No really, it is. As is stress is a killer, just ask a heart attack! Last week, I could feel my butt in my throat and it wasn't pleasant. I had a similar feeling of that when I was first diagnosed. Thankfully this week has started off much better. Just like there are times when you can't control your body, there are times when you need to let the mind go where it needs to go (just as long as nobody gets hurt-ha) and just see were your thoughts land. It got me thinking of the poor people that suffer from depression ALL the time. I would say, mine was a mixture of being so exhausted that your coping skills are shot, then the anxiety and depression follow. If you are not careful, it creeps in and will suck you down...simply put, overwhelmed to the max!
I took a break from returning any calls from any Drs. and just concentrated on showing up everyday for radiation...like Dr. Harper said, the rest of the stuff can wait until next week. I am half way done with radiation, still 3 weeks to go. Starting to get a bit tender and sore in the areas they are cross radiating and at times my voice is shot (they are getting a portion of my throat because it is close to the lympnode areas)...thank goodness I am not singing any longer-not sure how that would have worked out. Songbird, I'm thinking NOT, more like croaking pelican.
I got to see my "chemo cowgirls" yesterday. Deb is out of the saddle and Jess is 2 treatments away from being finito herself-yeah! It was the first time I had been back since finishing my own treatment, while it was so good seeing everyone, I was thankful to be just a visitor. I saw some old faces and new faces, but I no longer felt like I belonged-which all my life has been an issue. This time, I was eternally grateful to not be in the "club". At least not the chemo club...
My life has turned up a notch, so my focus is going to be on keeping a slower and steadier pace. Not to push too hard, too fast. Yesterday was a wonderful day, but it was too much. It was a normal day I would have had before all of this and it was a quick reminder of the pace I cannot return too.I am trying to be selective and at times make decisions that will be best for my recovery in the long haul.Even if that means giving up some things on the calender. I noticed the other day "this" had been going on for 9 months already, 9 months yesterday in fact... I could have had a freakin baby in that time, but instead had something else. I guess my thought is when the word came down the pipe about what was in store for me, I envisioned resting, recovering, being still long enough to get what God was putting down. Now I realize that it comes is small doses along the way, but the real secret is to remain in a place where you will always be open for guidance and direction...even after the dust settles.
I have many great things to look forward to. We have tried to schedule at least 1 thing a month with our family to really live our lives...it gives me something to focus on, on the not so good days. It is also a reminder that while we are still immersed in cancerland, life all around you still goes on...and you must chose to stay on the merry-go round-even if it is going at a much slower pace.
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