Gold, Silver, or Bronze?

In watching the Olympics and after the week I have had...I wonder what event I would place in and what medal I would score...let's see, there is:

Downhill (Breakdown) Event...GOLD!

Short Program (Exhaustion Event)...GOLD!

Half Pipe (Half crazy and full of twist and turns)...GOLD!

Ariel (in honor of Speedy, I can do the "Hurricane" better than he can)...GOLD!

I would say, I brought home the Gold this week...Go Team USA! In all seriousness, I found it hard to even go to my blog this week because it was so rough, much less write anything. I logged on at least ten times and simply stared at the screen. I wanted to write about the rawness of how difficult things have been for me this week, but wanted to be in a better place before I wrote...in honor not to scare the poop out of anyone.

I would never do anything stupid, but I honestly thought of putting my foot to the pedal and getting out of dodge...for a while. I have had "moments", but for many reasons I finally was brought to my knees this week. It was a similair feeling to what I had when I first was diognosed, can't breath, head swimming, etc.The overwhelming decisions I am facing on what's next (I don't know what I am having for dinner, much less if I want to keep my ovaries or not) and the fast and steady pace of all my Dr's appointments have finally taken a toll. My body and mind feel just short of giving out. Simply put...I need a break! My mind needs a vacation and my body a detox. Despite all my efforts, I can still feel chemical in my body and it's frustrating to say the least.

I try with all my might to stay up and positive, but honestly I don't even have the energy to find that right now...I have been riding the reality wave, being in the moment and what you see is what you get. This week, it just happens to be a white hot mess. There it is folks, Lester was a mess this week and guess what? I am allowed! I am surprised it took me this long...9 months in. I realize I still have so much to be grateful for, that I am still very blessed. I don't know how this can happen, but when you are swimming in a moment of despair, you can still see all the good things on top, you just have trouble finding your way back to the top. It's like being in a deep pool and you are slowly sinking to the bottom, but can still see what's going on above. I can see what I need to pull up for, but it's a challenge. My Doctors and Nurses have been helpful, and agree somehow I need to slow down (hello, have they been to my house?)...I have always said, when you get up in the mornings- you have 2 choices...have a good day or have a great day. I made myself a promise to struggle my way back to the top (and to get OUT of the pool) and create a better day for myself. We will work on next week, when we get to next week. One day at a time.

I heard the sweetess song the other day by LeAnn Womack...it's called "There is a God", boy was it a tear jerker. It was a pull your car over, listen to the words, and let the meaning sink in. I will try and post a link so you can listen to it, but sometimes eblogger will pull it if they think I am making money off of it (which I am not)...I will try anyway. If not, it's worth youtubing it.

God bless you all, it hasn't been a bad week for everyone. God has answered many prayers this week, He will get to mine...right now there were just a few more people ahead in the line. I will keep praying and keep waiting. Until next time, I will just keep the swim up to the surface!