Brescia before I posted an update, plus it has taken me this long to pull myself together enough to write. It is time to purge and hopefully finally get rid of some of this stuff I have been holding inside. I feel like an emotional bulimic- minute to minute changes for me and today was definitely new territory. I believe I hit an emotional "bottom".

As many of you know, life lately has been challenging to say the least. I realize this might confuse some of you (heck it has confused me) and you may think the timing is weird and hey...shouldn't she be rejoicing now that treatment is done? In one word...YES! It is what I should be doing, but instead I will tell you the truth and tell you what's really going on.Remember, I am not normally Debbie Downer, but girlfriend is gonna keep it real...

Let me just start off by saying that I will do whatever, whenever it takes to keep me clean and free. No doubt, no question...my focus and priority are to live the best quality of life for the longest time possible. For my children, my husband, and to serve those around me. I want to make a difference in the lives I come in contact with. I will also say that I know my situation is a fortunate one in many ways, there are still so many sick people fighting for their lives. Knowing this only makes me feel more guilty for feeling the way I do. However, this is an important part of the journey, which I why I am even writing about it-these past few weeks have been pivotal for me and my family and have made us pull back layer after layer. I have said this before, sometimes the emotional work is harder than the physical work.

Now the trick is, in order to take care of those around you, you have to take care of yourself...which leads me to my next point.

I was warned about the possible side effects of the post drugs I MUST take, I was also warned that I may fall into a small group where the side effects are beyond the normal range.

Now I have been on T. for about a month now and I have been keeping track of how bad I have been feeling, and it has just gotten worse and worse. Listen, I took treatment like a champ for the most part, and rarely had a gripe or complaint about anything. I did my best to be honest, but tough. There was no toughing out what I was going through...not this time.

It's hard to tell, am I feeling this way because I am still in the throws of "What the heck just happened to me?" Could it be the natural stress of having a young family? A blessed, but thriving business? Or could it be the meds I am on? Seriously, I am losing my mind at this point?

So today was physically a better day for me (more energy, less pain)-but emotionally, I was a hot mess. I couldn't even get it together to go see Dr. Brescia. I had a light bulb moment and thought,"He needs to see me like this, this is what my everyday has come to..." So in I went, crying hot mess and all.

In a nut shell, the drug I was taking was making me crazy. Life was a roller coaster and I am not kidding when I say I was bawling one minute and screaming the next! Dr. Brescia said NO MORE! We have options on meds that are just as effective, that won't make me feel this bad. After talking,he said to stop taking Tamoxifen immediately! He wants to give my body a break(anywhere from a week to a month) and then start me on an AI, Lupron, and Zumeta. He made a very good point, he said this was a huge long term commitment, and that I can't be this frail for the long haul. No way Jose'. Me, frail? Yes, me a wreck! He smiled his sweet smile, gave me a hug and said,"You can't have it all...you have trucked through everything else with gold stars...this? This we have some options with. We need you back for the long haul, so...he's bringing me back by taking me off of these meds and we are going a different, but just as effective route!

Whew...sorry to be so long winded. I don't even know who reads this anymore,but again-I felt it was super important to include. This was definitely a chapter I had to include in the cancer chronicles.

If this can be of any help for someone who may be going through something even close to this, I want you to know you are not alone. You are not crazy and you are not alone. Talk to your Dr. and ask for help!

Stay with me folks, I promise it will get better!

Peace, Love,Healing, and Happiness-

Warrior